Anonymous wrote:Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

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Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

The phrase you're looking for is "closed-hearted". And people who show up uninvited are selfish, oblivious, pushy, thoughtless, and unkind. If their hearts were truly open, they would be open to the idea that other people have different customs and preferences and other people should be respected, especially in their own homes. But nope. Hearts are closed to that idea. Yaaaaaaay, faaaaaaaamily! Oh what a merry Christmas it is when people randomly show up even though they aren't wanted. The best gift of all is unwanted houseguests when you are already busy hosting the people you actually did invite.

This kind of behavior is exactly why boundaries exist and are a good thing. Boundaries and etiquette help us all get along. People need a little space from each other. Now that the ILs have thoroughly annoyed OP's parents and showed their lack of etiquette and consideration, they're much less likely to be invited every again.

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Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your parents share Christmas. What is the big deal.
Seems immature to me. We never say no to anyone who wants to join us for big occasions. It has not been an issue.

Because sharing with normal people is one thing, sharing with pushy boundary-crashers is another. Who knows what other selfish ideas they'll think up and what other occasions they'll butt into. Some people like a little privacy-- some people even think it's polite to give other people privacy and not show up uninvited. Imagine that.

And sometimes older people just aren't up to hosting large groups in their home. It's nothing personal. As we get older we simply don't have as much energy and these things become a challenge. Just because you can manage it in your 30s-50s doesn't make it okay to dump surprise guests on people in their 70s and 80s.

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Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

They’ve never invited them! How do you disinvite someone you didn’t invite who just showed up?

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Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “DISINVITING” ANYONE WHO IS NOT INVITED; DO YOU GET IT?

If I crashed your wedding and you asked me to leave, did you “disinvite” me?!

Of course I did.

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Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

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Anonymous wrote:My parents would have been like your parents OP: would have graciously dealt with iLs but their joy would have been sucked out - and mine too as I know they were being imposed on by your ILs crashing. Have DH proactively say - ‘we’re spending Christmas w/Jane’s family this year. Lets find a weekend before or after that trip to celebrate with you.’ IF they suggest traveling there again he has to be firm over and over again if needed. It is an intrusion and just because they’re disappointed doesn’t mean they’re right.

This is the correct answer.

Op - yes last time they came I think my family dealt with it but their feeling is that it was non optimum.
Basically in laws feel like others on this thread do that everyone and their dog should be welcome on xmas.
Parents feel like they want alone time with us and we should swap off years.
I don’t really care either way - hosting the in laws where my parents will be is kind of a hassle. Christmas in general is kind of a hassle. All the hosting and expectations and work - eh. But we don’t have that choice bc I am not the grinch and kids still young

You don’t care either way, but what does your husband want?

If he feels strongly that he wants his parents included every year, then our advice to you will differ than in the case where he wants your parents’ wishes to be upheld.

Why would DH’s wishes supersede anyone else’s? Odd years, they travel to OP’s family. Even years, they travel to DH’s family. It’s clear, it’s fair.

Who said supercede? OP and her husband are a team, and not everyone decides as a team to alternate years. They need to come up with a plan together and it might look different than alternate years. Maybe they decide to host and invite both parents yearly. Maybe they decide to avoid the issue completely and vacation away from both in laws each year. Who knows. But no, OP’s parents aren’t the sole deciders of how they share their holidays.

DH sounds like a pansy that can’t sack up and have an awkward conversation with his parents. Who cares if he thinks it’s normal that his parents show up uninvited? OP and her parents don’t want that.
It’s reasonable, when people don’t agree on what to do WRT the holidays, each side gets a year.

Alternate sides is a great solution but it’s not the only one, and it’s a decision OP and her husband should make together. There are other options, including not celebrating Christmas with either set of parents, or hosting and inviting one or the other, or hosting and inviting both.

OP would like to see her parents at christmas and does not want the IL’s there. That is completely reasonable. She is fine with every other year. What is so hard about that concept that you are dying on this hill?

Actually I thought OP did not care. And she is only disinviting her in-laws because that is what her parents want.

If it is what her parents want, then itnus entirely on her parents to disinvite the inlaws, certainly not the husband's job to disinvite his own parents to someone else's house.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “DISINVITING” ANYONE WHO IS NOT INVITED; DO YOU GET IT?

If I crashed your wedding and you asked me to leave, did you “disinvite” me?!

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Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

No. Showing up is not close hearted. Listen you want to have Christmas with your own family and only your family. Cool, that’s totally fine as I said. No crime or any of the other wildly exaggerated statements. But you don’t get to say you are open heart or inclusive or any of that- because you, by definition, are excluding and closing off. Seems like the descriptor bothers you more than the action.

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Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

You don't see anything closed-hearted about intruding on other people when you're not really invited? Come on. It's obnoxious. And the ILs (and you) need to see that this kind of entitled attitude and pushy behavior is ***exactly why*** people don't invite them.

Anonymous wrote:Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your parents share Christmas. What is the big deal.
Seems immature to me. We never say no to anyone who wants to join us for big occasions. It has not been an issue.

Anonymous wrote:Op - they basically said we know you’re going to be in x state and so we’ve arranged to go on vaca from there after Xmas so we can come join you for Xmas and the day after.
I feel like I’m gonna have to talk to my parents and say we just need to suck it up that they join. It feels too mean to say you can’t come. My feeling is they shouldn’t expect to come - but clearly they do so given that fact I think we prob just need to accept it

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Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.

No one said it was a crime. But it is close hearted.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just share Christmas. It isn’t a big deal. They can have a solo weekend any other time they want. Families like to be together and it seems cruel to tell one set of parents they aren’t welcome. Like, why???

Because it's a strain on the other parents. Some people don't like hosting large groups. It's very, very rude to show up unexpectedly on a holiday and it indicates that the ILs are likely oblivious boundary-tramplers and unpleasant to be around. OP's parents want to focus on their grandkids, not host people they barely know and don't really like. That is why.

From OP's description, her parents don't attend Christmas at her house because the ILs are present. Some people just have a stingy spirit. Just the way it is.

Stingy is a gross way to describe OP’s parents. My parents prefer not to spend time with my IL’s because they are nosy, gossipy, and cheap. It’s not unreasonable for OP’s parents to not want to spend time with the IL’s (who lack social graces and wormed their way into the holiday festivities once year).

OP, who has been back a few times, has not described her in-laws in this way. She has described them as "huge Christmas people and they love sharing it with us and the kids." So yes, in comparison to her in-laws, OP's parents have a stingy Christmas spirit.

The IL's being described like that *doesn't* make the OP's parents stingy...

They do not want to celebrate in their own daughter's home because the ILs are there.

That doesn't make them stingy. People have different values and different relationships with their kids. It's not a crime that OP's parents want to celebrate one way and the ILs want to celebrate another way.