Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

I'd love to hear more about this ...

OP here. DH has been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, and he's blaming his cheating on the hypersexuality that can come with mania. And that may be true, but there weren't any other signs of mania and his cheating involved three men over three years (at least that's what he's told me), so I'm no longer able to rationalize his behavior. He had enough opportunities to put a stop to it or seek help when he wasn't in mania. (If he ever was in mania. Again, I saw no signs.)

He's not gay. No one would suspect he's gay. I've done a lot of reading recently and have learned about people who identify somewhere between straight and bi. He's not fully bi -- doesn't want a relationship with a man, doesn't feel attraction to men, doesn't watch any gay porn, etc. But he's not opposed to another penis being present as long as he's having an orgasm. Doesn't mind "dabbling." I've found whole books written on the subject of straight men seeking straight men on Craiglist, which is what he did. I was blissfully ignorant to how rampant this is among men who aren't "just closeted," but it seems to be a thing.

I've told my parents and a couple friends that he cheated with men, but I've agreed to let his family and our mutual friends think he just cheated with women. They know he cheated. Unfortunately even that isn't enough to make people rally to support me. Maybe people project their own marital/sexual frustrations onto us and assume DH cheated because of lack of sex at home. Or that we grew apart. Or some other mutual, two-sided explanation.

I'm dealing with a lot of disconnect between not wanting to hurt (by exposing) the guy I love...even though he had no problem hurting me...which he's not taking responsibility for because he blames the bipolar. Either I'll get clarity with time or maybe there just isn't any satisfying "right" way to proceed.

My biggest fear has always been being alone, so I've always feared him dying prematurely. That's why it was so surprising to me that, indeed, his dying would've been a preferable situation FOR ME. (That's not a comment on anyone else's grief obviously.)

I know a woman who was in a horrible marriage when her husband was killed in a plane crash and she received a multi-million dollar insurance payout. Her “grief” was brief.

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

I'd love to hear more about this ...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a widow when your husband was a cheating liar is different than being a widow when your husband was the love of your life. OP is talking about her life and comparing it to what her widowhood would have been like...

Exactly. I know 2 happy widows. One guy was an abusive cheater, long story but it wasn't a unhappy situation at all. In fact the one lady I was trying to help her find a lawyer when we found out he had terminal cancer.

+1 Best thing that ever happened to me was when my abusive father killed himself and made my mother a widow.

Anonymous wrote:No one cares anymore about someone being gay anymore. If the OP tells, it might backfire on her. People will give him sympathy and see her as a gossipy shrew and ungrateful, especially if he has given her a life that others envy. This will really happen if he is a good mN otherwise.

Move on with dignity. You will get half.

lol All untrue in most neck of the woods.

Anonymous wrote:Being a widow when your husband was a cheating liar is different than being a widow when your husband was the love of your life. OP is talking about her life and comparing it to what her widowhood would have been like...

Exactly. I know 2 happy widows. One guy was an abusive cheater, long story but it wasn't a unhappy situation at all. In fact the one lady I was trying to help her find a lawyer when we found out he had terminal cancer.

Anonymous wrote:I had no idea there were so many Olympians here. Who will win the competition for most difficult situation?!

Six months ago, if OP's husband had died suddenly and she had no knowledge of his betrayal, I'm sure her grief would have been far less than what she's experiencing now. I'm sorry so many can't understand that betrayal can penetrate just as deeply and as keenly as loss. And that it can cloud every single intimate relationship in the future. I'm sorry that people are so limited in their ability to understand that people can be impacted differently by their life experiences. How I or OP react to an experience doesn't invalidate or diminish your experience.

What I haven't seen on this thread is anyone saying they'd welcome their dead spouse back even if he was having gay affairs and passing STDs on to them. I can easily see where death is easier to endure/explain/life with than divorcing because of homosexual infidelity and STDs.

This is exactly my sentiment and you’ve explained it well.

Anonymous wrote:When my father died, my mother specifically said she was horribly sad..but she specifically commented it must be worse to have your husband leave you for someone else. Her comment was I think, "At least Daddy did not chose to leave me. It would be so much harder if he was on this earth and just did not want to be with me. "

NP. Agree with this sentiment. It’s a different mental space to be in a situation where someone leaves due to cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he'd died, I'd get much-needed support from friends, I could still be close to his family, his life insurance would set me up financially, I wouldn't have to worry about his mental health problems or future guilt if/when I date (he doesn't want a divorce and believes his actions were out of his control).

