Reply to Regret having children

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "Regret having children "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid. [/quote]

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight.  I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me.  I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice,  if they’d had a choice.  It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it.  Really, I think more people should be more honest about this.  Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done.  She has no insight or self-awareness at all.  [/quote]

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful. [/quote]

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive. [/quote]

Oh, come on!  My kids are super emotionally draining, but it's not because they are needy or sensitive.  It's because kids are super emotionally draining.  Full stop.  It hits some parents harder than others (News flash:  people are different!).  You realize this person just told us that what her mother told her was incredibly painful for her and you basically doubled-down on it?  I hope you are kinder to yourself and to others in person, because on the internet you suck.[/quote]

Um no. Reading comprehension is your friend. [b]PP's mother was honest with her about kids being emotionally draining.[/b] You just admitted yours are too. Does that mean you don't love your kids even if at times you might wish you didn't have them at that moment? Because if so then you are just as bad as PP's mother. BUT I suspect that's not really what you meant when you said that and neither did PP's mom[b]. However, PP is carrying on about being traumatized by this statement which is an extreme reaction to a very honest, self-aware feeling that her mother had, and apparently one that many others, such as yourself, also share.[/b][/quote]

PP is also being self-aware and honest and expressing her honest feeling about being told raising her was difficult, and you are not giving her the same level of understanding that you do her mother for expressing her feelings of trauma at being a mother. Many people share PP's feelings of trauma at being told by their parents they were not wanted, or were difficult, or that their parents would have made a different choice if they could do it over again. Yet that doesn't seem to be good enough for you to acknowledge her feelings as legitimate, even while you allow that her mother's feelings are legitimate in part because others share them.

Pot meet kettle. [/quote]

PP with the mom who called me "emotionally draining" here. It isn't just that one comment.

When I was in my mid-20s, my mom told me, "You have been so difficult that I can't give you emotional support or comfort anymore." Maybe I really had been that difficult, but I'm struggling to figure out how. I did well in school, never got in trouble, graduated with honors from college, went to grad school, got a job. Heck, I went to boarding school for high school and spent summers away from home, so I didn't even live at home full-time after I was 14 years old.

I did lean on my mom for help when I was stressed about things, but I think a lot of people do that.

Now, when she comes to visit, there's always something to criticize. Our house is too cold, our pantry isn't well-organized, we don't use the right type of sponges in our sink, etc. etc. etc.

It's just never-ending.

[/quote]

PP with the awful mom, I hope you're still reading this thread. I think you should cut your mother off. I really do. I am estranged from my emotionally abusive, alcoholic father by choice and it is one of the best decisions I ever made. I haven't seen him in nearly 20 years. He was not invited to my wedding and he has not ever met my three children, nor will he ever on my watch. It took quite a bit of therapy for me to realize that some people just don't deserve to be in my life (or my kids' lives) whether or not I'm genetically related to them. When he dies, I won't go to his funeral. It used to hurt a lot, because he was a great dad when my sisters and I were young, but that dad left and is never coming back, and this dad is an irredeemable jerk, so he might as well be dead. He is a person who really should not have ever had kids.

Ignore all the haters (or maybe just the one obnoxious poster) telling you that it's you. It's not you. It's her. She is never going to change, and you are never going to change her no matter how good you are, no matter if you try to reason with her, no matter if you appeal to her emotions. You already know you will never get her acceptance and approval, and if it helps at all, you have my permission to stop trying. Your mother is a toxic person and she doesn't deserve you, your sister, or your daughter. It is not worth whatever benefit she brings to your daughter's life to have her still contaminating your life and mental health with her toxic waste. Presumably your daughter is young and cute now. What happens when she gets older? Does your mom start criticizing her? Does your mom start comparing you to your daughter, telling your daughter what a crap daughter you were and what a crap mom you are now? No. You are the parent and you are the adult and you actually do get to choose whether you want a relationship with your mother or not depending on what *your* needs and wishes are.

It's not easy, and some people (I'm looking at you, obnoxious poster) judge like crazy, but guess what -- it's your life and you get to say. Find a good therapist who is compassionate and understanding but who also understands what toxic parenting is and how to help adults with toxic parents learn to separate and let go. Please get the help you need to bring some resolution to this, because you deserve to live a life without her constant rejection of you.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics