Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 17:13     Subject: My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't this âge yet but the book 123 Magic addresses older kids in the last chapters. Two things he recommends are natural consequences and bartering.
Natural consequences means that if she wants to watch TV instead of preparing for basketball practice then she will be late and have to deal with her coach.
Bartering means that if she doesn't want to clear her plate, that's fine but you will charge $10 to do it for her. She can decide whether to pay the fee or do it herself. This works if she has spending money or an allowance and if you have no qualms about getting paid.


I have neither the time nor the interest to deal with this bullshit.


NP. How is the bolded bullshit? That's been pretty much our approach on most things. You choose your action, you choose the consequences, but your actions don't get to create a crisis -- practical or emotional -- for anyone else. 4 kids, 22, 20, 12, and 3. The 3 year old isn't generally ready for this approach yet, but it works or worked reasonably for the older kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 16:52     Subject: My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:My kids aren't this âge yet but the book 123 Magic addresses older kids in the last chapters. Two things he recommends are natural consequences and bartering.
Natural consequences means that if she wants to watch TV instead of preparing for basketball practice then she will be late and have to deal with her coach.
Bartering means that if she doesn't want to clear her plate, that's fine but you will charge $10 to do it for her. She can decide whether to pay the fee or do it herself. This works if she has spending money or an allowance and if you have no qualms about getting paid.


I have neither the time nor the interest to deal with this bullshit.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 16:48     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I don't know a lot of parents of older teens but I'm starting to wonder if 13 is actually the most hellish year for dealing with behavior, at least with respect to girls.


I have ushered three kids through and past the age of 13, and, you are right, 13 is pretty much the worst. It does get better, even more so after 15.

I wish lots of strength and courage and patience to those of you still in the trenches of dealing with 13 year olds. You'll get through it!


OP here. Wow it just is never-ending. DH and younger DD are gone this morning, and the Princess gets up and goes to watch TV. I say after she gets ready for basketball, and she says, "NO, I'm watching TV." I took the remote, and calmly said, "you can watch after you are dressed".

I swear, here is where some parents who would say, "just take the remote/make her shovel snow" don't get it. She got up and started fighting me for the remote. She's bigger now than I am. I walked out of the room with it, and she found another remote. I said, calmly, "you are not watching TV" and she said, "YES I AM!" And I said "I will tell your dean about this when explaining why I'm pulling you from your school," (she's at a very challenging and prestigious school this year, but was at a nearby school and could go back there--I have voiced concerns that this school might be great academically but not as good as the nearby school in instilling the moral compass).

Anyways I remained calm and did manage to hide all remotes, and she ended up calling DH and crying about how mean I was (and he backed me--couldn't hear it all but really good stuff.)

I know I must "drop the rope" if only for the fact that she will soon be stronger than me. But tell me, if I say no TV and she says "I AM WATCHING TV", if I then "drop the rope" and let her watch TV, how does that do anything but show her I'm a paper tiger?

I guess I should say "you watch now, and you will not watch again for a week"? I guess that's the answer rather than fighting with her over the remote. Yikes it's hard to think when you are in the moment--it took me writing this post to think of that seemingly obvious alternative. My arm is shaking as I type. It is really hard to be strategic in the moment.

So I guess my question to DCUM is, how to be able to think strategically in the moment?


You daughter IS the alpha female in your house. There was never a day in my mind, even in my shitty teenage years, that I would have felt ok trying to wrestle something from my mom's hand.

Her laundry is the least of your worries. I think you need a sit down with your DH, and a visit with a therapist or some parenting classes.

I literally would not do a thing for her. Nothing. She would cook her own food, wash her own clothes, pack her own lunch, and I might make her work to live in my house. She thinks she is your peer. I would shut that down in a hurry.


