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[quote=Anonymous]I feel like I've been recommending this book a lot lately, but considering your mom has such massive boundary issues, and how it's affected you and continues to affect everyone, if you haven't already read it, I recommend the book called Boundaries.

Your mom disguises it as love and attention, but she actually operates from a place where she is all about getting her needs met, filling a gaping hole in herself. She didn't see you as a separate person, but as an extension of herself that she used to meet her needs to look good, to feel better via your achievements, to get attention and approval through you.

Kids are in the process of growing their sense of self, their sense of healthy boundaries, and she "lovingly" bulldozed and jumbled that all up for you. You may have been able to develop more boundaries as an adult, and more sense of what's healthy and normal, perhaps, but she's still who she is. And you see her showing her neediness towards your kids, overriding what is actually best for them. As an adult, now you can lay down the healthy boundaries. Just don't expect her to like it.

And you do need to arm your kids, because as the anecdotes here demonstrate, her attitudes and words will affect them even if they only see her once in a while. (We all need to be more mindful about how much we comment on girls' looks. What falls out of peoples' mouths when they want to say something nice about a boy? How strong he is, how smart, how competent, etc. With a girl, it's almost invariably something about her appearance.)

The examples others gave of what to say about and to Grandma are good examples of creating and reinforcing healthy boundaries and teaching awareness of what is normal and acceptable. We love Grandma, and she loves us, and she also happens to say/do _________, which we don't say or do, because we know it's not healthy/right, etc.

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