Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why someone doesn't do a big grocery shopping trip at the beginning of the week, and divide per person. Maybe you have an age cut-off (5? 7?) that's considered a greener, and everyone else pays by # of individuals in their party. Booze is BYOB.

I suggested this and was told by my MIL that the better solution was to have everyone bring enough food for their family. I said fine. And then my SIL brought nothing. And I brought booze and they drank it all. So that can live in my room this year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think people get so focused on money because it is quantifiable. But often in families, people's contributions are not so quantifiable. Example: I have a stay at home spouse. I contribute money. My spouse contributes many other things. Does it come out exactly equal? I have no idea.

It is possible that your taking-groceries-for-granted SIL makes contributions that you are not aware of or not affected by. For example, maybe she tolerates your MIL and is a good companion to her, and other family members appreciate that. Maybe she did your husband a solid way-back-when and emotionally supported him at key moments in his life that you were not around to see and he is eternally grateful in ways he could never articulate to you. Maybe she gets your FIL to laugh when no one else can. Etc. etc. etc. The point is, this family may have a system of "exchange" that you may not be aware of that makes the other family members feel like your SIL is much less of a moocher than you think. Or she is a moocher and they don't care because, come on, no one is perfect.

Someone else's family is like another culture. You have a vision of how you think family should work (texts on your birthday, birthday gifts for your kids, etc). That is obviously not the culture of this family. That does not mean they are wrong, or that their way is inferior or immoral. It's just different. It would literally never occur to me to text my sister-in-law on her birthday. I don't even know when it is. She surely doesn't know my birthday. But I care for her very much.

You say your mother held on to anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. The real emotion underneath it is hurt. Do you feel hurt? Why? What is the hurt? Do you feel somehow rejected by this family, because they are not doing things that you expect them to do but that may not be a part of their family culture?

You really need to analyze your response to this, because you say you are bitter and resentful and do not want to be. I can assure you that I am not a doormat, and that I have a similar situation on beach vacation with my brother-in-law, and I do not feel angry and resentful. Why? I consider it an act of love towards my husband's family to be generous. I stock the house with food and treats that I think they will like and enjoy watching them be enjoyed. I realize my brother-in-law is kind of a dope career-wise and money-wise but he has many other fine qualities, such as I really appreciate the care and support he gives to my husband's parents, and the relationship he has with my kids.

But this matters to you. So. I agree with others that there are many friendly and socially acceptable ways of directly addressing this with your SIL that you did not pursue. I wonder if there is some part of you that *wants* to feel wronged, to justify feelings of anger. I see this in some of my family members. They seem to want to look at people in the worse possible light, and focus on all of people's human flaws and weaknesses instead of seeing the good in them. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves or something. But to me it sounds kind of miserable and lonely.

Here's an idea--you could invite your SIL to go grocery shopping with you. Then insist on paying. Then if the food runs out, she will know you've done your part. And rather than being the aggrieved martyr, shopping all alone and and resenting every moment of it, maybe you could have a nice time with your SIL.

I think there's another underlying issue here besides hurt and that is the dynamic where the sister-in-laws seems to be the golden child who can just mooch off of the wealthy parents and is not expected to pay her own way on vacations or expensive tickets, whereas the sun is expected to work hard and make his own money.

I am also the wife of a husband with a similar dynamic with his younger sister. ( except she's mooching off of a mother-in-law who is very nearly broke) and I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I have Financial Independence and freedom to do what I want with my money in a way that she does not. And I genuinely like my sister-in-law as a person so I think that goes a long way towards me not resenting her moocher status as much (although I do worry about my mother-in-law's bad financial situation)

If I were in your shoes I would definitely buy the food that you want to buy for your family. Keep some shelf-stable Foods in reserve (plus wine because it's your vacation too you should relax) and when the food runs out you can always feed your kids the emergency peanut butter sandwiches or take them out for breakfast. When sil complains you can say " well sister-in-laws I think it's your turn to go grocery shopping, we're out of bread." And then just let it go if her mother-in-law pays for it it's still okay because you have the financial freedom and you still have some wine.

Anonymous wrote:

OP - I commend you for taking the time and physical effort to shop for food for 12 people. I do hope Itbis clear that she and her older kids can at least take on the man dinner pro and clean up to equal the extra hours of planning and shopping you put in. Anither approach might be to say that you will gladly shop so there is food at the beach house when all come. AND from last year, you would say that the other family can the shop for the second half of the week. it is notice in general ahead to plan on shopping.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why someone doesn't do a big grocery shopping trip at the beginning of the week, and divide per person. Maybe you have an age cut-off (5? 7?) that's considered a greener, and everyone else pays by # of individuals in their party. Booze is BYOB.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL promised she would make my SIL contribute last year, but then that didn't happen. And she told me this year that she would make them do the same, but I feel like I'd be a fool to fall for that again.

