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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you never fully know what goes on inside of someone's home. Sure, you spent a lot of time with the kids, but they were likely on their best behavior because they were with you.

Also, if this has been going on for well over a decade, why now?  If you felt so strongly that her "demonizing" (and what does that mean?) behavior was destructive, why didn't you offer to take in the kid years ago when it actually could've made a difference?

At 18, she no longer has an obligation.  That's hard for some people to accept, but it's the truth.

Have you always lived far from her?  Because if you have, there's no way you were close enough to the situation to really know what was going on or if the kids had issues.

Besides judging, have you ever actually offered any assistance or support?  I can't imagine adopting toddlers with unknown and possibly complicated/traumatic histories and then trying to deal with problems that arise.

It seems to me that people who adopt toddlers or older kids get the worst of all worlds.  They do a selfless and kind thing by adopting children who are in need of a home and have been abandoned, but they have to deal with the emotional baggage those kids have *on top* of the regular trials and tribulations and adjustments that come with being a parent.  On top of all of that, they are scrutinized more heavily than other parents because a higher standard is imposed on them than someone who just accidentally gets pregnant.

And yet, there are very little support resources for them.  If they admit they are having trouble, they only come under greater scrutiny.

It's kind of a thankless, no-win scenario.

Being a friend goes both ways.  It sounds like this woman was a good friend to you.  She mentored you, was there for you.  But now you judge her without offering her support or assistance.  And you're contemplating abandoning her because she's not a good enough parent to be your friend.

As for the demonizing/angel splitting thing.  Parents do that ALL of the time, but it seems to me that parents who adopt get judged more for it.  
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