Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you're talking in extremes

Agree with this.

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Above PP - yes! Let’s be friends!

Horrible experience with a neighborhood friend group-all moms. A closer friend and I who had avoided joined in a specific interest but larger group of moms.

Right away, it felt like middle school with this larger group of moms all vying for my friend’s attention and approval (my friend was kind of a local celebrity at the time)...and I was the outcast: not as socially connected, just average.

My friend ditched me and quickly became almost partnered with this new friend; each posting updates of lunches, fundraisers, outings, family vacations. I’ve never seen anything like this before...I stepped away, quit the group, took a new job...moved on but lesson learned: no friend groups.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

That's great. But I had the opposite experience. A new friend appeared who didn't like *me*. She was rude to me all the time, putting down where I went to college and saying unkind things about my clothes and appearance. And yet, my other friends all liked her and "saw value" in her. And I was viewed as the bad one for not wanting to be around this person who made me feel terrible.

So it's great you found a loyal, supportive friend. But it doesn't always work that way, and sometimes you other friends like someone because they fail to see her they way you do (in my case, this woman just had an issue with me and was really nice to everyone else -- I will never know why).

Anyway, my point is that it's more complex and that the idea that "Oh, everyone else likes her, why don't you?" overlooks the fact that people have different experiences with one another and there may very well be a good reason why someone doesn't' like the new friend. But no one cared why I didn't like the new friend which is why all of those women are now my former friends and I don't do "friend groups" anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Especially because these other people who you like and respect see value in her. My friend group has expanded over time and there was a period where I had friction with a new friend. Over the years we’ve become close. Yes, she still annoys me about certain things (and I her I am sure). But she is also fiercely loyal, supportive and an incredible stand up person and I’m glad she is my friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

+1 Also... maybe *try* to like her? I mean.... you can *learn* to like people that rub you the wrong way at first.

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a not decent human. Number 3 is the only option.

Anonymous wrote:OP Please grow up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

DP, and I agree. I would never feel comfortable in a friend group with someone I actively disliked who I knew actively disliked me. People can be really cruel. I would never be able to be vulnerable in front of someone like that, which means I'd never feel comfortable being vulnerable around our other friends if she was present. And to me, that's sort of the point of friendships.

I think it's just different approaches to friendship though. I sense that a lot of people on this thread mostly just want a friend group so they have something to do. They like socializing, going out, getting invited places. If they don't like everyone, no big deal, because it's more about socializing on a superficial level than about connecting on a deeper level. So for the PP, it might not feel strange to spend so much time around someone she actively dislikes because she doesn't get deep with any of those people anyway. So no vulnerability, no risk.

I am someone who doesn't really need that much socializing. I like spending time alone or with my family. But I crave friendship because I like connecting with people. I'd rather have one or two friends that I can really talk to about my feelings and my life, and who will trust me enough to share those things with me, than a million happy hour invites and lots of people to show up to a party I throw. I'm not criticizing it, I just know it's not for me.

Nooooo, “going deep” is not the point of all friendships.

I go deep with my core, small, trusted group.

But I also have neighborhood friends and daycare mom friends and volunteer group friends. These are all nice groups to have. But the point of those friendships, for me, is not the deep stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

DP, and I agree. I would never feel comfortable in a friend group with someone I actively disliked who I knew actively disliked me. People can be really cruel. I would never be able to be vulnerable in front of someone like that, which means I'd never feel comfortable being vulnerable around our other friends if she was present. And to me, that's sort of the point of friendships.

I think it's just different approaches to friendship though. I sense that a lot of people on this thread mostly just want a friend group so they have something to do. They like socializing, going out, getting invited places. If they don't like everyone, no big deal, because it's more about socializing on a superficial level than about connecting on a deeper level. So for the PP, it might not feel strange to spend so much time around someone she actively dislikes because she doesn't get deep with any of those people anyway. So no vulnerability, no risk.

I am someone who doesn't really need that much socializing. I like spending time alone or with my family. But I crave friendship because I like connecting with people. I'd rather have one or two friends that I can really talk to about my feelings and my life, and who will trust me enough to share those things with me, than a million happy hour invites and lots of people to show up to a party I throw. I'm not criticizing it, I just know it's not for me.

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.

PP, this interests me. Question for pp, how is it you feel comfortable sharing in this group when you don't like someone is this group? Do you trust them even if you don't like them? Do you trust that they won't share something you say, in this smaller group environment, with others outside the group and purposely not represent you correctly? Another PP mentioned some women do not prefer group dynamics. I know I'm asking the previous questions because I'm that way. I have close, individual, varied friends. I've been a member of social groups, but to be honest, I'm usually doing so to find someone I might be compatible with for a close individual friendship.

I’ve been in this situation. Friend group from college that’s still very close. Started out as 10-12 people, with folks getting married (and thus the addition of spouses) it’s at more like 16 now (some married each other, some faded from the group over the years). Generally, my closest friends in the group knew I wasn’t a fan of Larla, but it’s not like I was just walking up to people and saying “Larla’s the worst”. Larla also knew I wasn’t a fan, and the feeling was mutual. So it’s not a source of drama and lots of discussion but it also isn’t a secret. I always include her in stuff because she is part of the group and she does the same for me (we were at each other’s weddings). There’s no need to be exclusionary, and the group dynamics are really wonderful. We can have a conversation, but generally we’re sitting next to other people whose company we prefer. I’m always friendly and kind to her, but I wouldn’t say it’s an act, it’s just being an adult. We, essentially, have tons of people we adore in common, and so we treat each other with respect and kindness.

No secrets, no drama, no acting. It works.