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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Everything they do is a sign, in hindsight. Actually every single one of you have a "sign" in your relationship, but it is not a sign until he actually hits you.

I had some "signs" so I went to a therapist and we did couples therapy.

I was told, it's not what he does, it's your reaction.
I needed to figure out his love language and blah blah blah.
I needed to put more effort into the marriage since the kids were sucking my energy away from him.
I needed to make sure I was not keeping score with the chores.
I needed to make sure our sex life was not stale, and all that BS.

I spent 3 years with a therapist and a marriage counselor; they were told ALL THE SIGNS but they never said, hey this is toxic, you need to leave. All the Dr. Phil BS was fed to me, marriage is hard, raising kids are harder, your H is stressed you need to be a light place for him to land, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The think is my H was way nicer and kinder and involved with the kids than all my friends H's who never hit them. But, if they ever do, I have about 300 signs that showed they would. [/quote]

this poster is exactly right.  I was in a relationship where my partner was doing things that were absolutely unacceptable.  Because he hadn't hit me (yet), the therapists pulled all of these "therapitic techniques out.  I finally left because I simply decided that our 2 kids and I would not live with the unacceptable behaviors.  Everyone on this thread is focusing on tbe wrong thing -- how do you know he will hit you - when the real question is for what reason is it OK to walk away?

The answer to that last question is, frankly, it is always OK to walk away for any reason.  Feel uncomfortable? Demeaned? Constricted?  Criticized? Unloved in the way you want to be lived?  Nit exclusive enough or too exclusive?

As women, we have to have permission to seek out relationships on our terms, and that is a far broader thing than simply "is he going to hit me?"
[/quote]

Thanks, Captain Obvious. The real issue is that most of these women lack either self-esteem or any amount of critical thinking.[/quote]

No, that is not the real issue. The real issue is that our culture has broadly accepted and normalized abuse from men.  Marital rape wasn't prosecutable until 1973.  Date rape is still largely unprosecutable and even when prosecuted is largely unpunished.  The #metoo movement demonstrates the extent to which sexual assault and harrassment is embedded in our culture and relationships.  And our economic disempowerment (lower wages, less career mobility, no maternity leave, no widely available reasonable childcare, poor levels of child support post-divorce, and unequal parental burden-sharing) makes it very hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially before the hitting starts.

But sure, blame male abuse on dumb women with low self-esteem. [/quote]

Women are socialized from very early to take it all upon themselves.  We're in charge of keeping men happy.  We're socialized to ignore our own good.
[/quote]

It's absolutely terrifying that so many women on this thread are using "we were socialized this way" as an excuse for enduring abuse. You recognize the issue and yet use it as a crutch to justify why you stay in the situation? Of course no one should be abusing you, but it appears that the majority of you are your own worst enemy![/quote]

Its not just women on this thread. It's scientists all over the world.

Suck lack of education on this subject is astounding.[/quote]
Education? [/quote]

It's something that happens when you read extensively on a subject. Which you have obviously not done when it comes to this subject.[/quote]
I have no clue what you are taking about. What is the education that you are taking about? Education as to why people are abused or become victims? Education as to why the phenomenon exists? Education about something else?[/quote]

Not the same pp as you are responding to, but there is a lot of information out there. It unfortunately usually takes us in an abusive relationship to see it. It starts with emotional abuse, control and manipulation, and confusing the victim. Those are the places to look first.

I agree that people aren't educated about it. But we have to put it in front of their faces. Discussing that Denver case with friends is a great way. When I am free of him, I plan to make it my life's work to make it well known. Putting ot in context of this is happenimg all around us and can happen to you. Go from no violence besides emotional/financial to dead in an instant.[/quote]

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