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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why does everyone think the OP is a female?[/quote]

So, OP, come back and tell us: Man or woman? 
Still in contact with the ex-AP? 
What did improving your marriage look like--couples counseling etc. or just giving up AP? Asking seriously, OP, not with snark. [/quote]

I haven’t read this whole thread yet but I’m grateful for everyone’s thoughts and feedback. [b]Still in contact,[/b] AP is in a new serious relationship. AP’s new partner is fully aware we talk occasionally.

I’ve just discovered it came from an extreme desire to keep my family intact - like I went on a deluded mission to make my marriage better and that would be enough. I really desperately want it to be but I am having severe physical and mental health issues that are directly related to this breakup/what it requires to be functional in my marriage. I just figured this out in therapy. I thought I was handling it well but I was in a weird denial that therapy broke. I ended things. I am 100% sure they still love me.[/quote]

OP, you have stayed in contact with your AP. Did you not know, did no one including your therapist, tell you that it is THE most basic "Breakup 101" to cease all, as in ALL, contact with an affair partner, forever?

The fact you remain in touch means you're still in affair fog. And it also means you never sincerely, at the deepest level, wanted to make your marriage work for the rest of your life.

Can you accept those facts? That you never, despite what you told yourself, ever wanted to end the affair for real? That you are wrong to have stayed in touch? You seem to indicate above that because "AP's new partner is fully aware we talk occasionally"....it's fine that you talk to AP. It's as if you added that detail so we'd know, hey, it's OK, the other person knows! Nothing bad going on if AP is open about talking to me, right?

But will your spouse also be just fine with it? Maybe your spouse does know you talk to this person, and is fine with it, because spouse thinks this is a friend and has zero idea about the affair. Do you think this is OK, OP? Honest? Decent?

You will never get past the affair as long as the AP is in your life in any way at all. You have sabotaged any hope of seeing your affair, yourself or your AP objectively. [i]You are, in your head, still having this affair.[/i] But we can see you have on such rose-tinted glasses that you will never recognize how you deceived yourself that you wanted your marriage or how you have made things worse by being in contact with your AP.

Your therapist agrees with you, according to you, that this is a great love. Dear God. You need a new therapist as of yesterday, IF your therapist is really feeding this thinking of yours. You got one who is just telling you what you want to hear.

Please stop contact and get a new therapist who will, as one PP put it, cut through your BS. You are going to wreck a lot of lives with your romantic fantasizing and pining. And your AP is helping you wreck it all by staying in touch with you.[/quote]

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