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Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

This is just not true.

+1. I can’t believe how many insecure moms are responding. Working and stay at home moms are not monolithic groups. Just because you know someone who does x does not mean that applies to all individuals in that group. The idea that working moms spend 30 minutes a day with their kids is as ludicrous as the idea that sahm spend 6 hours a day with their kids.

All of the insecure posts on here mostly directed as stay at home moms (I WFH) are insane though. Someone was offended that a poster said working moms gave up time with their kids and stay at home moms gave up status and financial security. And some crazed working mom wrote that she was insulted that someone would say working moms gave up time with their kids by working. I mean, how is it an insult to (checks notes) *state facts* unless you are so insecure that you can’t handle the truth.

So many women feel insulted by the “strangers raising my kid” comment because they feel that it is a personal attack on them and they are in complete denial about the fact that by working they spend less time with their children. Initially there were the people claiming they and their spouse worked full time and their child only had a nanny between 11-12 and 3-5 (because we all know it’s super common for children to take a three hour nap in the middle of the day from birth to five while you work and run errands🙄 and that so many nannies will accept a shambolic schedule) and since those ridiculous examples didn’t withstand scrutiny then it was the ad hominem “you dumb” after every valid argument and finally it’s this ridiculous argument that stay at home moms spend 6 hours with their kids a day (because if you’re a working parent in an office and your child naps it’s like you are right there taking care of them for all [insert unbelievably high made up number] hours they nap during the day, but if you’re a stay at home mom and your child naps you are not parenting them). It’s been illogical from the start but at this point it’s farcical too.

If you are talking about my post then you have reading comprehension issues because 1) I stated that my DH and I staggered schedules so that one left late and the other one came back early, 2) it was a 2-hour nap not 3 hours, and 3) We hired a nanny for 6 hours a day but she helped with housework when she wasn’t actively taking care of our kid.

And yes, it is perfectly reasonable to expect a child to take a 2-hour nap until age ~4 or so. Some don’t but most do.

So just call yourself a SAHM. What’s the difference?

Because I was not… I was a WOHM who made $200k+.

Why are you so antagonistic about this? It’s a good thing when working parents are able to flex their schedules to spend a ton of time with their kids. Maybe not as much as SAHPs (I didn’t claim to do so in my original post) but still a solid chunk so that they feel really connected with their kids.

Work out of home but spends the same amount of time at home. Ok.

I worked 11:15-6 in the office and he worked 8-4 in the office. I had a shorter commute, less demanding job, and lower salary than him. We both logged in for an hour or two every night.

Here’s your cookie. Nobody cares.

Maybe you think I am offended… but this comment just makes you sound petulant

You’re out of the home about 7 hours a day. Not sure why you’re engaging in arguments with SAHM about how much quality time you have at home.

Are you being deliberately obtuse in an attempt to goad someone into saying your brain has turned to mush?

My point was I (and my husband) could still work FT, with my kids in parental care the majority of their day.

So you saw your kids for like 90 minutes in the morning and 90 minutes at night and your husband never saw your kids in the morning. And you both patented solo and probably got docked financially at work for your weird hours in office and then you still worked 8:30-9:30 pm with your husband every night after your kids went to bed. Sounds like a miserable situation for everyone… Maybe one of you should have stayed home or used childcare so your lives weren’t so crazy. You must be very burnt out.

I saw my kids from 6-11am and 6:15-9pm. DH saw them from 5-9pm. My point was they were in the care of a parent for all but 11-5 (during which time they were napping for 2 hours anyway) and that made us happy because we wanted to prioritize their time with a parent!

Yes we were a little burnt out a bit from doing it, but it was temporary and enabled us long-term to grow our careers while still feeling super connected to our kids. Both of us received promotions (DH got a huge one) because our companies prioritized talent over facetime.

Overall we feel incredibly fortunate that we were able to have our cake and eat it too. I would encourage any parent who enjoys working to try pushing for flexible schedules before giving up and quitting.

I am not the poster with the neighbor, or the poster calculating and comparing how much time SAHMs spend with their kids (of course they spend more!). I am just stating what *I* did. The thought of being in competition with some SAHM is actually quite hilarious to me.

Your children woke up at 6 am and went to bed at 9 pm before they were even in K?

And then you and your husband worked for an hour every night after your children went to bed, so like 9:15-10:15 pm, before you cleaned up and got everything ready for the next day before waking up at like 5:15 to shower and get ready before the kids woke up at 6? What an insane schedule for your entire family.

While many working couples do not both have unicorn remote jobs that allow them to flex time in a way that allows them to work outside of standard hours that also correspond with their spouse’s job, usually jobs like this do not allow for growth. If someone needs your spouse at 4 or you at 8 am they can’t get ahold of you for hours. This entire set up is also predicated on your toddler and preschool aged children waking up at 6, going to bed at 9, and napping for two hours in the middle of the day and you and your husband using your evenings to put your kids to bed and work. The craziness of this schedule perfectly illustrates why so many people either have childcare for a standard workday or a parent stays at home.

Our nanny helped with cooking and housework during nap time. We paid a FT salary for only 30-35 hours a week, so she was happy to do it.

