Reply to Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job"

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Reply to "Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice. My perspective is from someone who was for years resentful that I carried all the mental load--all the finances, all the planning, most of the cooking, etc--but we both worked full time (and our combined hhi is sub 300k so we can't outsource the way you can).

Here are a few comments and thoughts.

1) feminism and the sexual revolution only worked partway. It worked enough so driven, education (and likely privileged) women like you can be successful and make a shit ton of money. But it hasn't so far changed a lot of ingrained gender assumptions, particularly on the part of men. You said you and your DH agreed that he would 'lean out' but frankly, that's not what he wants or is doing. The truth is that he is not (and does not want to be) the equivalent of the pt/ or SAHP who runs the household while spouse makes bank. He wants to have his career and a 'normal' load, which unfortunately to him is a bit regressive since he won't do parental stuff that he somehow thinks is your 'job.'

2) Underlying his actions is male resentment--he enjoys the money, sure, but it also feels emasculating to him that you are the one making the money and he is in the traditionally "female" role. Some men dont have a problem with it, but yours does. Your complaints--as justified as they may feel--will only make this worse, so you need a different tactic.

3) Recognize that your choice to work a ton and have things to a certain standard is your choice. Your DH's choice is to have a normal schedule  with a nicely paying but not massive salary and it sounds like he chose a career accordingly. You did not.

4) your resentment that he relaxes while you work is annoying for sure. But you both deserve to relax and the issue here is that you chose a job that has a shit ton responsibility that eats into relaxation time. Instead of expecting him to do 80% of the household stuff *that others dont do* , expect 50%. Is he in that ballpark? think about what he is good at doing, likes to do and have him do those things.

5) agree with everyone that at your salary, you should have ONE household employee who runs the home. You should not be managing or micromanaging staff! A good household manager, like the one who posted, will get in the rhythm and basically anticipate your needs. This person should oversee cleaning, shopping, cooking, making and taking appointments for kids, household maintenance, filling out various forms, buying bday presents, picking up cleaning, taking car to the shop etc. Seriously this would be worth it to me if we had the $$ and you certainly do. What this leaves is quality time with your children and spouse.

6) I suspect that as a successful, educated, type A person, you have a hard time of letting go of control (I speak from experience) so the idea of letting someone else choose the camps, do the vacation research, etc, is at some level unsettling. But you MUST. If you are going to continue on your job, you have to empower someone else to make those decisions and then live by the consequences.

7) so much stuff is non essential. I am a working mom in a neighborhood of a lot of pt/sahm and I dont go to many of the school events, etc. I go to the important ones and that's it. My kids know they are important to me. At first I felt guilty and then realized I dont think Ive ever met aman who expressed any guilt about not being a class room helper serving snack next Friday. So some of that shit is not worth it.

Finally, in closing, if you're close to me in age we grew up thinking women could have it all, finally, just the way men can. But the reality is different and if you focus on that and your resentment it will just get work.. Instead of trying to change your husband (and I think his reactions are a mix of valid and not), change the way you are living.  Take care of yourself, get sleep, exercise, recreatio. Also, think about the male CEOs--yes, they work a lot, but they also have boundaries for family and personal life. As a woman you may feel like you can't do that, but you have more control than you think. Finally, again, look inward and see if part of the issue might be solved by a willingness to give up control over a number of things (including the outcomes).

If you find you are still exhausted and miserable after outsourcing the stuff that 99% of us have to do, then its not your DH. Its your choice of jobs or at least, how you choose to do your job. Does not mean you have to quit but you might need to find a way to make it more reasonable.

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