Our kids are in college and not that their college and (private) high school don’t take trips with friends — but their social media is full of them having fun on vacation with their families. If they were so miserable they wouldn’t be posting these trips on their own social media. Nor would they go, often during the school year.

I think it’s very bizarre a college kid wouldn’t want to go on the one summer trip with his family. And not because of an serious internship or otherwise professional commitment but because he wanted more hours at some dead-end job. Sounds like more than booze, to me, I’d be worried about drugs and him being involved with some druggy townie who works there.

Anonymous wrote:Restaurant workers do not have the healthiest lifestyles, often. There is generally a lot of smoking, drinking and late hours. Not to mention drugs among the kitchen staff. I would worry about what he is being exposed to.

Just explained this to a friend who had no idea. I was never in the scene just on the periphery of it. Fortunately I need to hit the hay early so I was never attracted to those jobs when in college/after. I tried to land 9-5ish jobs to have at least a semblance of regular working hours. That said, my friends in the industry worked hard and partied hard, but all were great folks and went on to hospitality-related careers.

OP, GL!

I agree with both of you.

Your husband should be proud, and so should you. When I look around at the adults I know, and I look at who is happiest, the number one indicator that I see is money, or career, or intelligence or even luck. It's the ability to figure out what you want, and make the changes needed to get you there. Your son can already do that at 19. Fabulous! Voicing your displeasure at him was absolutely the wrong thing to do. He's an adult. Arguing with him and treating him like a child and like you know better than him what's best for him was a huge mistake.

You should go back to him and apologize. Say you're sorry for reacting so negatively to his plans. Say sometimes it's hard for you to remember that he's an adult now, and that he's in charge of his own life, and that you will try to do better about remembering that. Tell him no matter what he does with his life, you will always love him, and you're of course so proud of him and the man he's becoming.

BUT - you are also right that if he's taking a year off from school, the terms of his living at home should ABSOLUTELY change. He should make this decision based on real budgetary considerations. So - figure out a reasonable amount to charge him for rent and utilities. Pass over car payments, insurance payments, and cell phone bill payments at cost (if it's a family plan, simply divide by 4). Not putatively, or to get him to change his mind or to "teach him a lesson" but because the arrangement you have now is for a student, and the arrangement is different with a working adult. Of course, when he goes back to college next year, you'll revert back to the old system. Is he doing enough chores for an adult in a shared living space? He should be doing roughly a quarter of what it takes to run the household, so make sure you think about that. And how do you want to handle food? Perhaps he chips in a small amount towards groceries, or perhaps he takes over shopping and cooking for his own lunches, and for one dinner a week for everyone as his share. This also makes it easier should he decide that working his way up in hospitality is a better path for him - that way, if he never goes back to college, he's doing so eyes wide open and in a self supporting manner. BUT you need to realize that this is a path he may choose, and you need to get your ego and your vision for his life out of it. You had 18 years, plus some, to impart your values. He gets to choose now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Restaurant workers do not have the healthiest lifestyles, often. There is generally a lot of smoking, drinking and late hours. Not to mention drugs among the kitchen staff. I would worry about what he is being exposed to.

This. If there's one thing I learned during my years as a server (during HS, college, and grad school), it's that the restaurant industry is full of drugs, booze, and convicts.

Know why you see so many restaurant workers walking or biking to work? Not because they can't afford a car, but because they've lost their license from DUIs.

The BOH in a restaurant is full of criminals on parole and usually even ankle monitors. Most are high af during their shifts, too.

When I had kids, I told my partner that they would never be allowed to work as servers or any position in a restaurant.

I've seen the allure of cash and access to drugs derail so many young people during my time serving.

This is spot on. Waiters, waitresses, and bartenders personal lives are degenerate. And in my experience, the elder employees who are at least half-decent would admit they f***ed up their life and would advise someone much younger like OP's kid to stay in college and to take college seriously. The fact that OP's kid has friends at this place and that sort of conversation is not taking place lets you know he's being orbited by low class trash.

I was largely with you till "low class trash." Then I questioned everything preceding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

No, speak for yourself. FYI, it is really obvious you miserable family forum wackos estranged from most of your family post the same anti-family screed on every other forum.

I’ve gotta agree, my siblings and I still loved family vacations during (and after!) college, and the same is true with our kids and our friend group now. I think it’s (very) weird and unusual that OP’s son backed out of family vacation and it makes me think there’s something else going on with him

OP, when you left town did he have the house to himself? Definitely tracks with the hooking up with a waitress theory

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

No, speak for yourself. FYI, it is really obvious you miserable family forum wackos estranged from most of your family post the same anti-family screed on every other forum.

I’ve gotta agree, my siblings and I still loved family vacations during (and after!) college, and the same is true with our kids and our friend group now. I think it’s (very) weird and unusual that OP’s son backed out of family vacation and it makes me think there’s something else going on with him

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

No, speak for yourself. FYI, it is really obvious you miserable family forum wackos estranged from most of your family post the same anti-family screed on every other forum.

