Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 17:02     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Stop with the car example. You are just going to dig in your heels and defend your position and IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU WERE RIGHT. It doesn't. Because this is just part of a pattern. And the pattern is the important thing. The pattern is what you have to figure out. The pattern is the reason she's shutting down any discussion any time you criticize her, because I can absolutely guarantee at this point that you are way more critical and opinionated than you think you are. So now, she "overreacts" to your criticism by shutting down, because she's decided that it's just not worth it to have the discussion. That's what you need to figure out. Is she really just so sensitive and thin-skinned that she can't handle any disagreement, or are you so hell-bent on "discussing" and debating every damn thing that she's just sick of it? (Probably it's something in the middle--she's naturally more sensitive, but you're also too critical.) And you have to figure out how to change that pattern. Again, it's not enough to be right.


I don't think anyone here actually can tell whether this is a pattern and OP is too critical or his wife is too sensitive. But he asked for advice and is not really getting it. I am a woman who has been in a similar situation and yes, I did the walking on eggshells thing trying a million different ways to gently couch things so as to not offend but at the end of the day, that is dysfunctional.

Two adults married to each other should be able to calmly discuss differences of opinion without showdowns. The idea that OP should not have said anything to his wife about driving the kids, or that he has no right to have an opinion about furniture--I think a lot of you are projecting (and hey, I took charge of an entire renovation--we both work but I took on all the research and decisions--and there were times I narrowed things down and DH would just say "I don't like it." and we did get in those tense times because I was frustrated and I felt like I took on the research, I should choose--but I also didn't give him an opportunity to weigh in, because I liked being in charge of those decisions. However, it is his house too and is our money and I wanted him to be happy. It was much HARDER to come up with a compromise, but much better for our marriage and how we worked things out. If I had shut down the minute he told me he didn't like the tile I wanted (and he was fare more blunt) we would not have learned to communicate and work together as a team. and that is what OP is expressing--his frustration that they cannot approach things as a team. Now you can all read into what he's written all you want and decide that he must be terribly critical, but I can tell you--having LIVED THROUGH someone just like OP's wife is described--that there are people who do this, and who have learned a tremendously defensive strategy because they cannot cope with criticism or difference of opinion. One of the great lessons of growing up and relationships is to be able to see past your own feelings and reactions and to try to understand the other persons, but that requires dialogue on both parts, not disengagement.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 16:38     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

She is not a bad driver. OP is a perfectionist, and he thinks that she is based on his standards. Unfortunately, perfectionist types do not mesh well with sensitive types(they think they do, but it's just piled up resentment waiting to explode.)

She needs to grow some skin and call out his BS. He is not necessary a condescending and argumentative guy. He needs to be reminded to reign it in when he takes it too far.



OK, here are some of the issues I encountered with her behind the wheel:

1. Forgot to put the car in PARK after stepping out of it. The car began to move!
2. Made a left turn onto a primary road, but turned on the wrong side of the median, so that we were headed into oncoming traffic.
3. Didn't understand how 4-way stops work ... no, you don't just sit there until the coast is clear.
4. Unable to keep the car consistently on the right side of the double yellow line.
5. Fearful of driving too close to the shoulder, despite the fact that there is no alternative on a narrow road.
6. Driving 25 mph when the speed limit is 40 mph and the other cars are flowing at that speed. Yes, it is legal, but it can cause accidents.

You want to put your kids in the car with a driver who made these mistakes all in the span of 20 minutes?


Stop with the car example. You are just going to dig in your heels and defend your position and IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU WERE RIGHT. It doesn't. Because this is just part of a pattern. And the pattern is the important thing. The pattern is what you have to figure out. The pattern is the reason she's shutting down any discussion any time you criticize her, because I can absolutely guarantee at this point that you are way more critical and opinionated than you think you are. So now, she "overreacts" to your criticism by shutting down, because she's decided that it's just not worth it to have the discussion. That's what you need to figure out. Is she really just so sensitive and thin-skinned that she can't handle any disagreement, or are you so hell-bent on "discussing" and debating every damn thing that she's just sick of it? (Probably it's something in the middle--she's naturally more sensitive, but you're also too critical.) And you have to figure out how to change that pattern. Again, it's not enough to be right.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 16:10     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

She is not a bad driver. OP is a perfectionist, and he thinks that she is based on his standards. Unfortunately, perfectionist types do not mesh well with sensitive types(they think they do, but it's just piled up resentment waiting to explode.)

She needs to grow some skin and call out his BS. He is not necessary a condescending and argumentative guy. He needs to be reminded to reign it in when he takes it too far.



