Anonymous wrote:^^Also, be honest with yourself. Often people with this pattern get this way because it serves them on some level. They like being the one who doesn’t make the decisions. They like avoiding conflict, which they lack the tools to move through. They like being the helper and being needed by others. The position of victim allows them to be passive and point fingers at someone else when things go wrong, instead of taking responsibility for setting up a better situation.

If he’s really blocked when it comes to acknowledging your needs you still have choices. Divorce is one of them. Letting him know you are serious to the point of contemplating that could change what he sees as his options.

Sorry, this was a follow up to 11:30

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.

Okay, then you’ll have to be willing to make changes and do some hard work. It is work, it’s not easy, but it can be rewarding. And it’s definitely not worse than what you have going now, where you’re miserable and fixating on food knowing that’s a symptom rather than the disease. It feels scary because it’s new. Start shifting away from this nonsense of you working full time and doing all the cooking and all the childcare. That’s unfair. It might mean eating out more, or ordering delivery, or having a sitter. You can’t make your husband do these things, especially if you agreed to those roles, but you can start lightening your load. Then you’ll have some time to find ways to meet people.

Agree. OP, you've taken the first small step, admitting you want to try to find a way to be happy in the life that you did not choose or expect.

The second step, which is harder, is to come to terms that YOU are the one that needs to do the work to make yourself happy. You are placing the emphasis that other people are not helping you, your therapist, your spouse, your non-existant friends. But, all they can do is help you help yourself. Until you are ready to put in the work to bring yourself out of your depression and loneliness, it isn't going to happen. Other people can give you the opportunities, other people can facilitate what you need, but ultimately, you have to to do the work. So, until you are ready to put in the work to improve your situation, nothing anyone does will help.

First, you have to work with your therapist. If what they are providing you is not helping you defeat your depression and anxiety, then you need to find a new therapist that does work for you. The talk therapy and/or medications should, at a minimum, bring up your mood to the point that you feel that you can work to accomplish your goals. If you still feel that you are helpless to change your situation, then the therapy and medications are not doing the job. Not every therapist is right for every patient and it is work to find the person who can best provide solutions that make you feel like you can get yourself out of the hole and at least start working towards making yourself feel better.

Second, you have to be willing to work on solving your loneliness. You have to be willing to talk about things that interest you. Even if your husband were to accede to your requests to go out for meals, the fact is that it will not feel that much better because you don't interact in a way that interests you. You've said that when you talk with your spouse, he talks about his day, his work, his coworkers, his interests and you don't talk about anything that interests you. You basically listen to him. You feel that he is not interested in you. But he has to give you the same respect that you give him. You listen to the things he says about his work, his day, his coworkers. Then he listens to what you say about your work, what's happened to you, even what books you've read or articles you've read. But the conversation has to be of some interest to you or the only difference will be that you are out in a restaurant instead of sitting in your kitchen eating. Yes, you will have eaten a meal you didn't cook, but that alone is not going to be enough to ease your loneliness or solve your issues. In our marriage, we both have to listen to talk about our coworkers and our work. I telework and go into the office 2-3 times a week, but I go in different days from my coworkers (we stagger to try and provide as much coverage as possible so only infrequently actually overlap). My wife teleworks full time and her team is spread around the country so she never sees her coworkers, but she talks to them daily via Skype. So neither of us sees a lot of people, but we interact with coworkers and we talk to them and we tell each other about them. It's a two way street, we both have to talk and we both have to listen about each other's day and work.

Third, you need to find things that interest you to start pulling yourself out of your loneliness. It starts by figuring out what type of activity would interest you, would help you get out and meet people and would solve your loneliness. If you read books, go to meetup.come and look for book clubs in your area. Stop by the library and see if there are any book clubs that meet there or are advertised on bulletin boards. If you have other interests, look for groups that are on Facebook with your town name in it and see if they have times they get together and you could join. In the town that I live in, there is a Anytown Take-Out Dining group on Facebook. People post about restaurants they've tried, good reviews, bad reviews, etc. Once a month or so they pick a restaurant and everyone goes for happy hour or just for dinner. In the chat, you can learn a little about the personalities and then you can go to one of the monthly dine-outs and join and meet the people you've been reading virtually. Start by figuring out what interests you, then look for groups local to you (there are several resources on-line that help to find people with similar interests in your location) and then go out and join them for get-togethers. The icebreaker is that you can use the joint activity to have something to talk about, that helps ease meeting and talking to others.

The key to all of this is that you have to be willing to place an emphasis on yourself and improving your situation. You can't just leave it to others to fix. Other people will help and facilitate, but you have to do the work to improve your situation. Until you are ready to commit to making those changes for yourself and valuing yourself enough to put in the work, all of the rest, including meals out with your spouse are just lipstick on a pig.

^^Also, be honest with yourself. Often people with this pattern get this way because it serves them on some level. They like being the one who doesn’t make the decisions. They like avoiding conflict, which they lack the tools to move through. They like being the helper and being needed by others. The position of victim allows them to be passive and point fingers at someone else when things go wrong, instead of taking responsibility for setting up a better situation.

If he’s really blocked when it comes to acknowledging your needs you still have choices. Divorce is one of them. Letting him know you are serious to the point of contemplating that could change what he sees as his options.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any local friends (again, trailing spouse who works at home).

It's not a cost of doing business for him. People DO brown bag. He just goes around the office and finds the ones who haven't that day or decide going out is a better option than what he brought. I know because I've run into some of them at events (military) and they joke about it.

So...make some friends? What is this -- you're first day at kindergarten and you don't know how to make friends??

In any case, this sounds like a money issue, in that he's spending money and you're not, and you resent that. Just start buying your own lunches. Buy dinner as well. Tell him to make lunch/dinner if he wants to start saving money.

Why do you describe yourself as a "trailing spouse"? You don't have to trail if you don't want to? Next time he has to move, you can just stay where you are, especially if you work from home anyway. Get your own identity that doesn't depend on him.

Tell me you don't value marriage without telling me you don't value marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry this guy? Were you not thinking straight? or Did you marry for money?

I loved him and had no idea it would be as isolating as it is.

You guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Preferably with a counselor. You need to really speak up for yourself. You have a pattern of putting other people first and hoping they’ll return the favor. That’s not how this works.

He needs to know that this lifestyle makes you miserable. Together, you need to sort out another option. It could mean that he resigns/retires and looks for work near DC so you have a community. It makes sense that after a period of prioritizing his career/needs, there is going to be a period of prioritizing your needs. Otherwise the relationship will be imbalanced and full of resentment.

Ditto for the cooking and childcare. You’re doing it all and unhappy with your role, but you need to SPEAK UP. This isn’t working for me. I need you to X & Y so I can have some time to make friends and take care of myself. I’m not doing well with these frequent moves. I didn’t realize how isolating it would be. Etc. SPEAK UP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any local friends (again, trailing spouse who works at home).

It's not a cost of doing business for him. People DO brown bag. He just goes around the office and finds the ones who haven't that day or decide going out is a better option than what he brought. I know because I've run into some of them at events (military) and they joke about it.

So...make some friends? What is this -- you're first day at kindergarten and you don't know how to make friends??

In any case, this sounds like a money issue, in that he's spending money and you're not, and you resent that. Just start buying your own lunches. Buy dinner as well. Tell him to make lunch/dinner if he wants to start saving money.

Why do you describe yourself as a "trailing spouse"? You don't have to trail if you don't want to? Next time he has to move, you can just stay where you are, especially if you work from home anyway. Get your own identity that doesn't depend on him.

Anonymous wrote:You should go out for lunch if you want to. Go solo if you don't know anybody. Getting out of the office is a nice way to break up the day.

make more friends.. join a hiking group or some group.. and then go out with your friends.

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any local friends (again, trailing spouse who works at home).

It's not a cost of doing business for him. People DO brown bag. He just goes around the office and finds the ones who haven't that day or decide going out is a better option than what he brought. I know because I've run into some of them at events (military) and they joke about it.

So...make some friends? What is this -- you're first day at kindergarten and you don't know how to make friends??

In any case, this sounds like a money issue, in that he's spending money and you're not, and you resent that. Just start buying your own lunches. Buy dinner as well. Tell him to make lunch/dinner if he wants to start saving money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.

