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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This recent Jen Hatmaker/Kristen Howerton/Jamie Wright Ny Ex Is A Monster And I Was A Perfect Saint In My Marriage podcast is so bad that if they were still famous enough, if it went viral, would provoke a furious backlash.

Jen would have to take it down and post a bunch of apologetic word salad posts about how “she’s still hurting” and “wasn’t fair to ex husbands everywhere” and that “she’s still trying to find the tools of living through divorce”, etc.  [/quote]

Yep. I agree.  Wonder why their husbands habitually cheated?  I would never condone that behavior at all, but the reality is, something was broken in their respective marriages and both parties have some ownership. Maybe they don’t like sexy time, or aren’t freaky enough, or have hang-ups from their own brokenness. Instead, let’s drag the horrible ex across the coals. Very tacky and hurtful. They’re doing it to get back at their ex’s and not address their own problems. [/quote]

Yikes—Hatmakers aside, this thinking is problematic and enables abusers. Great relationships take 2 people, but it only takes one person to ruin things. The actions of another aren’t the responsibility of the spouse who was wronged. This is the kind of thinking and teaching that was pervasive in the conservative evangelical communities I was raised in, but there was only grace for the husbands who strayed, were abusive, addicted, or detached. When women did these things, they were vilified—much like is what’s happening with much of the talk surrounding the Hatmakers.

If someone is reading this and in a bad situation or being treated in a way that lacks respect, dignity, or honesty — please know — it’s not you, it’s them! Holy yikes, this type of thinking is so toxic. To think that there are people out there giving men a pass for cheating because their wife wasn’t “freaky” enough. That’s sick and sad, especially because a cheater is going to cheat no matter how much you compromise your comfort, self respect, or personal boundaries. [/quote]

I agree with you…but I think the point made was that, generally, it does take to to make the marriage work.  And that includes being 100% into the 50% of the marriage. Certainly no one deserves to be cheated on… at all. And it’s poor thinking to think “you’re gonna fix or change your partner.”  But, at the same time, is the other spouse completely invested in the marriage too?  These women don’t seem to take any responsibility for the unraveling of their marriages— and I believe, having experienced marriage counseling, that both parties are in someway responsible. I’m other words, no one is perfect. But I do agree wholeheartedly, that abuse or infidelity etc are never ok. 
[/quote]

NEWSFLASH: every marriage is different.  So much of the time the person cheats because of childhood trauma, addiction issues, midlife, etc. that have nothing at all to do with the spouse.  Nothing.  A bipolar person is not the fault of the spouse, nor is anyone with mental illness or unaddressed baggage/trauma from their childhood.  The spouse can be Mother efffing Theresa, look like Angelina Jolie, be June M-effing Cleaver, and Jenna Jameson in the bedroom...and, you know what?, someone disordered will still cheat.[/quote]

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