Reply to Moms trying to orchestrate their kids social standing

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP in AAP community back to add, beware the term "popular."

The true jockeying for independent social standing with the goal of popularity begins with the girls late fifth grade, cementing in sixth. Not unusual to experience Mean Girl, cliqueish behavior in 1st, 2nd grades.

Girls are encouraged to be "boy crazy." By their moms, of course. Played out in school, in social media, by the girls. Relentless flirting and pursuit of equally popular boys. Suddenly, if you are not as boy crazy as the popular girls, you're out. Make up, dressing and talking like a teenage girl is tried out well before MS sometimes w these girls.

Popular MSers aren't the class leaders, the academic superstars, the best all-around types. No. By MS, popular = participating in or having the opportunity to participate in sex, drinking and drug experimentation. You might not actually drink or even have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but your cool friends (or their siblings or their parents) sure do.

I used to be mildly concerned and a bit sad to hear eldest DD lament her lack of popularity and her constant disdain for the "popular" crowd. She had a grueling experience all through high school and couldn't wait to leave for college. [/quote]

This isn't a sufficiently nuanced perspective and is the perspective of a parent, not someone who is a teacher or administrator of a middle school. In general middle school kids experience popularity in multiple different ways. One type is indeed what PP describes above, the "faster" crowd for lack of a better word, but that's not close to all the kids who are considered popular. There are also the kids who successfully transcend groups by virtue of their interests and who become very popular as a result: the athlete who is also in honors classes, the drama kid who also befriends the robotics kids, etc. Usually these kids have admirable social skills and work ethics, and despite the desperate wishes of a lot of DCUM parents, generally go on to do very well. There are also then the kind/funny kids who are popular because they are universally kind to everyone, and can also diffuse situations with humor. These ones get invited to a lot of social events and asked to join various groups. Basically there are a lot of different ways for kids to be popular. Some are problematic, but some are what you'd want to encourage. It's simply not true that popularity is always a negative marker.

Similarly the opposite is true. Lack of popularity doesn't mean a child is a better person. The days of nerds being seen as the nice guys and girls and also just the victims of bullying are long over. Your member of the science club can also be trying to humiliate kids who do not learn as fast, your math nerd daughter is indeed capable of vicious mean girl behavior. Experienced teachers know that the quirky and nerd kids are just as likely to bully and be cruel. It's often the parents of these kids who are the most in denial, though. Sometimeswhen they get called in because their kids are nasty, the flat out response is that Larla couldn't have done anything because Larla is quirky and quiet or Larlo isn't popular.[/quote]

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