Reply to DH walked away from lunch date with me and the kids--am I overreacting?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I used to be a conflict resolution consultant so I've thought about conflict a bit; maybe this post will help.

I get that you are trying to model for your kids a good conflict resolution process, and I admire you for this forethought and attempt.

However; imo this situation is not the one to model for your kids based on two points you mention:

First, you say this is a recurring conflict that you both have not been able to resolve.  So the likelihood that you will finally resolve it in public--and in front of kids--is near 0%.

Therefore, this is a poor issue to use for teaching/modeling a successful conflict resolution process.  This particular conflict should be worked on out of earshot of the kids, unless it is so minor that it can proceed to the "ok, we agree to disagree" in good humor. (so; teaching the kids a different lesson, that you can't always resolve it in the moment, or maybe ever, but it's ok).  Doesn't sound like this conflict fits that criteria.

Second, one can't model a good conflict resolution process if one of the parties cannot model it.  Your DH walked away because either he had the meta-view that this conflict would not be resolved and thus not be good modeling for the kids, and/or he could not participate in a constructive way as his emotions were too engaged.

For whatever reason above that he walked away, it was a good call.

From what you say in your OP, you are putting symbolic intent to his action of walking away.  He says he walked because he couldn't handle it.  You are going further and saying his walking away is symbolic of (shoot, I'd have to go back and read your OP)....Ok I can't remember the language but my point is that you are injecting symbolism into his actions which sounds unfounded.

In general, I think many women often infuse men's actions with symbolic meaning, because *if they were to do the same behavior*, it would have symbolic meaning.  But (generally speaking) men aren't behaving as symbolically as women; they are pretty straightforward--they don't tend to have the nuance.  If your DH said he walked away because he was getting too hot-headed, that sounds right, and there's no symbolic overlay of him walking away because he is abandoning the family, etc.  That is sort of a typical female construction.  So for example, if your sister walked away, you may have a case.

I have found in my own marriage (I know, n=1, but hear me out) that the less symbolism I attach to my DH's behavior, the happier I am and the more we get along.  To be crass about it, men are pretty simple, like dogs.  Feed them, love them.

Now how men are not like dogs is that they can think in complex ways, like about chemistry or philosophy, but (in general) this particular complexity of symbolic thought and behavior is not their forte.

To quote a famous negotiator..."To change someone's mind, you have to first know where their mind is."  So OP, try and get into your DH's head so you can speak the same language. He is not thinking symbolically.  He is also telling you that. It sounds like he is telling the truth.[/quote]

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