Reply to Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

Forum Index » General Parenting Discussion

Reply to "Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because [b]there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.[/b]

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.[/quote]

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others. [/quote]

Because not everyone has great choices and a lot of people wind up forced into whatever route they took. Good for you that you liked your available choices and made one that worked great for you family. Lots of people are not in that situation and feel inherently defensive about their situation because they wish they'd had other choices but didn't.

A lot of the problem here is that we frame this as a choice when it's actually not for a significant portion of the population. If you genuinely got to choose and all of the available options were financially and logistically realistic for your family then you are are an extreme outlier. Even among upper middle class families people don't always have choices -- there are huge differences depending on what kind of work you and your partner do and how your incomes are distributed between partners and what kind of family help you have and where you live.

We act like women are choosing off a menu but in reality most people are kind of pushed into one option or another and tryign to make it work for their families. Of course people are defensive and seeking validation.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics