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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I had a sister who was about 14.5 years older than me. She was murdered by her estranged husband after they had separated and were in the process of divorcing. She was 22 and I was almost 8. The court ordered her to take their baby for visitation and he killed her and committed suicide during one of those visits. He left the baby alone.  She told my dad and older brother (one year younger than her) that she thought my BIL was going to kill her. They told her not to be silly and paranoid. My dad carried the guilt of not listening to her to his grave and my brother, who is nearly 60 now still carries some guilt.

Fast forward a few years to the summer I turned 15. I helped my grandmother clean out closets in her house because she wanted to sell it and downsize. I found a box of paper...one of those big boxes that (in those days) typing paper came in...I guess now it would be printer paper. I opened it and it was filled with sheets my sister had written as a journal. It detailed times my brother in law had beaten her, chased her out of their apartment in his underpants so he could beat her some more etc. It was in some ways cathartic for me to read because it helped me understand what I hand't known before and that was my BIL didn't just snap one day. There was a lot of lead up to what he did. I showed the box to my mom who then burned its contents which I think was sort of dumb, but not my call.

Generally speaking, I don't think most people just snap. There are little things leading up to it along the way. It's important to pay attention and notice the little things without becoming paranoid in the process.[/quote]

What a horrible story, my heart goes out to you PP.  What happened to your niece??  I hope she was able to grow up in a loving family.

To the OP - I have a bit of different perspective since my brother is BPD and a narcissist.  In all of his relationships he was violent, including with my parents and me and my sister.  He would try and pit my sister and I against each other and even tried to break up friendships with others.  He tried to choke me once.  He was also very cruel to animals we had and even used some of them as target practice.  He ended up marrying his high school sweetheart and cheated on her and then proceeded to say it was her fault all while telling her and their many children that their mom was worthless.  Outwardly, people did not see him this way.  They saw him as charismatic and a nice guy who would give you the shirt off his back.  What they didn't see was that the shirt off his back was given at the expense of those he supposedly loved.  Recently my 6 year old niece had an incident where she needed stitches during her time with him.  The details are fuzzy for him but one thing is for sure, he made sure everyone (including all social media outlets) were aware and that he needed prayers and how hard the whole ordeal was on HIM.  He barely mentioned his daughter, but kept going on and on about how hard he was taking it and how upset he was.  His social media "friends" just kept telling him what a great dad because he cared so much about his daughter.

To anyone you are dating I think you can ask some related questions to the things I have mentioned.  If you ask if they have ever cheated on anyone and they get defensive or try and justify (or even brag about) those actions then that says something.  Find out what his relationship is like with his siblings.  Does he have any contact with them?  Does he have any close friends that you could also talk to and ask some character type questions?  In my brother's case he sabotaged all of his other relationships and people in our family who talk to him only do it so he won't target them.  It's a miserable existence for some of them, they are walking on eggshells around him all the time.  Any little thing could set him off.  I do not have a relationship with him at all and have his number and email blocked so he can't contact me.  This was at the advice of a good friend of mine who is a therapist.  She said people like this who are toxic just create drama and suck people in and that if I can I should cut all contact.  It's easy for me because he lives far away and he has other people who give him the attention.  I'm not saying everyone is like this and they may try to hide their true self to you initially, but you can't ignore the signs if they are presented![/quote]

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