Reply to Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job"

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Reply to "Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article"

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[quote=Anonymous]There are several dimensions to what you're describing OP, but I have to say that your DH definitely needs to step up more on the "mental load" side of things.

My situation is reversed. I earn ~$250K in a more flexible job (work remotely, work needs to get done but not during fixed hours, 1-2 domestic trips/month). DH earns ~$500K (long commute, international travel once every two months, little flexibility in terms of when things get done). Nonetheless, DH does more "mental" tasks than yours does. He schedules and takes kids to dentist and doctor, he signs up for activities (my kids are younger, so fewer of them) and takes them to the weekend ones, he led that Kindergarten search for DD.

It didn't start this way, but I just really held firm on not doing certain things, looked the other way when they weren't exactly how I would do them, and the tasks just became his. I still carry most of the day-to-day mental load, but even just the symbolism of not having to handle all of it helps.

Also, even though kids are in pre-school (DS is half-day), we still have a full time nanny. She's not completely independent, but she handles most day-to-day responsibilities such as pick-up/drop-off, groceries, kids' laundry, cooking, errands, etc. The hardest aspect of managing her on a regular basis was figuring out meals and keeping up with kids growing out of clothes. We handled this by becoming comfortable with a smaller, more repetitive rotation of meals that DD helps plan at the beginning of the month. And we've developed a system where she periodically culls their wardrobes, tells me what they've outgrown, and I order online. She has kids try on and then returns what doesn't work.

So, basically, you have to lower your standards a little bit, develop better strategies for managing your help (and maybe get better help), and your DH does need to step up more. That being said, if I were DH I couldn't imagine spending as much time thinking about kids and house as I do. I had an opportunity to take a job that was higher paying than his, and he was up front that he was not going to do as much of the mental work as I was...his solution was to outsource more. That didn't work for me, so we ended up here. Your DH is "leaning out" from his career, but he's not leaning in at home as you expected. That might just not be his thing...and you have to work with that reality. Resting a couple of hours in the evening isn't the worst thing in the world. Both DH and I do it.[/quote]

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