Look, you can try and poke 100 holes in my story that are not worth my time to refute. If it makes you happy to believe I am a) lying about my schedule b) was miserable during that time, or c) had a career that stalled, then go ahead and believe it.

But for any open-minded WOHMs out there who enjoy working and still want to find a way to spend more time with their kids, I would strongly recommend advocating for a more flexible schedule, before giving up and quitting. Yes, it requires some sacrifice of nighttime entertainment (very limited TV or phone scrolling for us!) but it was worth it because we spent a ton of time with our young kids while still growing our careers.

I'm a DP, and I don't think you're lying. Glad it worked out for you.

But, come on, your situation and posts are irrelevant and derailing. Why? Because they realistically apply to like no one, or maybe something like 0.0001% of dual FT WOHM households where both spouses have traditional office jobs. You must understand how exceedingly rare it is to be a couple where BOTH OF YOU could have those kind of alternate schedules and flexibility and not tank your careers. Your advice is really not going to apply to anyone, so it's annoying!

Also, you keep trickling in more information...like now it turns out you had to log back on for hours at night and pay your part-time nanny a full-time salary. Ugh, ugh, ugh!

FWIW, my kids are school-age now and I am able to work 7 to 3 two days a week which I arranged because those two days my one kid has an activity she is very passionate about that I need to get her to. My DH is senior enough that he can put the kids onto the bus at 8:20 those two days, getting into the office a little later, and it's ok. That's the kind of reasonable flexibility some folks should look into/test out! But me not starting my day everyday until 11:15 and him needing to leave the office everyday at 4 to relieve the nanny??? we would tank out careers no doubt! (And our jobs are not even that intense or big on "facetime".)

It’s extremely common now for parents to have flexible schedules and paternity leave.

OTOH, it’s about .000001% of the population who are SAHM who are not busy with everything but raising their kids during the day.

What’s it like to be really bad at both math and basic research? Your lack of skills in both are on display here as is your privilege.

If you and everyone you know is a fed please understand that you are not representative of 98% of the US workforce. 1.9% of the us workforce works for the federal government.

According to the NYT, 80% of working adults are at in person jobs and 20% are remote or hybrid, with those categories being roughly even. Parents do not “commonly” have flexible jobs by this metric.

24% of parents working in the private sector have access to some paid parental leave. And many men who have leave available to them do not take all of it due to stigma. 75% of working fathers take a week off and 16% take no time off.

And .000001% of the US population is 346. You think 346 people are stay at home moms?

For the sake of humanity I hope your job has zero data analysis or critical thinking requirements. My five year old is more capable of higher level thinking.

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Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

It’s amazing to me how many women post something like this almost as a brag.

I made my husband work so many hours that he never ever ever ever ever saw his own child so that I could be there the whole time.

Instead of, I was not with my child for about four hours a day because I really wanted my husband to not have to take that job they made him never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. See his child.

Girl That is not an accomplishment that is sad and slightly abusive to your husband

What? Her DH was with the kids for breakfast in the morning and then home by 6 at night. It sounds like he probably worked a typical 9-5ish office job with a commute. That's abusive now? I just can't!

Seriously! Now that working mom wants to claim that most other working mom's schedules are ABUSIVE. So basically, you can only do it exactly the way she did, no more and no less, or according to her YOU SUCK.

+1 And she's so clueless she doesn't even realize how insulting her post was to the MANY WOMEN who probably work a similar schedule.

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Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

This is just not true.

+1. I can’t believe how many insecure moms are responding. Working and stay at home moms are not monolithic groups. Just because you know someone who does x does not mean that applies to all individuals in that group. The idea that working moms spend 30 minutes a day with their kids is as ludicrous as the idea that sahm spend 6 hours a day with their kids.

All of the insecure posts on here mostly directed as stay at home moms (I WFH) are insane though. Someone was offended that a poster said working moms gave up time with their kids and stay at home moms gave up status and financial security. And some crazed working mom wrote that she was insulted that someone would say working moms gave up time with their kids by working. I mean, how is it an insult to (checks notes) *state facts* unless you are so insecure that you can’t handle the truth.

So many women feel insulted by the “strangers raising my kid” comment because they feel that it is a personal attack on them and they are in complete denial about the fact that by working they spend less time with their children. Initially there were the people claiming they and their spouse worked full time and their child only had a nanny between 11-12 and 3-5 (because we all know it’s super common for children to take a three hour nap in the middle of the day from birth to five while you work and run errands🙄 and that so many nannies will accept a shambolic schedule) and since those ridiculous examples didn’t withstand scrutiny then it was the ad hominem “you dumb” after every valid argument and finally it’s this ridiculous argument that stay at home moms spend 6 hours with their kids a day (because if you’re a working parent in an office and your child naps it’s like you are right there taking care of them for all [insert unbelievably high made up number] hours they nap during the day, but if you’re a stay at home mom and your child naps you are not parenting them). It’s been illogical from the start but at this point it’s farcical too.

