Reply to Mom still talks trash about other woman (now dad's wife)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.*

What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc.

It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time.

FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't. [/quote]

Uncomfortable?  I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events.  I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad.

There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do.    [/quote]

She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is. [/quote]

Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad.  Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.[/quote]

Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years.
[/quote]

As you get older in life, I think you'll find that descriptions of past behaviors and choices will "stick." [/quote]

This is so true.  I think it's one thing to be cordial to ow, but to invite her to weddings or graduations was a horrible thing to do to their mom.  It would be similar to inviting your molester, or someone who ran your kid over to a family event.  Then telling you to "just get over it" since it happened over 15 years ago. [/quote]

Do you know how awkward that is to implement in reality? My brother was seven when they got married and he lived with them half the time - it would be odd for her not to go to his graduation. As for my wedding - was I really supposed to invite my dad but not his wife of over fifteen years? All married couples were invited as couples.

My dad has experienced much pain and anguish (not at the time, but not too long after) and has asked for forgiveness from me, my brother, and my mother. The truth is: my dad and mom were never happy together. They had a shotgun wedding (you're welcome) and were truly incompatible. They bickered endlessly. That doesn't relieve my father of serious wrongdoings but it's over now. This is his life. This is who he's chosen to be with. We can't live in the past forever. [/quote]

I know many that do. My bil cheated on his ex wife with his current wife. She wasn't invited to his son's wedding, isn't invited to their home or any of his grown kids celebrations.  Christmas eve he goes over there, she does stuff with her family then they celebrate Christmas together. His kids told their dad from day one and that was 10 years ago. From what I know bil's new wife is fine with that, has no desire to be at those kinds of events.

My other sil whose husband cheated wasn't allow to bring ow to their family celebrations either. That story is about as bad as op's with her dad so it's pretty much up to the individuals involved.  My sil never talked bad about ow in front of the kids (she dead now), but she told her kids she would never go to anything that woman was at.   Maybe OP's mom is merely trying to get a reaction from her knowing it bothers her.

I try to look at all sides. I wonder how the kids would feel if mom started inviting their exes to family gatherings, doing things with them knowing it was an abusive relationship or worse.  I'm sure that happens too.[/quote]

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