Reply to Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

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Reply to "Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs.  Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL?  Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything?  My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab.  Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?[/quote]

Of course it’s realistic to expect adults to pay their own way, but if they are paying, then they get equal share in planning of the trip. The problem with a lot of the stories posted is that certain family members are choosing the destination, lodging, dates, etc. and then expecting others to burn up their discretionary travel money and time off work to make this vision come to fruition.

FWIW, DH and I do vacation with my parents once every year or two (sometimes at a vacation home and sometimes just traveling to go visit them since they have spare bedrooms and live near a beach). There is never any expectation that the plans all resolve around them and they don’t take credit for “gifting” us something that we are contributing to as well.

The discussion usually goes along the lines of my parents saying they’d love to book some time to see us and the kids over the summer. They ask about our work and the kids’ camp schedules. We offer up some dates that might work (they’re retired so more flexible than us). We throw out our needs (e.g. when kids were really small and car seats/pack n plays, etc. were an issue we said we’d prefer something within a 5 hour driving distance from us vs. flying). We all then threw out ideas — beach towns vs. mountain houses vs. condo in NYC. There have been occasions where they’ve paid our airfare (when we felt up for flying with kids) because it wasn’t in the budget. It was a generous no-strings attached offer and not a demand.

If you want to plan a vacation with your children and their future families then you either need to offer to pay most everything as a gift that they are free to decline or you need to co-plan it with them as adults. [/quote]

Exactly.  My parents can't afford to fly everyone around, so they tend to coordinate a rental within driving distance for everyone (except me, who moved far away).  I come a lot of the time, but it is not "mandatory" meaning no guilt trips if I can't go.  They coordinate dates/locations/details with those who are attending.  My in laws are similar.  My sister's MIL/FIL can afford to fly people places, so my sister goes on vacation with them to a variety of destinations, and that is fine too.  Still have to coordinate people's vacation time.  No one presents this as a gift to the family, though if the parents pay for lodging everyone says thank you and is appreciative and contributes for food and other stuff.

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