Reply to No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So you chose to have three kids with a man you don't respect?[/quote]

Like I have said multiple times. He put on a good show until recently. Made a lot of false promises and statements to me. I feel duped in a lot of ways. Promises to move for 3-4 years (our youngest is now 3 and sharing a bedroom with two older siblings). Yes this area is expensive. But the current arrangement (family of 5 in a two bedroom condo) is laughable. [/quote]

Really?

Nothing about this post seems real.[/quote]

We're starting to get to the bottom of this. As she hinted to in previous posts, this guy checked all the superficial boxes prior to marriage (private school education), but once the rubber hit the road, i.e. having a family, the light shined upon her. Let this be a lesson to all the little ladies out there that the keys to a successful marriage and family runs beyond checking boxes like private school education and social standing.[/quote]

So why'd she keep having children with him? I'm sorry, but I find some of the details hard to believe (e.g., I'm a total MILF! We have three children in a two-bedroom condo!) Maybe I'm wrong, but it feels off.[/quote]

OP Again, nothing is off.  We have a nice condo in a nice part of DC, but it is too small. Great neighborhood. But too small. I am not Halle Berry, but am attractive and take care of myself - not overweight, fit build, professional style. I didn't "settle" for DH because I am unattractive, as some PPs imply. I had plenty of options when DH and I met and started dating. Again, as I said before[b], I think it was a situation of meeting each other at the right time, as opposed to necessarily meeting the right person. [/b]I had had relationships with guys who wouldn't commit or who cheated on me.  DH isn't that way. As I have stated before, DH is a good guy, and there are a lot of things I do love about him, but it's the lack of motivation and ability to do anything without procrastinating for months/years that is wearing thin. The empty promises of finding a new place (for three years now...we started the conversation when I got pregnant with #3, who is now 3), have been to countless open houses, but can never get DH motivated enough to pull the trigger. The failure to finish things he starts. Lack of motivation to find a new job. Lack of decision making. Constant procrastination. No desire to move up in the world, if not for us...at least for the sake of our children! Dropping the ball constantly on things related to the kids.  And then complaining and whining at me when I finally make decisions. As others have said, a man-child.  When it was the four of us in the condo, we knew things got tight and when I was pregnant, we agreed to move....but then it just never happens. No matter how many places we look at. No many how many great condos or townhouses we see. In this market, when something good comes up, you have to move fast. And, as discussed, DH cannot move fast....if he moves at all.[/quote]

Dear OP:

Huge red flag with your statement in bold. Your marriage will forever be pitiful if your underlying beliefs are that: 1) hes not the right person for you and 2) he got lucky due to timing. These statements are "stories" and are not rooted in reality. Reality is: you met and married this man and your immediate feelings about him have changed based on his actions, or lack thereof. You feel resentment and bitterness and are allowing these feelings to dictate your treatment of him and shape your entire view of your marriage.

This is not to say your feelings are not valid. On the contrary, they are, but just realize them for what they are: feelings. They come and go. Some stay around longer than others.

Now that thats out of the way, the best way to sort through emotional issues is to deal with the facts. The facts from what your have stated in prior posts as I understand them are:
1) Your husband's ambition or confidence levels have dropped from prior years 
2) you handle most of the decision making/responsibilities for the household 
3) your career and earnings > husbands
4) your husband struggles with a disability

These facts make you feel: lonely, bitter, disappointed, unappreciated, fearful for the future. Ok.

Truth of the matter is, you may need to carry the family for a few years.  I do not know your husband so I cannot speculate what his issues are, but as his wife, there are some things exclusive of marriage counseling you can do if you want save the quality of your marriage:

1) Remember that you made a promise to love this man, through the good and bad times. Right now, for him, he may be going through somethings internally that he cannot (or does not) articulate well. As a middle aged man myself, I can attest to that. He may need encouragement and space to figure it out. Or he may need counseling on his own. Whatever the case, coming at him with love would get you a lot farther with him then by treating him like your 4th child. Even if he is acting like one. It will, at the very least, remove one barrier of communication which could help you guys sort through your issues. At the most, he may respond positively.

2) Put chores and responsibilities on paper.  Sit down and write out all of your family chores and responsibilities.  Then discuss who primarily does what and see where changes can be made to help ease the burden. This will need to be done without judgment (meaning: no complaining). Visually seeing the delineation of responsibilities will be very eye opening for both of you. Building better structure generally helps improve the performance of procrastinators. This will help build structure to the way your household is run and it will help both of you understand your expectations.

3) If your husband is struggling with pursing his goals or with his career, ask how you could be helpful to your husband.  For a lot of men, disappointment in career/future goals results in lower self value and worth.  You may be able to help arrange a life coach or some other form of paid assistance. Or you could simply be a thought partner in helping him work through challenges. Yes, I understand you have three kids. Sometimes we have to do these things for the better of the marriage. Two high functioning parents are better than one. If one has to carry the other for a time to help them get on their feet, it would be good for all in the long run.

4) If not doing so already, actively work to date your husband. Sometimes life becomes a constant running machine with kids. You may need more time alone to rediscover why you love each other. Or at the very least, to find opportunities to increase the frequency of when you enjoy each others company.

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