Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Whaaaaat??? The state will never force kids to pay for their parents elder care! Most of the country does not have adequate retirement funds. That's what Medicare and Medicaid are for. You really think there are armies of case workers and lawyers chasing down the children of seniors who ran out of money???

That link above states that basic needs must be met: food, home, medical, health, hygiene. All of these are covered by assisted living. In no way is putting a person in assisted living and then letting the facility do its job "abandonment."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided.

Not a troll. People who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand how taxing it is to be the point person. I don’t want to be the one who has the POA or health POA. I don’t want to find a care manager because then did potentially the next 10 years I am in charge of dealing with that person.

My neighbor gave me the best advice that I am going to follow. Be too busy to help out. Then it’s like a game of chicken. My mother is in an assisted living place but eventually will need a higher level of care. I am not going to be the one to figure out where she should go. I needed a plan to slow fade and the neighbors suggestion of going back to work full time is the answer I was looking for.

+1. I don’t think OP is a troll, having watched my mother get stuck as point person in this kind of scenario for many years. It is absolutely a game of chicken where whomever cares least wins, and the absent siblings in her case were utterly cynical about shirking any responsibility. And yes, “just set boundaries” is the correct answer, but that is far easier said than done in many cases. You have to be pretty cold to say “I’m not helping on this issue” when you’re a 10 minute drive away and no one else is anywhere close. There are no good answers in this situation.

Anonymous wrote:And I forgot to add I no longer want to take her to the numerous doctor, dentist, optometrist, hearing aide visits, lab visits etc.

Anonymous wrote:I am really annoyed that I am the only sibling that lives in the same city as my mother who lives in assisted living. Both my other siblings live over 8 hours by far away. So by default I am the one that constantly is called by my mother who is in an assisted living place, by the assisted living place, by doctors, etc.

I was the least favorite child and it was apparent to all my family members. It wasn’t that I had such an awful upbringing just that I was never close to my mother. In contrast my younger sister was extremely close and my mother favored and adored her. My brother was also favored.

I have been doing a lot of the grunt work while my siblings rarely visit- every other year. It feels like I am having to do more work every year with medical appointments, managing bills ((she has mild cognitive impairment that is progressing to dementia so I find unpaid bills in her apartment), etc.

I want to opt out but how? Any ideas to pull away from this situation. I want to be the one visiting every other year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided.

Not a troll. People who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand how taxing it is to be the point person. I don’t want to be the one who has the POA or health POA. I don’t want to find a care manager because then did potentially the next 10 years I am in charge of dealing with that person.

My neighbor gave me the best advice that I am going to follow. Be too busy to help out. Then it’s like a game of chicken. My mother is in an assisted living place but eventually will need a higher level of care. I am not going to be the one to figure out where she should go. I needed a plan to slow fade and the neighbors suggestion of going back to work full time is the answer I was looking for.

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your siblings won't help, you need to set your own limits and determine what you will outsource.

It's not that hard to hire a care manager or a visiting nurse who can both stop in to do checks and take your mom to appointments, plus write up an after-action report. If you're in the DMV, there are a ton of options and I can give you a recommendation for a visiting nurse service.

As far as bills, you're going to have to go in and set up automatic billing and electronic statements in an account you have access to. Yes, this is a lot of work up front but it is more set it and forget it, so don't complain that you're the only one who will do it and then keep on martyring yourself by not implementing a system that works for you.

We did this for my mom, who has mild cognitive decline but also (in hindsight) pretty severe ADHD, as she's been crap at dealing with paperwork and bills my entire life. We now have all her statements sent electronically to a gmail address (herfullnamestatements@gmail.com) that's solely for statements, as her regular email is worthless given how much junk mail she gets. All her bills are set up for autopay. It was a metric ton of work but it had to be done so that we weren't constantly having to go over there and dig out her accumulated paper pile to sort into junk and bills and then take care of them.

You need to have POAs stat before your mom goes too far downhill to sign them. Including durable health care POAs/healthcare proxies. You will be in a world of hurt if you don't. These are not hard -- you can find the right forms online for your state. It's simply a question of printing them out and filling them out. Among other things, you need to get your mom to agree to no extreme measures/do not rescusitate, or the trauma could get much, much, much worse if something happens like a heart attack or stroke.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the least favorite and moved far away on purpose. I think you should ask yourself if you are staying close out of obligation, like maybe some part of you thought if you stuck nearby, your family status would shift. I would definitely seriously consider moving. Do not consign yourself to potentially decades of thankless work due to default.

