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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.[/quote]
If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too[/quote]

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

[/quote]

Question: How many of us have you insulted and didn’t know this existed? I get SO sick of know it alls chiming in here[/quote]

None of these laws apply to OP's mother's situation.  [/quote]

If OP walks and sibs do nothing, state will come after all three. Best bet is to state her case to the caregivers at the assisted living facility and state she’s drowning and needs a break. They get that. The other sibs can’t be forced to help, but filial laws can force them to pay.[/quote]

No they won't. When someone has burnout there is the risk of turning abusive. The state will not force someone into a situation where they could become abusive. Have you ever dealt with any of the agencies to protect elders? Adult protective services is incredibly passive. My friend's mother was a danger to herself and to others, refusing care, and hallucinating and all they did was attempt to check on her now and then.

Filial piety laws only get used when residential facilities want money. [/quote]

This.  They don’t make you DO anything - just pay if you have money.  Literally I think boomers/martyrs just keep restating those laws to justify their actions.  Have her declared incompetent and put in a crap facility.  If she’s not incompetent she’s able to handle her own shit.

Drop the rope.  Don’t pick up the phone more than once every day.  And let the facility know that she will no longer go to any appointments at all that are nonessential.  Eye doctor, hearing aids, etc.  Maybe she will die sooner?

Sucks but this is your only option. People are living way too long, especially those without means to pay for and organize their own 24/7 care via third party.  The world is literally on fire - stop worrying about geriatric people who don’t even know where they are half the time.[/quote]

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