As it is, I'm the victim of his betrayal, but I also lose my best friend, my financial stability, my wonderful in-laws who are my only family, and my social life because our mutual friends have no idea how to react and are being awkward instead of rallying to care for me like they would if he'd died. But he's as good as dead to me, right? Except he's living and breathing and being a constant reminder of my grief and loss.

Sorry for the rant. It just sucks.

I am a widow and I find this offensive as hell. You have no idea.

You are right that those of us who have never been a widow have no idea what you have gone through. But if you haven't had your life upended and devastated by infidelity then you have no idea either.

Which is an argument that the opposite post (I'm a widow it would be so much easier if my husband was a cheater) would also be bad. Except no one has posted that.

I would find that offensive as well actually.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

I don't have kids (which also makes for a lonely future), so that was not in my personal calculation.

As a person with kids with a cheater, I can say that a man who is a cheater often has serious personality and character flaws that are incompatible with being a good or even merely a present dad. It is not enough in life to merely “have” a dad. Sometimes having an absent or irresponsible dad wreaks more damage than you can imagine.

+1 It is absolutely possible for divorced dads to be good and present fathers, but those tend to be the men whose marriages ended more organically. The men whose marriages ended over their infidelity? Far less likely to be decent dads in my experience, in part because they bring many of the same bad "relationship skills" to parenting that they did to their marriage. Lying, gaslighting, selfishness - none of these are conducive to a productive or healthy father/child relationship. They tend to cycle in and out of their kids' lives depending on how their other relationships are going, which creates a lack of trust in the parent/child relationship at best. At worst, it causes a cycle in which the child endlessly tries to win back their father's attention, not really understanding that the problem isn't them.

It's toxic, and it can only be fixed if the dad really wants to fix it, and devotes energy to improving himself and putting his kids first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you lose your financial stability?

I assume her DH makes the majority of their income, so divorcing him would be drastic cut in lifestyle

same question i had

did you have a mom job?

You have every right to tell your story to your friends. Let them know you are struggling and why. This sounds a bit overly dramatic, like yes what happened sucks and is complicated but you are making it worse for yourself by being a martyr. At this point he is not your best friend. He manipulated your trust and decided to do something very hurtful, physically and emotionally, for his own gain. You need to allow yourself to feel angry and get support. This whole I wish I was a widow thing is a fantasy based on you not wanting to be angry at him, because if he died it wouldn’t be his fault and you could move on without anger. Get angry and get over it.

As for his family, that is trickier because he should be the one to deal with them. But if you really were so close to them that they were your family you should consider letting one person know. This whole thing really isn’t fair to you. It’s one thing for him to cheat on you with guys and give you an STD, another for him to expect you to keep his secret and isolate yourself.

It seems like alot of you have missed they don't have kids. Why are we hammering away on the devastated kids?

When my father died, my mother specifically said she was horribly sad..but she specifically commented it must be worse to have your husband leave you for someone else. Her comment was I think, "At least Daddy did not chose to leave me. It would be so much harder if he was on this earth and just did not want to be with me. "

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the comparison is not okay. I am widow and devastated as are my children. I know you are hurting but don’t minimize other people’s suffering. My husband is dead, if he had only cheated on me, at least my kids would have a dad. And by the way, the sympathy and kindness lasts about 5 months.

Yes, but at least you got five months of sympathy and kindness. Divorced moms get social isolation - and so do their kids. It's cruel and traumatizing. And cheating dads are not great dads to their kids. Their kids grow up with a lot of problems without understanding healthy relationships. Their outcomes are worse than kids who lose a parent.

It's all awful, but OP has made a very valid and sad point. Her pain isn't all about you.

She could have made her point without minimizing the suffering of widows.

Do you have any evidence to support your theory that outcomes are worse for kids with living parents?

The OP never minimized a widows suffering. The widows took the OP vent post and made it about them. The OP is 100% entitled to feel that way. With death she'd get the insurance money and prob not have to move out of her house and keep most of her life relatively the same, same family, same friends.... With divorce she has to move out and start a totally new life, new friends, no family...To the OP death would have been easier. Fair statement.