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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is exactly when an affair is justifiable.  When you would do your spouse more harm by leaving them then by having a discreet affair.  My DW went years with zero desire after the kids were born.  I had a couple affairs that allowed me to stay married and sane.  She regained her libido, I am faithful now, we are very happy family.

OP, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.[/quote]

"Put on your oxygen mask" by jumping overboard. Great plan, PP!  :roll:  And when that "discreet affair" blows up?[/quote]

Well, if she gets caught it will either be the wake up call her DH needs or it will lead to divorce.  She is going to end up divorced or miserable anyway if she doesn't have an affair.

Signed - a DH who was never caught and knows plenty of others who weren't caught.  [/quote]

This "logic" makes absolutely no sense to me, and I'm so disheartened to see so much of it. You're faced with a problem. You can address the problem, ignore the problem and go on as-is, leave (because the problem isn't solveable/worth trying to solve), or do something that, if discovered, not only exacerbates the original problem, but drops several more beside it.

And you chose the latter?! Even if you don't get caught by someone else, YOU KNOW. Is your integrity really so valueless?[/quote]

I have noticed that people classify those who cheat as those who take this easy way out, who didn't address the problem, etc. Guess what? It takes two to tango. I would hazard to guess that not an insignificant number of people who cheat have tried to talk to their spouses about the problems in their marriage and the spouses denied the problem or just didn't listen and relied on "vows" to keep fidelity in the marriage while not working on the problems at hand. Throw kids and finances into the mix and it becomes very hard to leave.[/quote]

Actually, PP, you seem to have proven the point. "It's very hard to leave..." so I'll just cheat instead. Cheating basically says your immediate wants are more important than your obligations to your marriage. If your partner can't/won't fix the problem, and you really have tried everything you possibly could, then you leave. You may not be able to leave right this second, but you can figure it out, and you can keep you genitals to yourself in the interim.

The fact that you put "vows" in quotes says a lot.[/quote]

Vows were in quotes because people break them all of the time. Denying your partner emotional support? Not having your partners back? Etc Etc. Nothing in a marriage happens in a vacuum and relying on existential vows that were said in the rosy honeymoon of a relationship are basically rendered meaningless when one or both parties refuse to care for each other. But people loooove being a victim so often they don't look at the role they played in their marriage breakdown. My DH is one of them. His exwife chafed and left. He was the victim. I was too naive to understand these dynamics. We married had kids and 14 years later if the kids weren't In the picture I would have walked. He learned very little from his prior failed marriage be ways he refused to acknowledge his role, he refused to go to counseling to understand any of it.  After a solid year of couples counseling things are tolerable enough for me to stay but a very important emotional side of me, the side that yearns for an emotional and sexual connection that just isn't important to my DH anymore, for reasons he will not divulge, feels dead. Yet there is no abuse, he is gainfully employed, and my kids are happy and our home life is low conflict. People on here say unless there is cheating or a use don't break up your family. You are saying nah, just leave. And what about the kids? You can't have it both ways.

So, this is not a black or white thing, no matter how much you and others try to make it.[/quote]

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