Reply to my wife's thin skin

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]Stop with the car example. You are just going to dig in your heels and defend your position and IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU WERE RIGHT. It doesn't. Because this is just part of a pattern. And the pattern is the important thing. The pattern is what you have to figure out. The pattern is the reason she's shutting down any discussion any time you criticize her, because I can absolutely guarantee at this point that you are way more critical and opinionated than you think you are. So now, she "overreacts" to your criticism by shutting down, because she's decided that it's just not worth it to have the discussion. That's what you need to figure out. Is she really just so sensitive and thin-skinned that she can't handle any disagreement, or are you so hell-bent on "discussing" and debating every damn thing that she's just sick of it? (Probably it's something in the middle--she's naturally more sensitive, but you're also too critical.) And you have to figure out how to change that pattern. Again, it's not enough to be right.[/quote]

I don't think anyone here actually can tell whether this is a pattern and OP is too critical or his wife is too sensitive. But he asked for advice and is not really getting it. I am a woman who has been in a similar situation and yes, I did the walking on eggshells thing trying a million different ways to gently couch things so as to not offend but at the end of the day, that is dysfunctional.

Two adults married to each other should be able to calmly discuss differences of opinion without showdowns. The idea that OP should not have said anything to his wife about driving the kids, or that he has no right to have an opinion about furniture--I think a lot of you are projecting (and hey, I took charge of an entire renovation--we both work but I took on all the research and decisions--and there were times I narrowed things down and DH would just say "I don't like it." and we did get in those tense times because I was frustrated and I felt like I took on the research, I should choose--but I also didn't give him an opportunity to weigh in, because I liked being in charge of those decisions. However, it is his house too and is our money and I wanted him to be happy. It was much HARDER to come up with a compromise, but much better for our marriage and how we worked things out. If I had shut down the minute he told me he didn't like the tile I wanted (and he was fare more blunt) we would not have learned to communicate and work together as a team. and that is what OP is expressing--his frustration that they cannot approach things as a team. Now you can all read into what he's written all you want and decide that he must be terribly critical, but I can tell you--having LIVED THROUGH someone just like OP's wife is described--that there are people who do this, and who have learned a tremendously defensive strategy because they cannot cope with criticism or difference of opinion. One of the great lessons of growing up and relationships is to be able to see past your own feelings and reactions and to try to understand the other persons, but that requires dialogue on both parts, not disengagement. [/quote]

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