Outstanding post. My antennae also went up at OP's "alpha" comment, because I think it's a very astute observation and is probably a big part, if not the crux, of the issue - innate personality as opposed to any huge parenting failure on OP's part. DD wants to run the show and will scorch the earth to try and make that happen. We all know those a few of those people - and they're born, not made. I would be no match for a kid like that, not because I'm a wimp (far from), but because I would literally be slack-jawed (and very hurt) that my 13 year old would be so hard-core. I was a brat to my mom at 13, but I would NEVER have stooped this low, or tried in any way to physically intimidate or engage with her. Or called her names, either. Eye-rolling, snottiness, and attitude sufficed (and that was plenty, I'm sure). OP, I really feel for you. Family counselor/child psychologist? Your ped might have a recommendation for you. If nothing else, it will show her how seriously you are taking her character deficiency, that you're actually seeking professional help for her. It should indicate to her that she's crossed a major line. And, of course, she can do all her own damn chores from now on.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 16:38     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when feminists and other working women look down on SAHMs. You are a dirtball to be used and abused. And if you think this isn't true, ask around what some pay for housekeepers and nannies. Prostitutes make more for sex and are respected. Uber drivers get paid more than the mother taxi. Mothers work very hard yet make ZERO.

We women have truly fucked up a few generations of girls. It's solely our own fault.

Disrespectful little bitches. Just like the grownup bitches here. Rude, snarky, snotty, hate filled, envious, nasty mouthed, know it all women.

Yes, this is what OP and others have to look forward to.


+1. I had no idea that such venom and contempt and nastiness existed for stay at home mothers until I read this board. It is vile and it is absolutely poisoning the well. Great post, PP. And condolences, OP.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 16:07     Subject: My DD told me that I am the maid
No one has mentioned that OP should also be trying to find ways to connect with her teen and have bonding moments. I feel for you because just yesterday me and my 8 year old dd had a bit of a match over the tv remote. When that happens, I pull the power cord out of the wall, and I have also taken the tv and put it in the basement. My dh said his dad did that with his stereo when he was a teen. Seemed like a good idea in the moment.

So anyway, sometimes I try to find good things to say about/to my dd's, and I try to remember to randomly give them hugs and tell them I love them. I find especially with my 8 year old that I feel like I am constantly telling her to stop this or that or criticizing her because she is often trying to hurt her older sister. It helps all of us for me to catch her being good and connecting with her. In my dd's case, I know some of her behavior is attention seeking.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 16:04     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you may need an intervention like this mom:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/parents-defend-moms-creative-punishment-for-teen-son/

It worked out for her, it might work for you as well.


Something is not following here. She wanted to punish him because he didn't have homework and then was looking for colored pencils? Bizarre.


You didn't read it very well.
Estella told CBS News she came up with the punishment after her son walked in the door from school a few weeks ago and told her he didn't have any homework. Later that night, he ran into her bedroom, searching for colored pencils to "color something for school."


The point is that he lied about his homework, probably to break the rules of doing homework before doing something like screentime or playing or whatever. He needed to learn to respect his parents and follow the household rules, which he blatantly lied about and broke.

Then he compounded the problem by mouthing off.
"He sat at the end of my bed, and just started lipping off: 'You can't take that away from me. You can't control me.'"

The 13-year-old, who makes a few bucks here and there from his YouTube channel, fired back at his unemployed mom: "Well, at least one of us is making money!"

Estella, who has been unable to work due to health issues, said that was the straw that broke the camel's back.


So he lied about homework, then he mouthed off that she couldn't control him and finally threw in her face that she didn't work even though that was due to health issues. He was a real jerk and she needed him to learn some respect. I wouldn't want a child of mine to have that attitude or say something like that to someone else. It would reflect poorly on me as the parent and I agree she needed strong measures.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 15:40     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Turn off her phone. You can do it online. That really gets my kids' attention.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 15:38     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:The consequence for the first mouthing off is that she will have to cook her own meals for a day, you should not cook for her the next day after such a comment.

The consequence for the second mouthing off is that you will not wash any of her clothes for a week. She can wear dirty clothes or wash them herself.

She's got that huge chip of entitlement on her shoulder because your consequences don't matter to her. But having to cook or clean for herself might instill some humility in her if she wants to have those things done for her.