If you are talking about my post then you have reading comprehension issues because 1) I stated that my DH and I staggered schedules so that one left late and the other one came back early, 2) it was a 2-hour nap not 3 hours, and 3) We hired a nanny for 6 hours a day but she helped with housework when she wasn’t actively taking care of our kid.

And yes, it is perfectly reasonable to expect a child to take a 2-hour nap until age ~4 or so. Some don’t but most do.

So just call yourself a SAHM. What’s the difference?

Because I was not… I was a WOHM who made $200k+.

Why are you so antagonistic about this? It’s a good thing when working parents are able to flex their schedules to spend a ton of time with their kids. Maybe not as much as SAHPs (I didn’t claim to do so in my original post) but still a solid chunk so that they feel really connected with their kids.

Work out of home but spends the same amount of time at home. Ok.

I worked 11:15-6 in the office and he worked 8-4 in the office. I had a shorter commute, less demanding job, and lower salary than him. We both logged in for an hour or two every night.

Here’s your cookie. Nobody cares.

Maybe you think I am offended… but this comment just makes you sound petulant

You’re out of the home about 7 hours a day. Not sure why you’re engaging in arguments with SAHM about how much quality time you have at home.

Are you being deliberately obtuse in an attempt to goad someone into saying your brain has turned to mush?

My point was I (and my husband) could still work FT, with my kids in parental care the majority of their day.

So you saw your kids for like 90 minutes in the morning and 90 minutes at night and your husband never saw your kids in the morning. And you both patented solo and probably got docked financially at work for your weird hours in office and then you still worked 8:30-9:30 pm with your husband every night after your kids went to bed. Sounds like a miserable situation for everyone… Maybe one of you should have stayed home or used childcare so your lives weren’t so crazy. You must be very burnt out.

I saw my kids from 6-11am and 6:15-9pm. DH saw them from 5-9pm. My point was they were in the care of a parent for all but 11-5 (during which time they were napping for 2 hours anyway) and that made us happy because we wanted to prioritize their time with a parent!

Yes we were a little burnt out a bit from doing it, but it was temporary and enabled us long-term to grow our careers while still feeling super connected to our kids. Both of us received promotions (DH got a huge one) because our companies prioritized talent over facetime.

Overall we feel incredibly fortunate that we were able to have our cake and eat it too. I would encourage any parent who enjoys working to try pushing for flexible schedules before giving up and quitting.

I am not the poster with the neighbor, or the poster calculating and comparing how much time SAHMs spend with their kids (of course they spend more!). I am just stating what *I* did. The thought of being in competition with some SAHM is actually quite hilarious to me.

So your kids were in the care of someone other than their parent, 4 hours a day. Not 8 or 10 or 12.

11-5, so 6 hours. Which generally consisted of lunch, playtime at home, nap, walk to playground, then back home for the evening routine with DH. As naps got shorter, playground time got longer. Or if it was indoor weather, play date with a neighborhood kid (there were plenty of them around).

I do not understand what the point of these detailed accountings is.

I guess to try and claim you have cracked the code to having both a successful career and not missing out on any time with your kids?

And yet a sahp would be spending the hours of 11-5 with their kids so... it's not the same. She would also not have a salary or the benefit of the help and support you get from a nanny. Tradeoffs. Everyone has them.

I just think we could all agree that saying a working parent doesn't "raise" their kids is not fair or accurate in the vast majority of cases but also concede that of course sahps spend more time with their kids and there are certain benefits to this (just as there are benefits to having two incomes and having reliable childcare).

I don't even understand what we are arguing about at this point. I truly do not care about your split shift with your spouse and nanny. Like it is incredibly dull and I cannot believe there are like 50 posts on this thread about this subject.

Thank you!
I sahm and don't care about other people's schedules. You're all raising your kids and some with great schedules, rough schedules, stressful, peaceful, hectic or everything together. Nobody but you and some antagonistic jerk responding here wants to pick apart your hours. Please stop justifying yourselves and do NOT doubt your choices over some troll.

I appreciate your post but I want to make it clear that I am not justifying myself or feeling any insecurity.

I used to read threads like this when I was pregnant or a new mom. If there are other folks like that reading, who like working but want more time with their kids, I want them to know IT IS POSSIBLE to ask for flexibility. If enough of us ask, maybe there will be a shift in the working world towards more flexibility.

You should also know that a lot of that shift happened because of the women who quit when they couldn't get the flexibility. So don't look down on older SAHMs; they made the turnover so expensive and untenable that it forced the hand of many employers to make your generation's flex schedule possible. I was in those meetings when the shift in thought started to happen.

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Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

It’s amazing to me how many women post something like this almost as a brag.

I made my husband work so many hours that he never ever ever ever ever saw his own child so that I could be there the whole time.

Instead of, I was not with my child for about four hours a day because I really wanted my husband to not have to take that job they made him never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. See his child.

Girl That is not an accomplishment that is sad and slightly abusive to your husband

What? Her DH was with the kids for breakfast in the morning and then home by 6 at night. It sounds like he probably worked a typical 9-5ish office job with a commute. That's abusive now? I just can't!