I think you need some support and you aren’t getting it. Please try again with a new therapist who focuses on CBT or similar to help you break patterns of letting people walk all over you. Start small in the mean time. For me, going out is about having a reason to leave the house. I also hate working from home (my job has become fully remote since the pandemic and is quite intense so yes, I sit in front of the computer all day. HATE it. Take your kids and go out to dinner because not wanting to cook is valid. Wanting to leave the house is valid. Your feelings are valid and important. I hope this doesn’t happen but if your husband gives you a hard time about it while he is going out to eat for lunch every single day you should probably just divorce him.

I block my calendar two days a week to take a longer lunch an exercise during that time. I mostly run but at least I’m out of the house. I make up the time at night, or don’t worry about it if I’m over my hours the other 3 days. Can you do one day? Bonus points if you can go to a class of some sort. One of my friends met her BFF at barre class. You have to put yourself out there but even just smiling and saying hi to people is something.

I am hopeful for you OP. I think you can make things better for yourself and I really hope your husband is supportive. If he isn’t it is on him; your feelings still matter.

Thank you. This is helpful

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.

Okay, then you’ll have to be willing to make changes and do some hard work. It is work, it’s not easy, but it can be rewarding. And it’s definitely not worse than what you have going now, where you’re miserable and fixating on food knowing that’s a symptom rather than the disease. It feels scary because it’s new. Start shifting away from this nonsense of you working full time and doing all the cooking and all the childcare. That’s unfair. It might mean eating out more, or ordering delivery, or having a sitter. You can’t make your husband do these things, especially if you agreed to those roles, but you can start lightening your load. Then you’ll have some time to find ways to meet people.

We actually did shift from scratch cooking to Blue Apron about five years ago, hoping that would make a difference. It helped some, but not enough. So maybe I need to push the process back a bit and let someone else do the cooking, too. Good call.

Mine too but he gets all his meals expensed. He's also 40 lbs. overweight and I'm thin, so maybe eating leftovers is not that bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.

I think you need some support and you aren’t getting it. Please try again with a new therapist who focuses on CBT or similar to help you break patterns of letting people walk all over you. Start small in the mean time. For me, going out is about having a reason to leave the house. I also hate working from home (my job has become fully remote since the pandemic and is quite intense so yes, I sit in front of the computer all day. HATE it. Take your kids and go out to dinner because not wanting to cook is valid. Wanting to leave the house is valid. Your feelings are valid and important. I hope this doesn’t happen but if your husband gives you a hard time about it while he is going out to eat for lunch every single day you should probably just divorce him.

I block my calendar two days a week to take a longer lunch an exercise during that time. I mostly run but at least I’m out of the house. I make up the time at night, or don’t worry about it if I’m over my hours the other 3 days. Can you do one day? Bonus points if you can go to a class of some sort. One of my friends met her BFF at barre class. You have to put yourself out there but even just smiling and saying hi to people is something.

I am hopeful for you OP. I think you can make things better for yourself and I really hope your husband is supportive. If he isn’t it is on him; your feelings still matter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry this guy? Were you not thinking straight? or Did you marry for money?

I loved him and had no idea it would be as isolating as it is.

I did the same thing. I thought it would be exciting, moving around, meeting new people, living in new places. It’s really hard though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.

Okay, then you’ll have to be willing to make changes and do some hard work. It is work, it’s not easy, but it can be rewarding. And it’s definitely not worse than what you have going now, where you’re miserable and fixating on food knowing that’s a symptom rather than the disease. It feels scary because it’s new. Start shifting away from this nonsense of you working full time and doing all the cooking and all the childcare. That’s unfair. It might mean eating out more, or ordering delivery, or having a sitter. You can’t make your husband do these things, especially if you agreed to those roles, but you can start lightening your load. Then you’ll have some time to find ways to meet people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.

It sounds like it’s going to be hard to be happy the way things are, so you have to change things. Personally I’d start with a different job and/or a divorce.

I've been looking for a new job for years, but we've gone from one crappy town to the next. Divorce wouldn't help, because I'm still be stuck here because of the kids.