OK, here are some of the issues I encountered with her behind the wheel:

1. Forgot to put the car in PARK after stepping out of it. The car began to move!
2. Made a left turn onto a primary road, but turned on the wrong side of the median, so that we were headed into oncoming traffic.
3. Didn't understand how 4-way stops work ... no, you don't just sit there until the coast is clear.
4. Unable to keep the car consistently on the right side of the double yellow line.
5. Fearful of driving too close to the shoulder, despite the fact that there is no alternative on a narrow road.
6. Driving 25 mph when the speed limit is 40 mph and the other cars are flowing at that speed. Yes, it is legal, but it can cause accidents.


You want to put your kids in the car with a driver who made these mistakes all in the span of 20 minutes?
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 16:04     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This discussion is no different than having a husband who complaind about your cooking.

The OP, (husband) would argue that they should sit down and discuss recipes and ingredients and salting food to taste. All about what she should be doing.

The wife would say then you cook dinner or im not cooking or if you don't like it then don't eat it.

Then he would call her immature for disengaging. Not stepping up to cook himself.



I don’t think so. My husband is a lot like OP. He doesn’t care to cook, but he would occasionally say that he doesn’t like something I made. I told him that he needs to fake it while we are eating. Later, he can tell me not to make it again. But when he complained during dinner, in front of the kids, it made me not want to cook for him anymore.


In your case, I would tell him in front of the kids that it is unacceptable to complain during dinner about food that someone else put time and effort to make for you.

I think some women are too gently with their husbands. These are grown ups. They will not break if you confront them/tell them to shut up(in a polite way in front of the kids ofcourse)

For me, the bigger problem in any marriage is not the spouse who is unappreciative. It is the spouse who swallows all the crap that the unappreciative spouse dishes and then grows resentful.

Point out in very clear terms to your spouse that they are unappreciative, annoying, rude in the instant. Otherwise, you begin to resent him and get to the "I do not give a darmn" stage.



I don’t resent him. He fakes it really well. Then later, he says something like, “I don’t really want you to make that again.” Honestly, I am not interested in getting into a big fight with my husband at the dinner table.


When your husband says something that makes you not want to cook for him anymore, it is worth the fight. And if he is a smart guy, it should not be a big fight if you point it out to him there and then that he is being disrespectful and unappreciative. He will see why making stupid comments during dinner is just wrong and unappreciative.

When you swallow feelings of not wanting to do this and that for your spouse anymore, it builds resentment and distance. There is no other way around it.


Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 15:56     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Anonymous wrote:I don't buy it either.

You probably felt you were gentle but you were being condescending and argumentative. You probably harped on and on about driving mistakes and she exploded and responded I'm never driving them again.

In the end, if she is a bad driver she shouldn't be driving the kids around. Great if she never drives them again


OP here. She was a bad driver because she hadn't driven in 10 years, and hadn't driven in the USA. Now she is much improved. It would make life easier for her if she drove now, but she seems hell-bent on playing the role of the martyr.

When I raised the driving issue initially, I began by explaining that I am uncomfortable driving in any new country. It takes me a while to acclimate, and it isn't wise to go through the acclimation process with kids in the car. I explained this using ME as the example. I then generalized, and said that I would hope that she would want some solo practice before driving with the kids.

I don't think I was condescending. Rather, I was careful and polite, because I knew, from experience, that I was walking on eggshells. And sure enough, those shells cracked. I'm not sure how to magically walk across those shells without breaking them. A two-ounce mouse could crack them.



Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 15:56     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Thanks god you are not my husband. I was in your wife’s situation 20 years ago when we moved to us. No driving experience whatsoever and toddler in my hands. Got my license, within first week drove on the wrong side of median, hit the fire hydrants, etc. thanks god my husband had more wisdom and paid for another driving teacher. I took additional 10 classes and felt more confident driving around.


What should OP have done? He requested that his wife practice without the kids until.she was more confident.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 15:55     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This discussion is no different than having a husband who complaind about your cooking.

The OP, (husband) would argue that they should sit down and discuss recipes and ingredients and salting food to taste. All about what she should be doing.

The wife would say then you cook dinner or im not cooking or if you don't like it then don't eat it.

Then he would call her immature for disengaging. Not stepping up to cook himself.



I don’t think so. My husband is a lot like OP. He doesn’t care to cook, but he would occasionally say that he doesn’t like something I made. I told him that he needs to fake it while we are eating. Later, he can tell me not to make it again. But when he complained during dinner, in front of the kids, it made me not want to cook for him anymore.


In your case, I would tell him in front of the kids that it is unacceptable to complain during dinner about food that someone else put time and effort to make for you.