Seriously! Now that working mom wants to claim that most other working mom's schedules are ABUSIVE. So basically, you can only do it exactly the way she did, no more and no less, or according to her YOU SUCK.

Why would anyone be offended. Someone wants something for their kid and it is not harming you or your child, why would you be offended?

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Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

That pp tried to make some analogy but it fell flat because the info was wrong and sahms are never going to feel insecure about the amount of time they spend with their kid.
I don't think that poster realized the tone of the post they responded to.
A better analogy would be the sahm who claims to be a great chef/gardener/crafter/tutor/Ivy league/looks amazing/makes everyone's life easier/helps the elderly and volunteers for all causes, which is the impossible sahm unicorn.

It's great that super wohm/sahm moms exist and somehow magically maximize their schedules and energy, but seriously most of us are not doing all that and our kids are still doing well.
The same goes for those married to the ever present and parenting 100% DH. Good for you! All things equal, that's the ideal but again, not the norm. Most couples do not have equally demanding jobs to split house stuff down the middle and even when they are, many women still struggle to get their DH to pick up more slack.
High income makes a lot of this fade away but again, most are not able to outsource everything time consuming and inconvenient.

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Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

It’s amazing to me how many women post something like this almost as a brag.

I made my husband work so many hours that he never ever ever ever ever saw his own child so that I could be there the whole time.

Instead of, I was not with my child for about four hours a day because I really wanted my husband to not have to take that job they made him never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. See his child.

Girl That is not an accomplishment that is sad and slightly abusive to your husband

I don't get that from the PP at all. Her DH worked a normal working person's schedule -- 9-5ish plus commute. She was not making him work some ridiculous schedule as a surgeon or Big Law attorney. Those are just what a working person's schedule is. Also not the past tense -- this was almost certainly pre-Covid when there was WAY less flexibility and WFH. She is describing my exact work schedule pre-Covid here in a job where I made 90k in 2019. It's a normal job.

I also did a SAHM stint pre-Covid and our schedule was similar. My DH was really glad to have me SAHM because me being home during those years meant we didn't have to work out some difficult drop off and pick up schedule for daycare that would have been stressful plus I was able to do a lot of the cleaning and errand-running and other stuff during the day which meant our nights and weekends could be just family time. So it really maximized the quality of time he spent with our DC even if the quantity of time was circumscribed by his work schedule (his normal work schedule he'd had for many years pre-kids and which was in no way something I forced on him).

Has I also worked FT during those years we both would have had to spend more time after work doing stuff like cooking and cleaning and household admin and I think we both would have gotten less quality time with DC. That's a calculus we made together.

There were times I know DH was envious of the time I got to spend with DC and also just having a more relaxed schedule with no morning commute. There were also times I envied DH getting to leave the house every day and talk to adults all day long and do things like go get lunch on his own or go to the gym on his lunchbreak without having to account for a baby or toddler's care during that time. We both had tradeoffs.

Now I work PT but also post-Covid he works from home twice a week and has lots of flexibility so our set up is easier for everyone. This would not have been possible prior to 2020 -- we'd discussed it before and his work and industry was AGGRESSIVELY opposed to remote work and had it not been for a global pandemic would never have made that shift.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

It’s amazing to me how many women post something like this almost as a brag.

I made my husband work so many hours that he never ever ever ever ever saw his own child so that I could be there the whole time.

Instead of, I was not with my child for about four hours a day because I really wanted my husband to not have to take that job they made him never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. See his child.

Girl That is not an accomplishment that is sad and slightly abusive to your husband

What? Her DH was with the kids for breakfast in the morning and then home by 6 at night. It sounds like he probably worked a typical 9-5ish office job with a commute. That's abusive now? I just can't!

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Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

This is just not true.

+1. I can’t believe how many insecure moms are responding. Working and stay at home moms are not monolithic groups. Just because you know someone who does x does not mean that applies to all individuals in that group. The idea that working moms spend 30 minutes a day with their kids is as ludicrous as the idea that sahm spend 6 hours a day with their kids.

All of the insecure posts on here mostly directed as stay at home moms (I WFH) are insane though. Someone was offended that a poster said working moms gave up time with their kids and stay at home moms gave up status and financial security. And some crazed working mom wrote that she was insulted that someone would say working moms gave up time with their kids by working. I mean, how is it an insult to (checks notes) *state facts* unless you are so insecure that you can’t handle the truth.

So many women feel insulted by the “strangers raising my kid” comment because they feel that it is a personal attack on them and they are in complete denial about the fact that by working they spend less time with their children. Initially there were the people claiming they and their spouse worked full time and their child only had a nanny between 11-12 and 3-5 (because we all know it’s super common for children to take a three hour nap in the middle of the day from birth to five while you work and run errands🙄 and that so many nannies will accept a shambolic schedule) and since those ridiculous examples didn’t withstand scrutiny then it was the ad hominem “you dumb” after every valid argument and finally it’s this ridiculous argument that stay at home moms spend 6 hours with their kids a day (because if you’re a working parent in an office and your child naps it’s like you are right there taking care of them for all [insert unbelievably high made up number] hours they nap during the day, but if you’re a stay at home mom and your child naps you are not parenting them). It’s been illogical from the start but at this point it’s farcical too.

