Reply to 12 Year Old Son Constantly Lies

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
It sounds to me like your method of dealing with the lies is to guilt him about trust and your relationship and have some sort of talk with him about lying on a philosophical/moral level.  OP, that's simply not effective.  You need to deal with this on a practical level. If you are catching him in lies about feeding the dogs, that should not be his responsibility anymore -- ever.  He's not mature enough for that, and you tell him so.  He also loses a privilege or screen time if that's what kept him from feeding the dogs.

What is the scenario in which he has to report to you what shirt he wore on picture day?  I'm having trouble seeing what that's about.  Also whether he wore running shoes to the gym.  I'm not trying to turn this around to be your fault -- I agree he's lying a lot -- but I think perhaps there's an element of "zapping" going on here or too much checking up. Sometimes lying is about autonomy, especially for a 12 year old.
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This.  You're being too hard on him and holding him to a standard he can't meet, so he's lying.  You need to change the standard or change your response when he doesn't meet your standard.

My mom did the same thing to me and I lied.  She had an impossible standard.  So I lied.  Yes, mom I did what you told me....[/quote]

This. DD has anxiety and her doctor has an orientation for new parents to the practice. The first thing he told us at the orientation is that kids lie. It's a natural response to stressors for people, especially kids, who are impulsive. He also said it only counts as an actual lie if it's planned. Like if your kid does one of those stunts where they arrange an alibi, elaborate cover story, and then sneak off to some event they're not supposed to be at. But being put on the spot and telling a lie to try to please you? Not the same thing and certainly not something to punish. Work on ways to avoid the set up that rewards them for those white lies-stop asking for so many details, stop asking and start making statements, stop checking up on things that don't matter, give more choices, be less critical when he does something other than your preference... Honestly, the less stress you put on your kid, the safer they'll feel emotionally, and the less they'll lie. It's incredibly common, and it can get better. We've lived it :)

The lying was really annoying. I felt like DD wasn't trustworthy and was establishing bad habits. The advice from her psychologist seemed counterintuitive. But we followed it and it worked like magic. I think there's a study that shows that the more you punish or react to lies, the more kids lie. It really is a stress reaction. [/quote]

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