Reply to DH (WH) about to be hospitalized for suicide ideation- what do I need to know?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Can’t believe all the people suggesting DH is emotionally manipulating her - if he has really recognized how bad he screwed up and internalized it, he is probably mired in shame and suffering cognitive dissonance between how he sees himself/wants to see himself and what he did.  Suicidal ideation under those circumstances is not shocking.[/quote]

It’s this cognitive dissonance that PPs with experience in mental health crises and cheating are trying to say forms the basis of manipulation.

In cheating, the sexual behavior is hidden because the WH is engaging to meet an immediate need while lying to the victim spouse in order to manipulate her in to staying in the relationship in order to maintain the appearance of a “good guy” - whether that’s good husband, good father, popular person, whatever.   As long as the WH can keep everything secret, he is able to maintain the cognitive dissonance.

BUT, when the cheating is revealed, the cognitive dissonance is in the open - WH thinks of himself as “good guy” but he is caught doing bad things and understands (or worries) that many people now see him as a “bad guy”.

Because these people are so fixated on having a positive public persona, they are unable to accept real responsibility and do the work to reconceptualize themselves as a less than perfect person who did something wrong and is try to be accountable and repair relationships.

While it’s true that being caught in a way that reveals the two dissonant faces (good guy/bad guy), what often happens is the WH refuses to face and integrate these two faces and instead engages in various behaviors that are designed to keep the victim spouse in any kind of relationship - because they see that as the only way to maintain the positive public persona (I did something bad but not so bad that she left or I did something but I’ve fixed it and I’m a good guy again and that’s why she’s staying). The attempts to maintain the good face could be continuing to lie, engaging in suicidal talk that is conveyed to the partner in a way that makes her responsible for his health and well-being, (“doing X makes em think about suicide”), promising change (but enacting it), self-flagellating so as to prompt partner to say it wasn’t that bad or he is forgiven.)

It is a misunderstanding to say that PPs are accusing OP’s WH of not actually being depressed or suicidal.  OP absolutely can be depressed or suicidal AND also be engaging in a way that seeks to manipulate her into staying or supporting him.  The point is that OP cannot react to her WH’s depression and suicidality by being responsible for his health or safety. Her job is to protect herself and the kids.  Yes, she can help the WH see the pdoc or therapist. Yes, she can remove guns, knives, etc. so as to make self harm or harm to others more difficult.  Yes, she can ask for social support from WH’s family, work and friends, but she must never hide the depression and suicidality or be responsible for fixing it ( because of course she has no knowledge or expertise to do so.)

Every threat or talk of suicide should be reported immediately to therapist or pdoc or person should be taken to the ER, the latter depending upon whether the person has engaged in suicidal ideation that includes a plan of how to suicide.

OP, for now, I would stop the relationship talk - whether alone or in therapy.  It’s time to step back and let WH’s behavior speak for him.  Is he hearing you say his depression and suicidal talk means he needs to go to pdoc and therapist and follow recommendations.  Is he taking those steps (initially with guidance support for you and increasingly independently)?

I sincerely advise you to do a 180 and focus on building your and kids’ life.  Improve career, increase earning power, increase your network and your kid’s network of support, focus on finances (have or make your own accounts, cut budget, increase savings, have copies of all joint savings, debt, equity, etc). It is clear that, possibility of divorce aside, you can no longer be in a position to not support yourself and the kids adequately. 
[/quote]

+1 this is very well articulated. A lot of us are saying that where the mental health crisis stems from the discovery of cheating, it's not the spouse's responsibility to play this caregiver role.

Here OP has kids so it's more complicated than just saying "you deal with your own BS and this bed you made." But OP absolutely needs to put the kids and herself first, and figure out what makes the most sense under that paradigm.[/quote]

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