If you are talking about my post then you have reading comprehension issues because 1) I stated that my DH and I staggered schedules so that one left late and the other one came back early, 2) it was a 2-hour nap not 3 hours, and 3) We hired a nanny for 6 hours a day but she helped with housework when she wasn’t actively taking care of our kid.

And yes, it is perfectly reasonable to expect a child to take a 2-hour nap until age ~4 or so. Some don’t but most do.

So just call yourself a SAHM. What’s the difference?

Because I was not… I was a WOHM who made $200k+.

Why are you so antagonistic about this? It’s a good thing when working parents are able to flex their schedules to spend a ton of time with their kids. Maybe not as much as SAHPs (I didn’t claim to do so in my original post) but still a solid chunk so that they feel really connected with their kids.

Work out of home but spends the same amount of time at home. Ok.

I worked 11:15-6 in the office and he worked 8-4 in the office. I had a shorter commute, less demanding job, and lower salary than him. We both logged in for an hour or two every night.

Here’s your cookie. Nobody cares.

Maybe you think I am offended… but this comment just makes you sound petulant

You’re out of the home about 7 hours a day. Not sure why you’re engaging in arguments with SAHM about how much quality time you have at home.

Are you being deliberately obtuse in an attempt to goad someone into saying your brain has turned to mush?

My point was I (and my husband) could still work FT, with my kids in parental care the majority of their day.

So you saw your kids for like 90 minutes in the morning and 90 minutes at night and your husband never saw your kids in the morning. And you both patented solo and probably got docked financially at work for your weird hours in office and then you still worked 8:30-9:30 pm with your husband every night after your kids went to bed. Sounds like a miserable situation for everyone… Maybe one of you should have stayed home or used childcare so your lives weren’t so crazy. You must be very burnt out.

I saw my kids from 6-11am and 6:15-9pm. DH saw them from 5-9pm. My point was they were in the care of a parent for all but 11-5 (during which time they were napping for 2 hours anyway) and that made us happy because we wanted to prioritize their time with a parent!

Yes we were a little burnt out a bit from doing it, but it was temporary and enabled us long-term to grow our careers while still feeling super connected to our kids. Both of us received promotions (DH got a huge one) because our companies prioritized talent over facetime.

Overall we feel incredibly fortunate that we were able to have our cake and eat it too. I would encourage any parent who enjoys working to try pushing for flexible schedules before giving up and quitting.

I am not the poster with the neighbor, or the poster calculating and comparing how much time SAHMs spend with their kids (of course they spend more!). I am just stating what *I* did. The thought of being in competition with some SAHM is actually quite hilarious to me.

So your kids were in the care of someone other than their parent, 4 hours a day. Not 8 or 10 or 12.

11-5, so 6 hours. Which generally consisted of lunch, playtime at home, nap, walk to playground, then back home for the evening routine with DH. As naps got shorter, playground time got longer. Or if it was indoor weather, play date with a neighborhood kid (there were plenty of them around).

I do not understand what the point of these detailed accountings is.

I guess to try and claim you have cracked the code to having both a successful career and not missing out on any time with your kids?

And yet a sahp would be spending the hours of 11-5 with their kids so... it's not the same. She would also not have a salary or the benefit of the help and support you get from a nanny. Tradeoffs. Everyone has them.

I just think we could all agree that saying a working parent doesn't "raise" their kids is not fair or accurate in the vast majority of cases but also concede that of course sahps spend more time with their kids and there are certain benefits to this (just as there are benefits to having two incomes and having reliable childcare).

I don't even understand what we are arguing about at this point. I truly do not care about your split shift with your spouse and nanny. Like it is incredibly dull and I cannot believe there are like 50 posts on this thread about this subject.

Thank you!
I sahm and don't care about other people's schedules. You're all raising your kids and some with great schedules, rough schedules, stressful, peaceful, hectic or everything together. Nobody but you and some antagonistic jerk responding here wants to pick apart your hours. Please stop justifying yourselves and do NOT doubt your choices over some troll.

I appreciate your post but I want to make it clear that I am not justifying myself or feeling any insecurity.

I used to read threads like this when I was pregnant or a new mom. If there are other folks like that reading, who like working but want more time with their kids, I want them to know IT IS POSSIBLE to ask for flexibility. If enough of us ask, maybe there will be a shift in the working world towards more flexibility.

Some flexibility yes -- and I do think plenty of women (and even some men) have increasing flexibility these days, and that's great. But for most of us it means we could pick out kids up at daycare by 4, or could WFH an extra day a week or when someone was sick. Or maybe shift our hours up a bit to avoid aftercare once the kids are in school, etc. What you are describing is it's-raining-gum-drops land for most of us. And it also required that you could afford a full-time nanny all the way until your kids were in kindergarten, and that you will be sleep deprived, and have like no personal time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

This working parent totally agrees with you! I just want to point out that I do think it's like one deranged working parent (the math/neighbor PP) making the "it's even" claims, not many working parents. She has been called out by WOHM and SAHM alike throughout this thread.