I remember very clearly mouthing off at my mom at age 12 (and she was a WOHM too) about the fact that she made one of my shirts pink (she accidentally left a red item in with the whites), and saying something like "I CANNOT believe that someone 40 years old cannot do a load of laundry properly". That was it. My mom looked me squarely in the eye and said 'Then you can do it, since you never make a mistake anyway'. And she never did my laundry again; or at least not until I was post partum and needed help and this time I was VERY VERY GRATEFUL.

Btw, my 5 year old is almost self sufficient in doing her laundry, so I highly suggest you have your teen do hers.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 13:39     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you may need an intervention like this mom:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/parents-defend-moms-creative-punishment-for-teen-son/

It worked out for her, it might work for you as well.


Something is not following here. She wanted to punish him because he didn't have homework and then was looking for colored pencils? Bizarre.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 13:25     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you may need an intervention like this mom:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/parents-defend-moms-creative-punishment-for-teen-son/

It worked out for her, it might work for you as well.


I. LOVE. THIS, especially the $30 maid service fee.

I use a similar statement ("If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to start acting like one.") to my 10 yr old when DC tries to compare to DC's 7 yr old sibling... "if you want me to treat you like a 7 yr old, I will.. including earlier bed time, no sleepovers, etc..". That usually makes DC stop whining.



I would have only done $150 in rent and made a list of sell back items - clothing, computer, etc. but good for her. Nice way to handle it.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 13:20     Subject: My DD told me that I am the maid
My kids aren't this âge yet but the book 123 Magic addresses older kids in the last chapters. Two things he recommends are natural consequences and bartering.
Natural consequences means that if she wants to watch TV instead of preparing for basketball practice then she will be late and have to deal with her coach.
Bartering means that if she doesn't want to clear her plate, that's fine but you will charge $10 to do it for her. She can decide whether to pay the fee or do it herself. This works if she has spending money or an allowance and if you have no qualms about getting paid.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 12:58     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you may need an intervention like this mom:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/parents-defend-moms-creative-punishment-for-teen-son/

It worked out for her, it might work for you as well.


I. LOVE. THIS, especially the $30 maid service fee.

I use a similar statement ("If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to start acting like one.") to my 10 yr old when DC tries to compare to DC's 7 yr old sibling... "if you want me to treat you like a 7 yr old, I will.. including earlier bed time, no sleepovers, etc..". That usually makes DC stop whining.

Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 12:49     Subject: My DD told me that I am the maid
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Reason 4738348 not to be a SAHM.


Ridiculous comment, but nice attempt at getting the mommy wars started again.

This situation has nothing to do with SAH and everything to do with a bitchy kid. I'm a SAHM and would never tolerate this kind of disrespectful behavior from my kids. There are plenty of kids with entitlement issues, regardless of their parents' work status.


PP, I agree that the PP is ridiculous. I WOH but some days wish I was SAHM. But your comment that you would never tolerate this kind of disrespect from your kids is ridiculous. OP parents fine, she isn't enabling. Sometimes kids are just mean, get over yourself.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 12:41     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
OP, sounds like you may need an intervention like this mom:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/parents-defend-moms-creative-punishment-for-teen-son/

It worked out for her, it might work for you as well.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 11:19     Subject: Re:My DD told me that I am the maid
Disengage, OP. You really have to tone down your emotions and stop battling with her.
As of today, she does her own laundry, packs her own lunch for school, and keeps track of her own practice schedule. If she has a dirty uniform, so sad, too bad.
She asks you (politely!) for a ride when it's needed. You tell her what time works for you, and let her get herself ready by that time. If she wants to watch tv for 28 minutes and can get ready in two minutes, great. No need to fight over the remote control. But if she watches tv for 28 minutes and then takes 15 to get ready. Oh well. Maybe you have something else to do and you can't drive her any more. Or if you can, she's the one who is late and has to deal with her coach.

But stop the drama and the power plays. This is the time when she has to start learning real world consequences to her actions.