Reply to husband as "junior partner" in childrearing

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree that the post upthread that talked about how pregnancy makes women dial it in was insightful. There's no comparable experience for men in the lead-up to parenthood. When men think about what being a father will involve, they tend to focus on (and freak out about) the mechanical aspects of it: how to change a diaper, how to hold the baby, etc. But things like that are easy, and after you do them a few times they become second nature. What's hard is changing your mindset: realizing that kids need stability and routine, realizing that certain things just need to be done, realizing that your life isn't about you anymore, learning to live more in the present and find satisfaction in small things. And there aren't a lot of resources to help men do this, nor does society tell them that it's something they need to do.

To be clear, I still think it's each individual man's responsibility to get his head in the game. Some men do it, so more ought to be able to. But there could be more of an effort made to give men the tools that they need to make the same mindset transition that women are able make thanks to biology.[/quote]

The thing is that I have seen men who make that transition and do what many women do by shifting their mindset in the way you mention, to prioritize the children and find pleasure and satisfaction in giving the kids what they need. But I'm not sure why some men do and others don't. I don't know what the magic sauce is there.

I have a husband who did not do this, and is maybe only now starting to (our child is in early elementary). It's been a tough road. And even now, his instinct is generally to make choices that satisfy his needs and only his needs, often completely disregarding how they will impact our kid (and me). From little things like demanding a certain restaurant for dinner on vacation even though our kid won't be able to eat anything there, to big things like wanting to live in a neighborhood with terrible schools because it's easier for his commute. I spend a lot of time going to bat with my own husband on behalf of our kid, and it's especially frustrating because if DH is advocating for himself and only himself, and I'm advocating for our kid, this means that often my preferences go wholly ignored by everyone, including me. It is a hard way to live and all I can say is that at least it's a little better than it was a few years ago.

But I know men who aren't like this, who take their kids into account in everything they do and prioritize them. I'm not in those marriages so I can't tell you whether their wives feel like these men are equal partners, but I can tell you that when I talk to them, they talk about their kids the way I think about my own kid, and not as an afterthought or even a competitor for resources, which is how my own DH often views our child.

And I don't know why. I would not have predicted this when I married my DH. The men who seem very invested, I would not have known they'd be like that before they had kids. Maybe there's some obvious tell I missed (and am still missing) but to me it was a surprise (and major disappointment) to discover that my DH could not/would not make that mental adjustment to thinking in terms of a family unit instead of just himself. And if you are wondering, yes he wanted kids and was enthusiastic about having them.[/quote]

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