Except you’re wrong there’s multiple people posting that they had very flexible schedules and they had involved mothers and fathers.

And now that I’m older, I’m watching all my nieces and nephews with very flexible schedules and I’m super excited for my children to not have the model where they only have one parent at home and never see the other parent, which is the sad arrangement of all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

It’s amazing to me how many women post something like this almost as a brag.

I made my husband work so many hours that he never ever ever ever ever saw his own child so that I could be there the whole time.

Instead of, I was not with my child for about four hours a day because I really wanted my husband to not have to take that job they made him never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. See his child.

Girl That is not an accomplishment that is sad and slightly abusive to your husband

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

This working parent totally agrees with you! I just want to point out that I do think it's like one deranged working parent (the math/neighbor PP) making the "it's even" claims, not many working parents. She has been called out by WOHM and SAHM alike throughout this thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

What on earth. I stayed at home until my kids were each 2 (because I wanted to give them and myself a European style maternity leave). During that time, I actually was with them for the vast majority of the day (and near them at night). I know exactly how much more it was than working parents, because My husband, who worked in an office, saw them a tiny fraction of that time (breakfast and then 6-8, when I was also home). The working parents trying to make the claim that it's even are truly deranged. It's not even close.

(Just to add my experience, my kids then went to play school at age 2 from 9-12 and then took a long nap at home in the afternoon, and bc we live in DC they started full day preschool at 3. And I worked when they were at playschool and then school).

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

This is just not true.

+1. I can’t believe how many insecure moms are responding. Working and stay at home moms are not monolithic groups. Just because you know someone who does x does not mean that applies to all individuals in that group. The idea that working moms spend 30 minutes a day with their kids is as ludicrous as the idea that sahm spend 6 hours a day with their kids.

All of the insecure posts on here mostly directed as stay at home moms (I WFH) are insane though. Someone was offended that a poster said working moms gave up time with their kids and stay at home moms gave up status and financial security. And some crazed working mom wrote that she was insulted that someone would say working moms gave up time with their kids by working. I mean, how is it an insult to (checks notes) *state facts* unless you are so insecure that you can’t handle the truth.

So many women feel insulted by the “strangers raising my kid” comment because they feel that it is a personal attack on them and they are in complete denial about the fact that by working they spend less time with their children. Initially there were the people claiming they and their spouse worked full time and their child only had a nanny between 11-12 and 3-5 (because we all know it’s super common for children to take a three hour nap in the middle of the day from birth to five while you work and run errands🙄 and that so many nannies will accept a shambolic schedule) and since those ridiculous examples didn’t withstand scrutiny then it was the ad hominem “you dumb” after every valid argument and finally it’s this ridiculous argument that stay at home moms spend 6 hours with their kids a day (because if you’re a working parent in an office and your child naps it’s like you are right there taking care of them for all [insert unbelievably high made up number] hours they nap during the day, but if you’re a stay at home mom and your child naps you are not parenting them). It’s been illogical from the start but at this point it’s farcical too.

If you are talking about my post then you have reading comprehension issues because 1) I stated that my DH and I staggered schedules so that one left late and the other one came back early, 2) it was a 2-hour nap not 3 hours, and 3) We hired a nanny for 6 hours a day but she helped with housework when she wasn’t actively taking care of our kid.

And yes, it is perfectly reasonable to expect a child to take a 2-hour nap until age ~4 or so. Some don’t but most do.

So just call yourself a SAHM. What’s the difference?

Because I was not… I was a WOHM who made $200k+.

Why are you so antagonistic about this? It’s a good thing when working parents are able to flex their schedules to spend a ton of time with their kids. Maybe not as much as SAHPs (I didn’t claim to do so in my original post) but still a solid chunk so that they feel really connected with their kids.

Work out of home but spends the same amount of time at home. Ok.

I worked 11:15-6 in the office and he worked 8-4 in the office. I had a shorter commute, less demanding job, and lower salary than him. We both logged in for an hour or two every night.

Here’s your cookie. Nobody cares.

Maybe you think I am offended… but this comment just makes you sound petulant

You’re out of the home about 7 hours a day. Not sure why you’re engaging in arguments with SAHM about how much quality time you have at home.

Are you being deliberately obtuse in an attempt to goad someone into saying your brain has turned to mush?

My point was I (and my husband) could still work FT, with my kids in parental care the majority of their day.

So you saw your kids for like 90 minutes in the morning and 90 minutes at night and your husband never saw your kids in the morning. And you both patented solo and probably got docked financially at work for your weird hours in office and then you still worked 8:30-9:30 pm with your husband every night after your kids went to bed. Sounds like a miserable situation for everyone… Maybe one of you should have stayed home or used childcare so your lives weren’t so crazy. You must be very burnt out.

I saw my kids from 6-11am and 6:15-9pm. DH saw them from 5-9pm. My point was they were in the care of a parent for all but 11-5 (during which time they were napping for 2 hours anyway) and that made us happy because we wanted to prioritize their time with a parent!

Yes we were a little burnt out a bit from doing it, but it was temporary and enabled us long-term to grow our careers while still feeling super connected to our kids. Both of us received promotions (DH got a huge one) because our companies prioritized talent over facetime.

