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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that  it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out.  There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work. [/quote]

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.[/quote]

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

[/quote]

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.[/quote]

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals. [/quote]

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.[/quote]

Okay, then you’ll have to be willing to make changes and do some hard work. It is work, it’s not easy, but it can be rewarding. And it’s definitely not worse than what you have going now, where you’re miserable and fixating on food knowing that’s a symptom rather than the disease. It feels scary because it’s new. Start shifting away from this nonsense of you working full time and doing all the cooking and all the childcare. That’s unfair. It might mean eating out more, or ordering delivery, or having a sitter. You can’t make your husband do these things, especially if you agreed to those roles, but you can start lightening your load. Then you’ll have some time to find ways to meet people. [/quote]

Agree.  OP, you've taken the first small step, admitting you want to try to find a way to be happy in the life that you did not choose or expect.

The second step, which is harder, is to come to terms that YOU are the one that needs to do the work to make yourself happy.  You are placing the emphasis that other people are not helping you, your therapist, your spouse, your non-existant friends.  But, all they can do is help you help yourself.  Until you are ready to put in the work to bring yourself out of your depression and loneliness, it isn't going to happen.  Other people can give you the opportunities, other people can facilitate what you need, but ultimately, you have to to do the work.  So, until you are ready to put in the work to improve your situation, nothing anyone does will help.

First, you have to work with your therapist.  If what they are providing you is not helping you defeat your depression and anxiety, then you need to find a new therapist that does work for you.   The talk therapy and/or medications should, at a minimum, bring up your mood to the point that you feel that you can work to accomplish your goals.  If you still feel that you are helpless to change your situation, then the therapy and medications are not doing the job.  Not every therapist is right for every patient and it is work to find the person who can best provide solutions that make you feel like you can get yourself out of the hole and at least start working towards making yourself feel better.

Second, you have to be willing to work on solving your loneliness.  You have to be willing to talk about things that interest you.  Even if your husband were to accede to your requests to go out for meals, the fact is that it will not feel that much better because you don't interact in a way that interests you.  You've said that when you talk with your spouse, he talks about his day, his work, his coworkers, his interests and you don't talk about anything that interests you.  You basically listen to him.  You feel that he is not interested in you.  But he has to give you the same respect that you give him.  You listen to the things he says about his work, his day, his coworkers.  Then he listens to what you say about your work, what's happened to you, even what books you've read or articles you've read.  But the conversation has to be of some interest to you or the only difference will be that you are out in a restaurant instead of sitting in your kitchen eating.  Yes, you will have eaten a meal you didn't cook, but that alone is not going to be enough to ease your loneliness or solve your issues.  In our marriage, we both have to listen to talk about our coworkers and our work.  I telework and go into the office 2-3 times a week, but I go in different days from my coworkers (we stagger to try and provide as much coverage as possible so only infrequently actually overlap).  My wife teleworks full time and her team is spread around the country so she never sees her coworkers, but she talks to them daily via Skype.  So neither of us sees a lot of people, but we interact with coworkers and we talk to them and we tell each other about them.   It's a two way street, we both have to talk and we both have to listen about each other's day and work.

Third, you need to find things that interest you to start pulling yourself out of your loneliness.  It starts by figuring out what type of activity would interest you, would help you get out and meet people and would solve your loneliness.  If you read books, go to meetup.come and look for book clubs in your area.  Stop by the library and see if there are any book clubs that meet there or are advertised on bulletin boards.  If you have other interests, look for groups that are on Facebook with your town name in it and see if they have times they get together and you could join.  In the town that I live in, there is a Anytown Take-Out Dining group on Facebook.  People post about restaurants they've tried, good reviews, bad reviews, etc.  Once a month or so they pick a restaurant and everyone goes for happy hour or just for dinner.  In the chat, you can learn a little about the personalities and then you can go to one of the monthly dine-outs and join and meet the people you've been reading virtually.  Start by figuring out what interests you, then look for groups local to you (there are several resources on-line that help to find people with similar interests in your location) and then go out and join them for get-togethers.  The icebreaker is that you can use the joint activity to have something to talk about, that helps ease meeting and talking to others.

The key to all of this is that you have to be willing to place an emphasis on yourself and improving your situation.  You can't just leave it to others to fix.  Other people will help and facilitate, but you have to do the work to improve your situation.  Until you are ready to commit to making those changes for yourself and valuing yourself enough to put in the work, all of the rest, including meals out with your spouse are just lipstick on a pig.  [/quote]

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