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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP,  I didn't go through the entire thread, but I really hope you got some good support and encouragement to pack a bag and get out of your situation.  It can be really hard, when we are habitually normalizing other peoples bad behavior, to realize that we are actually in a very *not normal* situation. OP, you are in an abusive situation.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in anger and relationships I can say, unequivocally, this will not get much better. Maybe a little better, and maybe enough to convince you to spend another few years dangling from the thread, but never enough to provide you with the stability and respect an adult relationship should offer.

The most telling part of your post is how much you are both doing to normalize his behavior. Instead of his acknowledging that he has a problem, he is blaming others on their lack of tolerance for his behavior. Nothing else will change until that does. As long as you stay, you remain (from his perspective) a sign that he is right and all is well enough.

For what it is worth, I was in a terrible relationship for all of my 20s. No abuse but tons of other issues. I ended it at 34 and feared I would be alone and miserable for years. I met someone at 35, we have 3 kids and a very solid and supportive relationship. [/quote]

PP here.  Since at least one other PP and I mistook DH for the opposite of their abusive parent, what can you say about looking for a "normal" mate? Abusers are very cunning and sharp in regard to hiding their abusive tendencies, as you know, ands as I have had to learn.  Some might call their behavior gas lighting. They are positively charming (in my DH's case, flirty and smart) to the outside world.  Hell, my DH even charms his psychologist (which he sees only occasionally, it should be every week!) 
[/quote]

This one is so hard, because manipulation and deceit exploits positive qualities in you like generosity and empathy. I completely agree it can be so hard to figure out if a person is manipulative, while at the same time protecting yourself from becoming cynical and suspicious.  There are a couple of qualities that can serve as *protective factors* against manipulative/narcissistic/sociopathic partners. First, start listening to your gut. Even if you don't know whether to trust it, it is important to note if there are discrepancies between what your head is telling you (rationalizations often sound like: everything is great, he is really working on himself, i am happy more often than i am not, he is traumatized and I cant expect more from him...etc) and what your stomach is telling you (gut responses like frequent anxiety, walking on eggshells, doubting your own emotional reactions).

When there are discrepancies here (between the heart and the head), it is good to pay attention to it. The term is cognitive dissonance and it applies to any number of crazy-making scenarios like gas lighting and general narcissistic abuse. When you get good at recognizing cognitive dissonance you can start to develop better trust in your instincts. Good therapy is helpful, too, but only if you find a good fit and someone who helps you build a sense of self-efficacy, and not someone who is going to just try to give you a bunch of advice (like I am here  :lol: )[/quote]

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