Overall we feel incredibly fortunate that we were able to have our cake and eat it too. I would encourage any parent who enjoys working to try pushing for flexible schedules before giving up and quitting.

I am not the poster with the neighbor, or the poster calculating and comparing how much time SAHMs spend with their kids (of course they spend more!). I am just stating what *I* did. The thought of being in competition with some SAHM is actually quite hilarious to me.

So your kids were in the care of someone other than their parent, 4 hours a day. Not 8 or 10 or 12.

11-5, so 6 hours. Which generally consisted of lunch, playtime at home, nap, walk to playground, then back home for the evening routine with DH. As naps got shorter, playground time got longer. Or if it was indoor weather, play date with a neighborhood kid (there were plenty of them around).

I do not understand what the point of these detailed accountings is.

I guess to try and claim you have cracked the code to having both a successful career and not missing out on any time with your kids?

And yet a sahp would be spending the hours of 11-5 with their kids so... it's not the same. She would also not have a salary or the benefit of the help and support you get from a nanny. Tradeoffs. Everyone has them.

I just think we could all agree that saying a working parent doesn't "raise" their kids is not fair or accurate in the vast majority of cases but also concede that of course sahps spend more time with their kids and there are certain benefits to this (just as there are benefits to having two incomes and having reliable childcare).

I don't even understand what we are arguing about at this point. I truly do not care about your split shift with your spouse and nanny. Like it is incredibly dull and I cannot believe there are like 50 posts on this thread about this subject.

Thank you!
I sahm and don't care about other people's schedules. You're all raising your kids and some with great schedules, rough schedules, stressful, peaceful, hectic or everything together. Nobody but you and some antagonistic jerk responding here wants to pick apart your hours. Please stop justifying yourselves and do NOT doubt your choices over some troll.

I appreciate your post but I want to make it clear that I am not justifying myself or feeling any insecurity.

I used to read threads like this when I was pregnant or a new mom. If there are other folks like that reading, who like working but want more time with their kids, I want them to know IT IS POSSIBLE to ask for flexibility. If enough of us ask, maybe there will be a shift in the working world towards more flexibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these posts "I work while my child sleeps and I spend all the waking moments with them along with my DH who also works unicorn hours. When they are preschool age we choose the best school ever....."
It's not real life, 99% of jobs are not like that and both parents equally parenting is difficult to manage too. Aren't parents often complaining about getting their spouse to take on more. I don't think the unicorn perfect parents of the world realize that most people cannot just "choose" this setup

Similarly

"I SAHM with my children, I even sleep with them to maximize my time "raising" them" ... I don't shower or cook or clean or workout or run errands or take walks or go on dates or see friends or do girls weekend or vacatino with my H or visit family without them or get sick or let my H take them or let them do independent play ever so I'm never away from them. I would never spend 1 hour away let alone 3 that is reducing my "raising" time by 20%. I spaced my kids perfectly so my toddler would never take time away from my infant."

It's not real life, 99% of SAHM's are doing stuff without their children for hours a day, they are not with them 24x7. They spend at most 6 hours a day one on one with them. I don't think it would even be healthy to be this invested and involved in every breath your child takes.

This is just not true.

+1. I can’t believe how many insecure moms are responding. Working and stay at home moms are not monolithic groups. Just because you know someone who does x does not mean that applies to all individuals in that group. The idea that working moms spend 30 minutes a day with their kids is as ludicrous as the idea that sahm spend 6 hours a day with their kids.

All of the insecure posts on here mostly directed as stay at home moms (I WFH) are insane though. Someone was offended that a poster said working moms gave up time with their kids and stay at home moms gave up status and financial security. And some crazed working mom wrote that she was insulted that someone would say working moms gave up time with their kids by working. I mean, how is it an insult to (checks notes) *state facts* unless you are so insecure that you can’t handle the truth.

So many women feel insulted by the “strangers raising my kid” comment because they feel that it is a personal attack on them and they are in complete denial about the fact that by working they spend less time with their children. Initially there were the people claiming they and their spouse worked full time and their child only had a nanny between 11-12 and 3-5 (because we all know it’s super common for children to take a three hour nap in the middle of the day from birth to five while you work and run errands🙄 and that so many nannies will accept a shambolic schedule) and since those ridiculous examples didn’t withstand scrutiny then it was the ad hominem “you dumb” after every valid argument and finally it’s this ridiculous argument that stay at home moms spend 6 hours with their kids a day (because if you’re a working parent in an office and your child naps it’s like you are right there taking care of them for all [insert unbelievably high made up number] hours they nap during the day, but if you’re a stay at home mom and your child naps you are not parenting them). It’s been illogical from the start but at this point it’s farcical too.

If you are talking about my post then you have reading comprehension issues because 1) I stated that my DH and I staggered schedules so that one left late and the other one came back early, 2) it was a 2-hour nap not 3 hours, and 3) We hired a nanny for 6 hours a day but she helped with housework when she wasn’t actively taking care of our kid.