Why are you policing your MIL's relationship with her daughter? You can pay for what you like, then allow MIL and FIL to pay, covering their daughter. If they don't mind paying for their daughter's groceries, why should you? You act like you're trying to protect them, but clearly they don't want to be "helped" in that way. You can learn to not care by staying out of other people's relationships.

This, this, this a hundred percent. OP, you are taking on this project of dividing up the food budget. Not.Your.Concern. Seriously, have MIL and FIL (or SIL) do the grocery shopping and either before hand or after, pay them for your portion. It is not your problem whether they collect SIL share or not. Don't even concern yourself with that. You take care of you and your family. If you don't want to be a mooch to MIL/FIL then pay your share, but stop meddling into SIL and her parents' relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

we were all supposed to provide two dinners for the group

Maybe that was your plan, not theirs. Maybe you're mad mostly because they didn't hold up their end of "your plan", and were pressured to stay at the house more often than they intended. On vacation I'd want to be on my own for meals. I wouldn't want some plan dictated to me. Op, you just may be too much of a bossy pants.

Anonymous wrote:

we were all supposed to provide two dinners for the group

Maybe that was your plan, not theirs. Maybe you're mad mostly because they didn't hold up their end of "your plan", and were pressured to stay at the house more often than they intended. On vacation I'd want to be on my own for meals. I wouldn't want some plan dictated to me. Op, you just may be too much of a bossy pants.

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't feel bad about not wanting to pay your SILs food expenses.

It's ridiculous your SIL does this, and f-n rude as hell.

You and your spouse work hard. They have a different lifestyle, fine.

But just because you and your spouse both work and make more money does not mean you should happily pay their way on vacation.

They should budget enough money to pay for at least some of their food, and make low cost meals to serve if each family is responsible for a meal or two.

They are adults. They take advantage of you and your FIL and MIL.

Why people here are siding with them is beyond me.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think people get so focused on money because it is quantifiable. But often in families, people's contributions are not so quantifiable. Example: I have a stay at home spouse. I contribute money. My spouse contributes many other things. Does it come out exactly equal? I have no idea.

It is possible that your taking-groceries-for-granted SIL makes contributions that you are not aware of or not affected by. For example, maybe she tolerates your MIL and is a good companion to her, and other family members appreciate that. Maybe she did your husband a solid way-back-when and emotionally supported him at key moments in his life that you were not around to see and he is eternally grateful in ways he could never articulate to you. Maybe she gets your FIL to laugh when no one else can. Etc. etc. etc. The point is, this family may have a system of "exchange" that you may not be aware of that makes the other family members feel like your SIL is much less of a moocher than you think. Or she is a moocher and they don't care because, come on, no one is perfect.

Someone else's family is like another culture. You have a vision of how you think family should work (texts on your birthday, birthday gifts for your kids, etc). That is obviously not the culture of this family. That does not mean they are wrong, or that their way is inferior or immoral. It's just different. It would literally never occur to me to text my sister-in-law on her birthday. I don't even know when it is. She surely doesn't know my birthday. But I care for her very much.

You say your mother held on to anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. The real emotion underneath it is hurt. Do you feel hurt? Why? What is the hurt? Do you feel somehow rejected by this family, because they are not doing things that you expect them to do but that may not be a part of their family culture?

You really need to analyze your response to this, because you say you are bitter and resentful and do not want to be. I can assure you that I am not a doormat, and that I have a similar situation on beach vacation with my brother-in-law, and I do not feel angry and resentful. Why? I consider it an act of love towards my husband's family to be generous. I stock the house with food and treats that I think they will like and enjoy watching them be enjoyed. I realize my brother-in-law is kind of a dope career-wise and money-wise but he has many other fine qualities, such as I really appreciate the care and support he gives to my husband's parents, and the relationship he has with my kids.

But this matters to you. So. I agree with others that there are many friendly and socially acceptable ways of directly addressing this with your SIL that you did not pursue. I wonder if there is some part of you that *wants* to feel wronged, to justify feelings of anger. I see this in some of my family members. They seem to want to look at people in the worse possible light, and focus on all of people's human flaws and weaknesses instead of seeing the good in them. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves or something. But to me it sounds kind of miserable and lonely.

Here's an idea--you could invite your SIL to go grocery shopping with you. Then insist on paying. Then if the food runs out, she will know you've done your part. And rather than being the aggrieved martyr, shopping all alone and and resenting every moment of it, maybe you could have a nice time with your SIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why someone doesn't do a big grocery shopping trip at the beginning of the week, and divide per person. Maybe you have an age cut-off (5? 7?) that's considered a greener, and everyone else pays by # of individuals in their party. Booze is BYOB.

Because that just isn't how they do it. OP's DH is stuck between her and family tradition. So he tells her he's talked to SIL or his parents about making SIL pay, but he really hasn't, or has, but with no effect.

OP needs to just let this go. I'm sure she wastes money in some way that her husband finds ridiculous, even if it is spread out through the year. This is him wasting money to have a vacation with his family. Let it go.