LOL, our 19 year old loves it, SkiDoos, skydiving and SCUBA. They vacation in Jackson Hole snowboarding in the winter...step up your game people.

Both of my college kids still love vacationing with us, the rest of the family.

One is 21 and the other is 19. I also have 2 teens at home in HS. We went to Hawaii in late May for a family wedding and I gave them the choice of going or not. They both wanted to go. They also went to BVI with us last month and are going on a trip to our cabin in Deep Creek next weekend before one heads back to campus.

The 21 year old did her own thing for spring break but the 19 year old and my wife and I went diving in the Keys for his spring break.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

No, speak for yourself. FYI, it is really obvious you miserable family forum wackos estranged from most of your family post the same anti-family screed on every other forum.

LOL, our 19 year old loves it, SkiDoos, skydiving and SCUBA. They vacation in Jackson Hole snowboarding in the winter...step up your game people.

Anonymous wrote:His 1st year may not have been great due to the CV and all of the limitations- virtual classes, etc. that really isolated kids and he may like it a lot more now that things are more in person.
I'd encourage going back- my guess is that the kids taking a year off typically don't ever return. If he doesn't, I agree with others that he should pay for a lot of his expenses and rent. I have a nephew in the food industry that didn't go to college, he loved making money instead.- this was 5 years ago. My DS just got out of college and makes double the income in his 1st job.

THIS.

OP, I'd really encourage him to return for this year and see how it goes. Maybe he could add a hospitality minor. I really think not returning this year could derail him, it happens so often. He can work at the restaurant on breaks. I think there is something else going on in the "scene" at that particular place that is driving his thought process, money, sure, but either a person, or something else. I think he might find school more fun with newfound social confidence. It will be very hard to live in a place like the DMV or elsewhere with a high COL without a college degree. If he wants to increase coursework and finish sooner, that is another route.

His 1st year may not have been great due to the CV and all of the limitations- virtual classes, etc. that really isolated kids and he may like it a lot more now that things are more in person.
I'd encourage going back- my guess is that the kids taking a year off typically don't ever return. If he doesn't, I agree with others that he should pay for a lot of his expenses and rent. I have a nephew in the food industry that didn't go to college, he loved making money instead.- this was 5 years ago. My DS just got out of college and makes double the income in his 1st job.

Parents are too weak to kick him to the curb. They are trying to control his life. They are already planning on “not allowing 16 year old NOT go to college.” Yes I am in shock they are trying to control their adult kids life!

Anonymous wrote:I am in shock at these parents who think they CAN do something to control their adult children!

He's no adult. Adults pay for rent, car, cell phone, and all other bills. He's a coddled child working a fun dead-end job with zero responsibilities, thus it's distorting his perception of how much money he's making. He's too immature (i.e. a child) and probably under the influence of booze and narcotics to see the big picture. A nitwit like this needs a firm hand, not passive parents who will let him become some druggy at a dead-end job, who ends up with a DUI, STDs, out of wedlock child with some trailer trash, and pisses away a decade of his life on nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

No, speak for yourself. FYI, it is really obvious you miserable family forum wackos estranged from most of your family post the same anti-family screed on every other forum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Restaurant workers do not have the healthiest lifestyles, often. There is generally a lot of smoking, drinking and late hours. Not to mention drugs among the kitchen staff. I would worry about what he is being exposed to.

This. If there's one thing I learned during my years as a server (during HS, college, and grad school), it's that the restaurant industry is full of drugs, booze, and convicts.

Know why you see so many restaurant workers walking or biking to work? Not because they can't afford a car, but because they've lost their license from DUIs.

The BOH in a restaurant is full of criminals on parole and usually even ankle monitors. Most are high af during their shifts, too.

When I had kids, I told my partner that they would never be allowed to work as servers or any position in a restaurant.

I've seen the allure of cash and access to drugs derail so many young people during my time serving.

This is spot on. Waiters, waitresses, and bartenders personal lives are degenerate. And in my experience, the elder employees who are at least half-decent would admit they f***ed up their life and would advise someone much younger like OP's kid to stay in college and to take college seriously. The fact that OP's kid has friends at this place and that sort of conversation is not taking place lets you know he's being orbited by low class trash.

Anonymous wrote:I just read a book, the Self-Driven Child, in which this same scenario comes up. The authors’ opinion is that you should support your child in taking the year off. Encouraging your child’s autonomy will do the most for his future independence. Also, if you don’t support him he will probably take the year off later when it will have more impact.

+1
Sophomore year is a good time for this as it won't disrupt building relationships for major that much, may add a bit of maturity etc. And with the pandemic, odd graduation trajectories etc. are the norm so it won't generate questions. Spending the year working is not a bad idea. I'd make my support of him (e.g., subsidizing living expenses) contingent on some community college course(s) just to stay in academic practice.