In both my family and my DH's family, we have siblings who stuck close by our parents. However in both cases, these siblings have been doted on and received way more assistance as adults than we'd have even thought to ask for -- free childcare and housing provided for years, in some cases decades, graduate school paid for, free meals, etc. These siblings chose not to create independent lives from our parents. We do feel that they should take on the heavy lifting for long-term care as a result, but it has to do with not just their proximity but the degree to which they have relied upon our parents for most of their adult lives.

I assume you are a gen Xer? Interesting rationale you have for assigning who should take care of aging parents.

I’m wondering how would this apply to people in younger generations (current 20 somethings) who tend to never move out of their parents house, even as adults and are basically still financially dependent on their parents in some way? Should they all take care of their parents when that time comes?

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t an away sibling manage all her bills. Everything can be automated these days. What other “grunt” work are you doing? Can it be outsourced and request that your siblings foot the bill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided.

Not a troll. People who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand how taxing it is to be the point person. I don’t want to be the one who has the POA or health POA. I don’t want to find a care manager because then did potentially the next 10 years I am in charge of dealing with that person.

My neighbor gave me the best advice that I am going to follow. Be too busy to help out. Then it’s like a game of chicken. My mother is in an assisted living place but eventually will need a higher level of care. I am not going to be the one to figure out where she should go. I needed a plan to slow fade and the neighbors suggestion of going back to work full time is the answer I was looking for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

Question: How many of us have you insulted and didn’t know this existed? I get SO sick of know it alls chiming in here

None of these laws apply to OP's mother's situation.

If OP walks and sibs do nothing, state will come after all three. Best bet is to state her case to the caregivers at the assisted living facility and state she’s drowning and needs a break. They get that. The other sibs can’t be forced to help, but filial laws can force them to pay.

Again. No. There are filial responsibility laws in some states, but they are not enforced, or rarely enforced. PA is the exception.

"One of the main reasons why filial responsibility laws are not widely enforced is due to the fact that in the context of needs-based government programs such as Medicaid, federal law has prohibited states from considering the financial responsibility of any person other than a spouse in determining whether an applicant is eligible. However, as many local programs aimed at helping the elderly continue to struggle with insolvency, many states may consider more aggressive enforcement of their filial responsibility laws.

Twenty-one states allow lawsuits to recover financial support. Parties who are allowed to bring such a lawsuit vary state by state. In some states, only the parents themselves can file a claim. In other states, the county, state public agencies or the parent’s creditors can file the lawsuit. In 12 states, criminal penalties may be imposed upon the adult children who fail to support their parents. Three states allow both civil and criminal penalties.

In some states, children are excused from their filial responsibility if they don’t have enough income to help out, or if they were abandoned as children by the parent. However, the abandonment defense can be difficult to prove, especially if the parent had a good reason to abandon the child, like serious financial difficulties. Sometimes, children’s filial responsibility can be reduced if prior bad behavior on the part of the parent can be proven."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

Question: How many of us have you insulted and didn’t know this existed? I get SO sick of know it alls chiming in here

None of these laws apply to OP's mother's situation.

If OP walks and sibs do nothing, state will come after all three. Best bet is to state her case to the caregivers at the assisted living facility and state she’s drowning and needs a break. They get that. The other sibs can’t be forced to help, but filial laws can force them to pay.

No they won't. When someone has burnout there is the risk of turning abusive. The state will not force someone into a situation where they could become abusive. Have you ever dealt with any of the agencies to protect elders? Adult protective services is incredibly passive. My friend's mother was a danger to herself and to others, refusing care, and hallucinating and all they did was attempt to check on her now and then.

Filial piety laws only get used when residential facilities want money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

Question: How many of us have you insulted and didn’t know this existed? I get SO sick of know it alls chiming in here

None of these laws apply to OP's mother's situation.

If OP walks and sibs do nothing, state will come after all three. Best bet is to state her case to the caregivers at the assisted living facility and state she’s drowning and needs a break. They get that. The other sibs can’t be forced to help, but filial laws can force them to pay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.