Anonymous wrote:OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing, OP.

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I met someone who knew him as a child and that person said that as a kid, his father beat him excessively.
You wouldn't know it today, he only speaks highly of his family. He's an all around decent person, who never has anything bad to say about anyone.
This person told me that she knew his family well when they were growing up, and she described the kind of abuse where the kids ran out of the house and were carried back inside, everyone could hear them being beaten. Often for the slightest things, and he, being the oldest, got it the worst. She also said that the father had them remove their clothes/pants to beat them. She said that once another kid teased him about being beaten (mean), but he shrugged and denied that it ever happened.

My sister says that he had great parents, I think because he said that he had great parents. To me, the only thing that I have seen is a look of sadness at times, and this is in hindsight.

I will tell my sister (we are close and I am not afraid), but before I do, any constructive advice?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

b Little pot stirrer. You disgust me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

b Little pot stirrer. You disgust me.

Anonymous wrote:From here on out, keep your frickin' mouth shut. No one else needs to know your bil's private matters. Stop with the gossiping.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the sister says her husband told her that his parents had been great, it doesn't lead you to think he's dealt with things in an integrated way, but has compartmentalized and lives in denial with his wife, with whom he should feel most able to share his history. You can say your childhood was rough and that your parents were too hard on you to the point of being abusive, without going into gory detail and reliving it. To gloss over it with a lie is unhealthy, because you should be able to share basic aspects of your history with your spouse, so they can better understand and support you. And when you can stop hiding things you can let go of the shame and stigma you feel. We should feel guilt for wrongs we have done, but we should not feel shame, and certainly not for things that were done to us. That's recovery 101.

There is nothing wrong with limiting who you tell. My closest friends know of my past, my spouse knows of my past, my in laws do not, my neighbors do not, my coworkers do not, my acquaintances do not. My therapist says I am one of the most emotionally healthy people she has met and I am not just a survivor I am a thriver. People are rarely satisfied with a "I had a difficult childhood" statement without pressing further for details that are none of their business. As shown above, too many people make negative assumptions about survivors and perpetuate stereotypes. I choose to not be victimized by my past or by busybodies who want a gruesome tale. People are making a lot of assumptions here with few to no facts--this keeps is the type of stigma abuse survivors face whenever they choose to tell their story. Bring selective in who you talk to in no way means you haven't dealt with it and moved on.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your sister already knows and hasn't told you because it's none of your business.