NP; 9:25 and 15:53 above have good points. Also take the argument for getting local doctors just a step further with your DW and FIL. If FIL actually has a medical emergency, they will send him to a local hospital. If he doesn’t have a local doctor, he will get whomever gets assigned to him. They won’t be sending him to NYC and he may not be in any condition to travel at that point, or even be in a condition to be able to choose a doctor. It will be far better if he chooses someone local and builds a relationship now.

I think you can also ask to brainstorm with your DW ways to streamline and make the caregiving more efficient and less stressful for both of you. Maybe it would be better for DW to set up a regular schedule for visiting FIL. If FIL wants her to buy him some groceries, she shouldn’t feel she has to drop everything just to do that right away. Add it to your own grocery list and she can deliver them on her next trip, or use Peapod to deliver to him. Find out what services the assisted living offers and use them as much as possible, because FIL is probably still paying for them. Maybe hire some outside help to do housework and run errands for the two of you. And you can ask your DW for a standing date night, so the two of you have time to talk and catch up with each other weekly.

I agree having an elder care consultant or social worker get involved with talking with her father to establish a care plan. They are better at looking at the whole picture and talking things out without being so emotionally involved. They can help with boundary settings and alternatives. They can better explain the impact of relying on one family member being the primary caregiver. Maybe pick a reasonable number of hours your wife might be involved in a typical week. Does he want those hours being running certain errands or actually visiting. The social worker or elder care consultant can help with the difficult conversation, of explaining that your wife will need to be stepping back a bit to look at starting her own family and looking after her own health.

You approaching her to step back is going to be so hard right now. However stressed out you are by this. She is in much worse shape. She likely feels like a failure. No matter how much she does for him, it likely seems like it is never enough. She likely feels like she is letting him down. She likely feels she is failing at being a good daughter. She knows you are upset. She knows the two of you are not getting quality time together. She knows this is impacting you. She likely feels she is failing at being a wife. Work, she likely feels she is falling behind and failing there too. Keeping up with friendships? Any time for that? Plus if she is wanting to start a family and time is running out, even more pressure. If she is stretched to the max now she can't picture how adding an infant into the mix could possible work. She is likely so stressed out now to even think clearly. Cutting back in one area of her life, would lead to a much greater balance over all.

As long as her father is cognitive he is responsible for his own choices. If he wants to see DRs in NY. Then he needs to make that happen, without involving his daughter. What happens when he is too sick to travel that far? He needs a plan for when things get worse. Her learning to say no, and meet his disapproval will be hard. If he lashes out in anger, she will need to learn tricks to manage through that. "I'm sorry you are angry, but I will not allow you to speak to me that way. We can try again tomorrow. Bye."

Take care of you too. Get counselling for you to start. If someone has suggested counselling for me when I was in her place, I would have started to cry. WHEN? When was I supposed to squeeze time for counselling in?

OP, maybe you guys should consult a local Elder Care Consultant?

http://www.eldercc.com/our-work/our-process

Bringing in someone from the outside to meet with you and your FIL to explain that your wife is unable to procide care might help your wife tell her dad she has to pull back.

Maybe the Eldercare Consultant can sympathize with your wife but be the voice that says "You need to save your resources so you can be there for your father in a crisis. We need to find him outside care to spare you, so you will be there for him when he needs what hired help cannot provide."

This is excellent advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you're right.

Me too. She has blinders on when it comes to him---almost like she's an unrecognizable person.

OP I think you guys do need therapy. I think it will help.

But here's another approach that might help. Right now when you say she needs "boundaries" that can come across as you being self centered. "You used to pay attention to MEEEEE, but now you are so busy with your dad you are ignoring MEEEEEE" and she will resist that.

And you can't make the argument that she should consider her own needs. You know she won't do that. She puts her dad first.

So... frame it in reference to her Dad. Tell her that you are worried about how overly reliant he is becoming on her care. What if something should happen to her? He'd be absolutely sunk, because he has not learned to manage with paid or outsourced help at all.

What would happen to poor sweet dad if she broke her leg? How could she take him to his Dr's appointments in NYC?

Get her to see it would be best FOR HER DAD for him to be able to manage on his own (with the help of paid assistance). Then her help can be ancillary, supplemental to what he already has. That way she is protecting him.

THEN practice some subterfuge. Tell her you know her dad is scared to accept outside help, so we have to lie to him to make it happen. Invent some surgery that is going to be coming up.. back surgery, etc... and take her out of the picture for months. It will happen this summer. Both of you go over to dad and explain your wife is going to have back surgery in June and she will be unable to assist him in anything, so you need to get some things set up now for him. How can you help? That gives her three months to help him get used to the idea.

How old are you guys?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

OP again. I'm also on the edge because we would like to start a family. That seems to be on the backburner "too much stress too much going on"
At times I feel very held back, like our lives are on pause b/c FIL comes first and foremost.

I'm the PP who is going through a similar situation with my mom. This comment and the one about driving to NYC for doctor's appointment are really eye opening. You really need to have a open, heartfelt conversation with your wife and you need to insist on marriage counseling. Beg and plead with her if you must. She is so caught up in this dynamic with her dad, she may not be able to see how potentially harmful this is to her and to your relationship. Things need to change but I don't think she will truly hear this coming only from you. You need to try and convey to your wife that you love her and support her, and that you even support her efforts to assist her dad. But that she has to be open to looking at this differently and doing this differently and that the two of you need the outside help of a counselor or therapist. Your wife has been conditioned over years to respond to her dad this way and you aren't going to be able to undo that by yourself.

If she's determined to do this, watch her closely. Stress can kill. My mother has been taking care of her brother for 10 years and none of her siblings will help. Two days ago she was admitted to the hospital because her heart was under so much stress. She never gets sick, has always been strong and in perfect health, and is 70, which for her family is very young. They tend to live to be at least 90. I went off on her brothers and sisters, because he's their responsibility, too, and I'm not losing my mom because they are selfish. I already have a life-threatening? illness and am disabled, so she also has that worry on her, plus we lost my brother when he was 30. She doesn't need this stress, and someone else needs to pitch in and help. Tell your wife to get home health care for him if possible, and that will take some of the burden off her. Tell her that even a parent is not worth dying for, especially if you have kids. They need their mother. I lost my dad at age 11, so my mom is the only parent I have left.