Reply to Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

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Reply to "Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....." 
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup[/quote]

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, [b]99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them.[/b] I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes. [/quote]

This is just not true.  [/quote]

+1. I can’t believe how many insecure moms are responding. Working and stay at home moms are not monolithic groups. Just because you know someone who does x does not mean that applies to all individuals in that group. The idea that working moms spend 30 minutes a day with their kids is as ludicrous as the idea that sahm spend 6 hours a day with their kids.

All of the insecure posts on here mostly directed as stay at home moms (I WFH) are insane though. Someone was offended that a poster said working moms gave up time with their kids and stay at home moms gave up status and financial security. And some crazed working mom wrote that she was insulted that someone would say working moms gave up time with their kids by working. I mean, how is it an insult to (checks notes) *state facts* unless you are so insecure that you can’t handle the truth.

So many women feel insulted by the “strangers raising my kid” comment because they feel that it is a personal attack on them and they are in complete denial about the fact that by working they spend less time with their children. [b]Initially there were the people claiming they and their spouse worked full time and their child only had a nanny between 11-12 and 3-5 (because we all know it’s super common for children to take a three hour nap in the middle of the day from birth to five while you work and run errands🙄 and that so many nannies will accept a shambolic schedule)[/b] and since those ridiculous examples didn’t withstand scrutiny then it was the ad hominem “you dumb” after every valid argument and finally it’s this ridiculous argument that stay at home moms spend 6 hours with their kids a day (because if you’re a working parent in an office and your child naps it’s like you are right there taking care of them for all [insert unbelievably high made up number] hours they nap during the day, but if you’re a stay at home mom and your child naps you are not parenting them). It’s been illogical from the start but at this point it’s farcical too. [/quote]

If you are talking about my post then you have reading comprehension issues because 1) I stated that my DH and I staggered schedules so that one left late and the other one came back early, 2) it was a 2-hour nap not 3 hours, and 3) We hired a nanny for 6 hours a day but she helped with housework when she wasn’t actively taking care of our kid.

And yes, it is perfectly reasonable to expect a child to take a 2-hour nap until age ~4 or so. Some don’t but most do.[/quote]

So just call yourself a SAHM. What’s the difference?[/quote]

Because I was not… I was a WOHM who made $200k+.

Why are you so antagonistic about this? It’s a good thing when working parents are able to flex their schedules to spend a ton of time with their kids. Maybe not as much as SAHPs (I didn’t claim to do so in my original post) but still a solid chunk so that they feel really connected with their kids.[/quote]

Work out of home but spends the same amount of time at home. Ok.[/quote]

I worked 11:15-6 in the office and he worked 8-4 in the office. I had a shorter  commute, less demanding job, and lower salary than him. We both logged in for an hour or two every night. [/quote]

Here’s your cookie. Nobody cares.[/quote]

Maybe you think I am offended… but this comment just makes you sound petulant [/quote]

You’re out of the home about 7 hours a day. Not sure why you’re engaging in arguments with SAHM about how much quality time you have at home. [/quote]

Are you being deliberately obtuse in an attempt to goad someone into saying your brain has turned to mush?

My point was I (and my husband) could still work FT, with my kids in parental care the majority of their day. [/quote]

So you saw your kids for like 90 minutes in the morning and 90 minutes at night and your husband never saw your kids in the morning. And you both patented solo and probably got docked financially at work for your weird hours in office and then you still worked 8:30-9:30 pm with your husband every night after your kids went to bed. Sounds like a miserable situation for everyone… Maybe one of you should have stayed home or used childcare so your lives weren’t so crazy. You must be very burnt out. [/quote]

I saw my kids from 6-11am and 6:15-9pm. DH saw them from 5-9pm. My point was they were in the care of a parent for all but 11-5 (during which time they were napping for 2 hours anyway) and that made us happy because we wanted to prioritize their time with a parent!

Yes we were a little burnt out a bit from doing it, but it was temporary and enabled us long-term to grow our careers while still feeling super connected to our kids. Both of us received promotions (DH got a huge one) because our companies prioritized talent over facetime.

Overall we feel incredibly fortunate that we were able to have our cake and eat it too. I would encourage any parent who enjoys working to try pushing for flexible schedules before giving up and quitting.

I am not the poster with the neighbor, or the poster calculating and comparing how much time SAHMs spend with their kids (of course they spend more!). I am just stating what *I* did. The thought of being in competition with some SAHM is actually quite hilarious to me. [/quote]

So your kids were in the care of someone other than their parent, 4 hours a day. Not 8 or 10 or 12. [/quote]

11-5, so 6 hours. Which generally consisted of lunch, playtime at home, nap, walk to playground, then back home for the evening routine with DH. As naps got shorter, playground time got longer. Or if it was indoor weather, play date with a neighborhood kid (there were plenty of them around). [/quote]

I do not understand what the point of these detailed accountings is.

I guess to try and claim you have cracked the code to having both a successful career and not missing out on any time with your kids?

And yet a sahp would be spending the hours of 11-5 with their kids so... it's not the same. She would also not have a salary or the benefit of the help and support you get from a nanny. Tradeoffs. Everyone has them.

I just think we could all agree that saying a working parent doesn't "raise" their kids is not fair or accurate in the vast majority of cases but also concede that of course sahps spend more time with their kids and there are certain benefits to this (just as there are benefits to having two incomes and having reliable childcare).

I don't even understand what we are arguing about at this point. I truly do not care about your split shift with your spouse and nanny. Like it is incredibly dull and I cannot believe there are like 50 posts on this thread about this subject.[/quote]
Thank you!
I sahm and don't care about other people's schedules. You're all raising your kids and some with great schedules, rough schedules, stressful, peaceful, hectic or everything together. Nobody but you and some antagonistic jerk responding here wants to pick apart your hours. [b]Please stop justifying yourselves and do NOT doubt your choices over some troll.[/b] [/quote]

I appreciate your post but I want to make it clear that I am not justifying myself or feeling any insecurity.

I used to read threads like this when I was pregnant or a new mom. If there are other folks like that reading, who like working but want more time with their kids, I want them to know IT IS POSSIBLE to ask for flexibility. If enough of us ask, maybe there will be a shift in the working world towards more flexibility.[/quote]

Some flexibility yes -- and I do think plenty of women (and even some men) have increasing flexibility these days, and that's great.  But for most of us it means we could pick out kids up at daycare by 4, or could WFH an extra day a week or when someone was sick.  Or maybe shift our hours up a bit to avoid aftercare once the kids are in school, etc.  What you are describing is it's-raining-gum-drops land for most of us.  And it also required that you could afford a full-time nanny all the way until your kids were in kindergarten, and that you will be sleep deprived, and have like no personal time.  [/quote]

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