Reply to Ex wife threatens to send kids to live with me

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[quote=Anonymous]as punishment when she doesn't like how they behave.

She set the groundwork by telling them (repeatedly) that "if you go live with your father, whether it works out for your good or bad, you can never come home again." 
Her and the youngest child (8yrs old) are constantly fighting and her solution to this has been to start threatening to send him to live with me 100% of the time. Its a total threat because she isn't serious about it she has been escalating things and on Sunday made him pack his bags and she called me and put the phone on speaker and started saying "finish packing! I've got your father on the phone." He wasn't crying or angry per se... he was simply packing his bags and refusing to talk to his mom. He wasn't defiant towards her he wasn't showing any emotion. Its like he figured he couldn't reason with her so he was just going alone until it blew over.

On Sunday I told my youngest that he always has a home with me. I asked my ex to call me in private because I wanted to talk to her about this but she refused to call me without the kids listening. Eventually she left the house and he called her cell phone and told her that he wanted to stay with her. Then my oldest called me to give me the run-down on what was happening. I spoke with my youngest and he hold me "I'm sorry dad; but I told mom I'm not comfortable moving out." The oldest has mentioned that he might want to move in with me 100% of the time but he is worried about leaving his brother and sister with their mom alone. He is nervous about having a place to live because his mom keeps telling them "you can't come home again." On the one hand I'm sure they know I'm here for them and they can live with me but at the same time hey have this attachment to their mom and are afraid to not being able to go "home" again.

I think what she is doing is abusive. I've told all my children that they are free to come live with me. On Sunday I repeated to each of them that I love them and I asked them to speak respectfully to their mom.

My youngest is always on edge. It only takes the wrong phrase to send him into a massive breakdown. Not always anger. Often its sobbing while he talks about how is feelings are hurt. It really hurts my feelings to see and hear it. She nitpick them and somehow I think the youngest doesn't feel like he is being heard. He lashes out sometimes because he isn't feeling respected. That is about the best I can describe it.

She has difficulty parenting because of how she interacts with the kids. The kids physiologist noted this during the divorce but the court still decided she gets primary custody because she was a SAHM.

Other than "get primary custody of your kids" type advice what can I do to help my kids? I've investigated the "get custody" thing and the divorce wiped me out financially and I really don't have the money to go back into court. The attorneys I've spoken with tell me its not a sure bet and on top of that I don't want to cause a whole other round of conflict between me and the ex it really upset the kids.

What I'm really wanting to know is what my kids need to experience from me in order for them to deal with the situation? Specific actions.... I know they need to feel "love."
Also... does what is happening with my youngest sound like some particular type of reaction to some particular type of abuse situation? I'm curious about this because if it is that might help me figure out what he needs.[/quote]

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