Reply to Why do people with demanding jobs choose to have 3+ kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m a SAHM so this thread isn’t addressed to me but what do you mean by “spending time with your kids”? My kids would rather play with their friends (or each other now that we’re  locked down). We do fun stuff together, in the before times we did solo outings occasionally, but I’m their mom, not their playmate. If they want to help me cook dinner or go for a walk and talk about life or weed the garden together, cool. [/quote]

This. I like you, PP. And I'm a WOHM (currently working at home). I enjoy it when people who make different choices can agree on things. I wish more of DCUM was like this.[/quote]

Agree.  What is with all the insistence of 1:1 time.  Kids don't want that daily for prolonged periods [/quote]

It’s not just about 1:1 time. A parent also has to spend time thinking about the kid too. Whether they’re meeting milestones. Whether they’re okay physically, emotionally, socially, academically. Helping them with homework. Buying clothes for them. Finding good activities and summer camps to enroll them in. Participating in events for school and activities.

Most parents with demanding jobs and too many kids either outsource all of that parenting to others. Or else decide they’re not going to bother and just do the bare minimum for their kids. And I’m not a SAHM, btw. [/quote]

I’m the original SAHM poster, and I absolutely would not be able to do all the stuff I do and have a demanding full-time job. But most of what I do could be easily done by someone else! School events, assessing activities and milestones and helping kids deal with social issues, sure, that really does want a parent. But my time is mostly spent tidying, cooking, cleaning, mediating squabbles, wiping butts, transporting — all of that a good nanny or housekeeper could do just fine. It’s not how I choose to live my life, both because I enjoy doing these things to take care of my family and because it’s easier to keep track of what’s going on my kids’ lives when we’re in the same place, but it’s certainly possible. My husband seems to do all the “this really needs a parent” jobs while running a company. I guess he and I spend more time talking about the kids than we would with a hypothetical nanny? [/quote]

Thank you. Someone has to do those things, but they are not the most important part of parenting. The important part is the helping with emotional regulation, the emotional support, listening. I can pay someone to wipe butts if I have a job. For us we waited to have a third until we felt we could be emotionally present enough for them. This requires outsourcing of other things so we could prioritize our mental health. Can’t pour from an empty cup and all that[/quote]

Kids need  their parents doing those things as its part of parenting.  If  you outsource everything down to wiping butts, then what really is your role as a parent except to pay for things. Clothing, shopping, cooking are not a big deal and those can be outsourced, but its part of being involved as a parent.[/quote]

DH and I work FT (albeit in very flexible, not typically demanding jobs) and have three kids.  I think too many parents focus on quality over quantity time with their kids, but kids need at least some quantity, too.  The people who are wiping butts are also the ones *present* most of the time.  Being able to truly help kids with emotional development means knowing them and being around enough to have a sense of what they need.  You can’t just do that while you’re at brunch Sunday morning or at your weekly outing or whatever.

Even things like schlepping kids to activities: you can learn SO much about your kids during those car rides, whether from talking to them or listening to their conversations with friends when you’re older.  So, sure, we had our kids in daycare before they started school, but they also didn’t spend 11 hours/day there, nor did we hire babysitters for large chunks of our weekends.  There’s a balance between spending every non-working moment with your kids and outsourcing everything.[/quote]

I used to have a very demanding job and was on the road for over half of the time. I was concerned about having kids with a demanding career, so I crowdsourced feedback on another forum from adults who had parents who had jobs that often kept them from their children. I received comments from around 40 people and nearly all of them said it was the quality of time (being present,  not distracted with work calls etc) and not the quality of time that mattered. Some people had a parent who was home all of the time but not a good parent and their relationship today is non existent. Thankfully now my career is more manageable but still can be busy at times so I always on quality over quantity of time.[/quote]

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