I think some women are too gently with their husbands. These are grown ups. They will not break if you confront them/tell them to shut up(in a polite way in front of the kids ofcourse)

For me, the bigger problem in any marriage is not the spouse who is unappreciative. It is the spouse who swallows all the crap that the unappreciative spouse dishes and then grows resentful.

Point out in very clear terms to your spouse that they are unappreciative, annoying, rude in the instant. Otherwise, you begin to resent him and get to the "I do not give a darmn" stage.



I don’t resent him. He fakes it really well. Then later, he says something like, “I don’t really want you to make that again.” Honestly, I am not interested in getting into a big fight with my husband at the dinner table.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 15:44     Subject: my wife's thin skin
My DH and I have a similar dynamic- he is very assertive, while I'm very sensitive. I would have reacted similarly to your wife (I did try standing up to him, but he would always shut me down).

The only thing that helped was seeing a really, really good counselor. We had seen a couple other therapists who didn't help much. We eventually found a great one who had us do fun exercises to discover our communication styles, then explained them to us and how we can better communicate with each other. Within a couple sessions she completely changed our dynamic. Would you be open to some counseling?
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 15:28     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This discussion is no different than having a husband who complaind about your cooking.

The OP, (husband) would argue that they should sit down and discuss recipes and ingredients and salting food to taste. All about what she should be doing.

The wife would say then you cook dinner or im not cooking or if you don't like it then don't eat it.

Then he would call her immature for disengaging. Not stepping up to cook himself.



I don’t think so. My husband is a lot like OP. He doesn’t care to cook, but he would occasionally say that he doesn’t like something I made. I told him that he needs to fake it while we are eating. Later, he can tell me not to make it again. But when he complained during dinner, in front of the kids, it made me not want to cook for him anymore.


In your case, I would tell him in front of the kids that it is unacceptable to complain during dinner about food that someone else put time and effort to make for you.

I think some women are too gently with their husbands. These are grown ups. They will not break if you confront them/tell them to shut up(in a polite way in front of the kids ofcourse)

For me, the bigger problem in any marriage is not the spouse who is unappreciative. It is the spouse who swallows all the crap that the unappreciative spouse dishes and then grows resentful.

Point out in very clear terms to your spouse that they are unappreciative, annoying, rude in the instant. Otherwise, you begin to resent him and get to the "I do not give a darmn" stage.

Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 15:17     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Anonymous wrote:This discussion is no different than having a husband who complaind about your cooking.

The OP, (husband) would argue that they should sit down and discuss recipes and ingredients and salting food to taste. All about what she should be doing.

The wife would say then you cook dinner or im not cooking or if you don't like it then don't eat it.

Then he would call her immature for disengaging. Not stepping up to cook himself.



I don’t think so. My husband is a lot like OP. He doesn’t care to cook, but he would occasionally say that he doesn’t like something I made. I told him that he needs to fake it while we are eating. Later, he can tell me not to make it again. But when he complained during dinner, in front of the kids, it made me not want to cook for him anymore.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 14:54     Subject: my wife's thin skin
So you’re on here seeking validation and sympathy because your wife has thin skin? Got it.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 14:52     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Thanks god you are not my husband. I was in your wife’s situation 20 years ago when we moved to us. No driving experience whatsoever and toddler in my hands. Got my license, within first week drove on the wrong side of median, hit the fire hydrants, etc. thanks god my husband had more wisdom and paid for another driving teacher. I took additional 10 classes and felt more confident driving around.
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 14:39     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
Anonymous wrote:This discussion is no different than habing a husband eho complaind about your cooking.

The OP would argue that they should sit down and discuss recipes and ingredients and salting food to taste. All about what she should be doing.

The wife would say then you cook dinner ornim not cooking.

Then he would call her immature for disengaging.



Maybe she should say "Oh shut up, eat and thank me when you are done". OP might love that-it can be a relief to know that you have no say in how certain things get done so you don't have to worry about those things at all.
But they have probably never tried that approach. Op's wife should be the one reading this thread...
Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 14:37     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
This discussion is no different than having a husband who complaind about your cooking.

The OP, (husband) would argue that they should sit down and discuss recipes and ingredients and salting food to taste. All about what she should be doing.

The wife would say then you cook dinner or im not cooking or if you don't like it then don't eat it.

Then he would call her immature for disengaging. Not stepping up to cook himself.

Anonymous
Post 06/29/2018 14:35     Subject: Re:my wife's thin skin
This discussion is no different than habing a husband eho complaind about your cooking.

The OP would argue that they should sit down and discuss recipes and ingredients and salting food to taste. All about what she should be doing.

The wife would say then you cook dinner ornim not cooking.

Then he would call her immature for disengaging.