Anonymous wrote:I think the fundamental misunderstanding is that “raising your kids” doesn’t need to be either a compliment or a put-down. It’s just a neutral description, and you’re all bringing your own baggage to it.
My kids were in daycare full time, and every single one of their caregivers absolutely has had a hand in raising them. That’s where they learned how to use a toilet, how to eat with utensils, how to diffuse conflict with other kids, etc. It’s dishonest to pretend that the function of the daycare was just to keep them alive until my spouse and I could pick them up at 5:30 and start raising them that day.
Similarly, my children are lucky enough to have four living grandparents who spend significant time with them. I have no problem acknowledging that their grandparents are also helping to raise them.
Of course my husband and I are also raising them, but no, we’re not doing it by ourselves. This is a team effort and there’s no shame involved.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?
It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.
It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?
Depends on age of child. A three year old -- yes. And infant -- not really. It's not *bad* for the infant as long as whoever they are with is also a loving and attentive caregiver. But no it is not bad for babies under age 1 to spend all their time with their parents and it's definitely superior to any situation in which they will be spending any signficant amount of time without 1:1 attention and contact.
A lot of SAHPs put kids in play groups or part-time preschool starting at age 2 or even 18 mo specifically to start helping them socialize and get through stuff like separation anxiety. But no if you tell someone "maybe it would be good for your 6 months old to spend some time away from you" you sound dumb. Again that doesn't mean a baby spending the day with a great nanny or a grandparent or at really good daycare with 1:1 ratios is getting substandard care -- they aren't. But the baby at home with the SAHP (assuming the SAHP is engaged and attentive) is also getting top level care from a developmental standpoint. It's ideal.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the fundamental misunderstanding is that “raising your kids” doesn’t need to be either a compliment or a put-down. It’s just a neutral description, and you’re all bringing your own baggage to it.
My kids were in daycare full time, and every single one of their caregivers absolutely has had a hand in raising them. That’s where they learned how to use a toilet, how to eat with utensils, how to diffuse conflict with other kids, etc. It’s dishonest to pretend that the function of the daycare was just to keep them alive until my spouse and I could pick them up at 5:30 and start raising them that day.
Similarly, my children are lucky enough to have four living grandparents who spend significant time with them. I have no problem acknowledging that their grandparents are also helping to raise them.
Of course my husband and I are also raising them, but no, we’re not doing it by ourselves. This is a team effort and there’s no shame involved.
I think the issue is the implication that if someone says their choice is:
SAH —> so I can raise my kids
this means the alternative is
Working —> I cannot raise my kids.
Because if you can still “raise your kids” while working then why would being able to raise your kids be a reason to SAH?
It’s totally stupid logic. SAH because you want to or because it works for your family or whatever. But unless you’re an absentee parent (e.g. a working parent who makes no effort to spend more than 10 min/day with their kid or an alcoholic SAHP who parks their kid in front of the iPad all day) you are raising your kids. Employment status is not the determinative factor and also there is a reason “working dad” isn’t a commonly used saying. Any SAHM who uses this “raising my own kids” phrasing is dealing with a lot of internalized misogyny and I feel bad for them.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?
It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.
It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?
Depends on age of child. A three year old -- yes. And infant -- not really. It's not *bad* for the infant as long as whoever they are with is also a loving and attentive caregiver. But no it is not bad for babies under age 1 to spend all their time with their parents and it's definitely superior to any situation in which they will be spending any signficant amount of time without 1:1 attention and contact.
A lot of SAHPs put kids in play groups or part-time preschool starting at age 2 or even 18 mo specifically to start helping them socialize and get through stuff like separation anxiety. But no if you tell someone "maybe it would be good for your 6 months old to spend some time away from you" you sound dumb. Again that doesn't mean a baby spending the day with a great nanny or a grandparent or at really good daycare with 1:1 ratios is getting substandard care -- they aren't. But the baby at home with the SAHP (assuming the SAHP is engaged and attentive) is also getting top level care from a developmental standpoint. It's ideal.
Anonymous wrote:I think the fundamental misunderstanding is that “raising your kids” doesn’t need to be either a compliment or a put-down. It’s just a neutral description, and you’re all bringing your own baggage to it.
My kids were in daycare full time, and every single one of their caregivers absolutely has had a hand in raising them. That’s where they learned how to use a toilet, how to eat with utensils, how to diffuse conflict with other kids, etc. It’s dishonest to pretend that the function of the daycare was just to keep them alive until my spouse and I could pick them up at 5:30 and start raising them that day.
Similarly, my children are lucky enough to have four living grandparents who spend significant time with them. I have no problem acknowledging that their grandparents are also helping to raise them.
Of course my husband and I are also raising them, but no, we’re not doing it by ourselves. This is a team effort and there’s no shame involved.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.
But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”
Literally been said to my face numerous times, during the times when it didn't work full time.
And also, BOTH statements have truth in them. I DO use my brain more when I work full time and there IS someone else raising your child when you outsource childcare.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.
But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”
Literally been said to my face numerous times, during the times when it didn't work full time.
And also, BOTH statements have truth in them. I DO use my brain more when I work full time and there IS someone else raising your child when you outsource childcare.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.
But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”
+1 it's a rude thing to say but I'd also roll my eyes at their myopic view
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?
It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.
It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.
But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.
All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.
But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.
I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.
But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.
I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.
I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.
Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.
But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?
It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.