Reply to My DD told me that I am the maid

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.[/quote]

I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!
[/quote]

OP here.  Wow it just is never-ending.  DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV.  I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV."  I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it.  She got up and started fighting me for the remote.  She's bigger now than I am.  I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote.  I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me.  But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"?   I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote.  Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative.  My arm is shaking as I type.  It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?[/quote]

[b]You daughter IS the alpha female in your house. There was never a day in my mind, even in my shitty teenage years, that I would have felt ok trying to wrestle something from my mom's hand.

Her laundry is the least of your worries. I think you need a sit down with your DH, and a visit with a therapist or some parenting classes.

I literally would not do a thing for her. Nothing. She would cook her own food, wash her own clothes, pack her own lunch, and I might make her work to live in my house.  She thinks she is your peer. I would shut that down in a hurry.[/b] [/quote]

Outstanding post. My antennae also went up at OP's "alpha" comment, because I think it's a very astute observation and is probably a big part, if not the crux, of the issue - innate personality as opposed to any huge parenting failure on OP's part. DD wants to run the show and will scorch the earth to try and make that happen. We all know those a few of those people - and they're born, not made. I would be no match for a kid like that, not because I'm a wimp (far from), but because I would literally be slack-jawed (and very hurt) that my 13 year old would be so hard-core. I was a brat to my mom at 13, but I would NEVER have stooped this low, or tried in any way to physically intimidate or engage with her. Or called her names, either. Eye-rolling, snottiness, and attitude sufficed (and that was plenty, I'm sure). OP, I really feel for you. Family counselor/child psychologist? Your ped might have a recommendation for you. If nothing else, it will show her how seriously you are taking her character deficiency, that you're actually seeking professional help for her. It should indicate to her that she's crossed a major line. And, of course, she can do all her own damn chores from now on. [/quote]

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