And yes, it is perfectly reasonable to expect a child to take a 2-hour nap until age ~4 or so. Some don’t but most do.

So just call yourself a SAHM. What’s the difference?

Because I was not… I was a WOHM who made $200k+.

Why are you so antagonistic about this? It’s a good thing when working parents are able to flex their schedules to spend a ton of time with their kids. Maybe not as much as SAHPs (I didn’t claim to do so in my original post) but still a solid chunk so that they feel really connected with their kids.

Work out of home but spends the same amount of time at home. Ok.

I worked 11:15-6 in the office and he worked 8-4 in the office. I had a shorter commute, less demanding job, and lower salary than him. We both logged in for an hour or two every night.

Here’s your cookie. Nobody cares.

Maybe you think I am offended… but this comment just makes you sound petulant

You’re out of the home about 7 hours a day. Not sure why you’re engaging in arguments with SAHM about how much quality time you have at home.

Are you being deliberately obtuse in an attempt to goad someone into saying your brain has turned to mush?

My point was I (and my husband) could still work FT, with my kids in parental care the majority of their day.

So you saw your kids for like 90 minutes in the morning and 90 minutes at night and your husband never saw your kids in the morning. And you both patented solo and probably got docked financially at work for your weird hours in office and then you still worked 8:30-9:30 pm with your husband every night after your kids went to bed. Sounds like a miserable situation for everyone… Maybe one of you should have stayed home or used childcare so your lives weren’t so crazy. You must be very burnt out.

I saw my kids from 6-11am and 6:15-9pm. DH saw them from 5-9pm. My point was they were in the care of a parent for all but 11-5 (during which time they were napping for 2 hours anyway) and that made us happy because we wanted to prioritize their time with a parent!

Yes we were a little burnt out a bit from doing it, but it was temporary and enabled us long-term to grow our careers while still feeling super connected to our kids. Both of us received promotions (DH got a huge one) because our companies prioritized talent over facetime.

Overall we feel incredibly fortunate that we were able to have our cake and eat it too. I would encourage any parent who enjoys working to try pushing for flexible schedules before giving up and quitting.

I am not the poster with the neighbor, or the poster calculating and comparing how much time SAHMs spend with their kids (of course they spend more!). I am just stating what *I* did. The thought of being in competition with some SAHM is actually quite hilarious to me.

Your children woke up at 6 am and went to bed at 9 pm before they were even in K?

And then you and your husband worked for an hour every night after your children went to bed, so like 9:15-10:15 pm, before you cleaned up and got everything ready for the next day before waking up at like 5:15 to shower and get ready before the kids woke up at 6? What an insane schedule for your entire family.

While many working couples do not both have unicorn remote jobs that allow them to flex time in a way that allows them to work outside of standard hours that also correspond with their spouse’s job, usually jobs like this do not allow for growth. If someone needs your spouse at 4 or you at 8 am they can’t get ahold of you for hours. This entire set up is also predicated on your toddler and preschool aged children waking up at 6, going to bed at 9, and napping for two hours in the middle of the day and you and your husband using your evenings to put your kids to bed and work. The craziness of this schedule perfectly illustrates why so many people either have childcare for a standard workday or a parent stays at home.

Our nanny helped with cooking and housework during nap time. We paid a FT salary for only 30-35 hours a week, so she was happy to do it.

Look, you can try and poke 100 holes in my story that are not worth my time to refute. If it makes you happy to believe I am a) lying about my schedule b) was miserable during that time, or c) had a career that stalled, then go ahead and believe it.

But for any open-minded WOHMs out there who enjoy working and still want to find a way to spend more time with their kids, I would strongly recommend advocating for a more flexible schedule, before giving up and quitting. Yes, it requires some sacrifice of nighttime entertainment (very limited TV or phone scrolling for us!) but it was worth it because we spent a ton of time with our young kids while still growing our careers.

I'm a DP, and I don't think you're lying. Glad it worked out for you.

But, come on, your situation and posts are irrelevant and derailing. Why? Because they realistically apply to like no one, or maybe something like 0.0001% of dual FT WOHM households where both spouses have traditional office jobs. You must understand how exceedingly rare it is to be a couple where BOTH OF YOU could have those kind of alternate schedules and flexibility and not tank your careers. Your advice is really not going to apply to anyone, so it's annoying!

Also, you keep trickling in more information...like now it turns out you had to log back on for hours at night and pay your part-time nanny a full-time salary. Ugh, ugh, ugh!

FWIW, my kids are school-age now and I am able to work 7 to 3 two days a week which I arranged because those two days my one kid has an activity she is very passionate about that I need to get her to. My DH is senior enough that he can put the kids onto the bus at 8:20 those two days, getting into the office a little later, and it's ok. That's the kind of reasonable flexibility some folks should look into/test out! But me not starting my day everyday until 11:15 and him needing to leave the office everyday at 4 to relieve the nanny??? we would tank out careers no doubt! (And our jobs are not even that intense or big on "facetime".)

It’s extremely common now for parents to have flexible schedules and paternity leave.

OTOH, it’s about .000001% of the population who are SAHM who are not busy with everything but raising their kids during the day.