Reply to DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

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[quote=Anonymous]I agree having an elder care consultant or social worker get involved with talking with her father to establish a care plan. They are better at looking at the whole picture and talking things out without being so emotionally involved. They can help with boundary settings and alternatives. They can better explain the impact of relying on one family member being the primary caregiver. Maybe pick a reasonable number of hours your wife might be involved in a typical week. Does he want those hours being running certain errands or actually visiting. The social worker or elder care consultant can help with the difficult conversation, of explaining that your wife will need to be stepping back a bit to look at starting her own family and looking after her own health.

You approaching her to step back is going to be so hard right now. However stressed out you are by this. She is in much worse shape. She likely feels like a failure. No matter how much she does for him, it likely seems like it is never enough. She likely feels like she is letting him down. She likely feels she is failing at being a good daughter. She knows you are upset. She knows the two of you are not getting quality time together. She knows this is impacting you. She likely feels she is failing at being a wife. Work, she likely feels she is falling behind and failing there too. Keeping up with friendships? Any time for that? Plus if she is wanting to start a family and time is running out, even more pressure. If she is stretched to the max now she can't picture how adding an infant into the mix could possible work. She is likely so stressed out now to even think clearly. Cutting back in one area of her life, would lead to a much greater balance over all.

As long as her father is cognitive he is responsible for his own choices. If he wants to see DRs in NY. Then he needs to make that happen, without involving his daughter. What happens when he is too sick to travel that far? He needs a plan for when things get worse. Her learning to say no, and meet his disapproval will be hard. If he lashes out in anger, she will need to learn tricks to manage through that. "I'm sorry you are angry, but I will not allow you to speak to me that way. We can try again tomorrow. Bye."

Take care of you too. Get counselling for you to start. If someone has suggested counselling for me when I was in her place, I would have started to cry. WHEN? When was I supposed to squeeze time for counselling in? [/quote]

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