Reply to DH cheated on me, and it would've been easier to be a widow

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "DH cheated on me, and it would've been easier to be a widow"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and [b]believes his actions were out of his control[/b]).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died.  But he's as good as dead to me, right?  Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant.  It just sucks.[/quote]

I'd love to hear more about this ...[/quote]

OP here.  DH has been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, and he's blaming his cheating on the hypersexuality that can come with mania.  And that may be true, but there weren't any other signs of mania and his cheating involved three men over three years (at least that's what he's told me), so I'm no longer able to rationalize his behavior.  He had enough opportunities to put a stop to it or seek help when he wasn't in mania.  (If he ever was in mania.  Again, I saw no signs.)

He's not gay.  No one would suspect he's gay.  I've done a lot of reading recently and have learned about people who identify somewhere between straight and bi.  He's not fully bi -- doesn't want a relationship with a man, doesn't feel attraction to men, doesn't watch any gay porn, etc.  But he's not opposed to another penis being present as long as he's having an orgasm.  Doesn't mind "dabbling."  I've found whole books written on the subject of straight men seeking straight men on Craiglist, which is what he did.  I was blissfully ignorant to how rampant this is among men who aren't "just closeted," but it seems to be a thing.

I've told my parents and a couple friends that he cheated with men, but I've agreed to let his family and our mutual friends think he just cheated with women.  They know he cheated.  Unfortunately even that isn't enough to make people rally to support me.  Maybe people project their own marital/sexual frustrations onto us and assume DH cheated because of lack of sex at home.  Or that we grew apart.  Or some other mutual, two-sided explanation.

I'm dealing with a lot of disconnect between not wanting to hurt (by exposing) the guy I love...even though he had no problem hurting me...which he's not taking responsibility for because he blames the bipolar.  Either I'll get clarity with time or maybe there just isn't any satisfying "right" way to proceed.

My biggest fear has always been being alone, so I've always feared him dying prematurely.  That's why it was so surprising to me that, indeed, his dying would've been a preferable situation FOR ME.  (That's not a comment on anyone else's grief obviously.)[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics