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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, my son was exactly like yours 10 years ago.  I really feel for you, it was a tough situation.  Every strategy I tried did not work, just made things worse.  I finally realized that I couldn’t change him, I could only change myself.  I ended up doing the opposite of what most PPs have been saying.  I basically ignored everything he did or didn’t do, didn’t ask him to help, and just spoke to him in a friendly way, no matter how irritating his behavior was.  I changed my mindset to unconditional love, and expected nothing in return, no chores, no obedience, hardest thing I ever lived through.  But by changing my response to him, a miracle occurred.  He eventually started talking to me. He smiled more, our relationship improved.  Little by little, he matured, and started doing nice things to help out.  Believe me, it was such a struggle for me.  But by treating him respectfully, even though he was disrespectful toward me, things really turned around.   It was really hard to not pick up his rope and engage in his game.  I’m not sure it would work with your son, but it’s worth a try.  My son is now a responsible young adult and we have a great relationship.  Good luck op.  [/quote]

NP. Thank you for sharing. I just recently came to the same decision and wondered if I was doing the right thing. [/quote]

I did the same thing. It waxes and wanes but our relationship was better in a matter of weeks.

It's the nagging thing, we just don't see it that way we see it as discipline.[/quote]

Honestly, I’ve never been a nag because I’ve akways had to pick my battles. But I see it as parenting- teaching her to be polite, follow rules,  take care of her things, how to treat people, be responsible, life skills like cleaning and laundry, but she thinks any expectations or accountability is oppressive.  I feel like all that’s left for me to try is to give up and cross my fingers that we’ve modeled well enough she’ll do these things when she matures. [/quote]

Laundry is a good example. You don't have to nag them, direct them, tell them it is time to do laundry. Either they have clean clothes or they wear dirty clothes. Unless you are dealing with some disability, most kids want clean clothes.

You just let it be. My child has had to wear dirty clothes, spray them with febreeze... that is learning.

Most mom's would have freaked out and punished the child, I let him wear dirty clothes. [/quote]

And what if you have to go somewhere that has expectations of being dressed neatly, like church, or a band concert? And your child refuses to groom himself or put on appropriate dress? What happens when your kid doesn't care one whit about looks or clothes and would go days without changing underwear, washing hair, dirty shirts etc?  I've actually tried not saying a word and DS really doesn't give a fig and really didn't change his underwear for more than an entire week (during which he also didn't shower). And never cares about the food stains on a shirt.  Never brushes his hair, etc.   And what, if you stay back, you don't get a miraculously changed child who is suddenly pleasant and suddenly wants to be neat and clean?
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