Reply to Getting seperated...what is fair?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I will share my experience. It's going to be different than yours because my ex-husband is not a dishonest weasel like yours, but I learned a lot of valuable things in the process.

1. Collaborative divorce is expensive. There are a number of attorneys in the DC area who are experienced in collaborative divorce, and they have relatively high rates. If he gets an expensive attorney with a lot of experience and you get someone cheaper who has less experience, there is always the possibility that his attorney will try to do to your attorney what he's been trying to do to you. I am confused about the process that is being described to you - is your husband suggesting a total of 2 attorneys (yours and his), 3 attorneys (yours, his, mediating collaborative attorney), or 5 attorneys (yours, his, mediating collaborative attorney, and two "regular divorce lawyers")? The way that my lawyer (who is a collaborative divorce expert) described the process, it would be two attorneys, who would help us come to an agreement over a longer term process.

2. Costs. My attorney was a referral from a friend. Because she was sensitive to my cost issues, she referred my case to her associate, whose rates were much lower. She was still involved, but I got the sense that she wrote off a lot of our communication (because I also work in law and saw the bills and knew when we corresponded and didn't always see it on the bill). I paid $3000. My ex, who had a similar attorney, paid $5000. His attorney did the actual filing and so his fees paid for that. We did not end up in court and didn't have a lot of conflict about our agreement - this is OBVIOUSLY not going to be the case for you.

3. Compromises. I would encourage you to speak with your attorney and think about what things are not negotiable for you. For me, my ex paying for the rest of daycare, any sort of aftercare expenses from school, plus extracurriculars if she wanted them, was important. Him continuing to carry her on his medical insurance AND agreeing to pay for the out of pocket stuff as well, was important. I would imagine that both of those things would be EXTRA important if your children have any kind of special needs or are particularly young. My DD was 2 when we separated and we live in DC, so she started public preschool a year later and his days of paying insane daycare tuition were numbered. She also wasn't going to the doctor all the time. I was willing to trade an agreement that he pay for all those things and buy me out of the house (not a straight 50/50 split - I think it'll end up being me getting about 30% of the value vs. his 70%) in exchange for straight up child support. The calculator would have had him paying me so much in child support that he would have been unable to keep the house and I wanted him to be able to keep the house. My lawyer didn't like these compromises, but with the monthly payments associated with the house and the insurance premiums and aftercare expenses, it works out to more or less what he'd be paying me in child support anyway.

4. Reality. You will learn very clearly who you married as a result of this process. That can be good or bad. Your husband has shown you his true colors when he tried to make you feel greedy for asking for something that is fair. Your husband incurred debt in both your names without telling you. He has been lying to you about money for a long time and is now trying to make YOU feel greedy. You are not married to a person with integrity. He will not behave with your collective best interests at heart. Your follow up posts show concern that he will not care appropriately for your children on his watch. For those reasons, I really, really don't think that collaborative divorce is a good option for you guys. It requires both parties acting in good faith, and given that past behavior is the most accurate predictor of future behavior, I just don't think that you can count on him to act in good faith.

Best of luck to you. It was not always easy, but we were both committed to behaving with integrity and acting in the best interest of our child. Every time we were frustrated by the process or felt attacked, we consciously chose to back off and take a breather from the situation. He spent a lot of time in church. I spent a lot of time in therapy. It was an exhausting and emotional process, but it truly has worked out for the best. I wish you and your husband the ability to similarly prioritize.[/quote]

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