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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a dear friend for many years. This person is actually more than a friend because she is older than me and she was my mentor when I was a teenager. She is talented at her craft (concealing details for anonymity), she taught me the ropes when I was young, really took me under her wing, and was there for me when I was having a very difficult time with my own mother.

So when she chose to adopt two toddlers 15+ years ago, I thought she'd be an amazing mom. She had always been so compassionate and so loving with me.

But when the kids arrived, it wasn't long before she deeply resented being a mother. She started demonizing one of the kids immediately, complaining about the inherent evilness of this one kid and the amazing perfection of the other. Classic "splitting" type behavior. Then, over the years, the demon - angel attribution would reverse, and the previous demon would become the new angel.

My friend has her own issues from childhood, having been abandoned by her mother. I think having actual real live kids of her own to take care of instead of just a grateful part-time mentee (me), really brought those buried issues to the surface.

In any case, two days ago it was the younger child's 18th birthday. She had been demonizing this one for the past few years, and she sent him to live with his friend's family in Florida a few months back, paying the financially needy mom a monthly fee to keep him. He recently asked to come home, and since he just turned 18, she bought him a bus ticket and gave him a list of homeless shelters. She will not let him back in the house.

Honestly at this point I think it is best for him not to be around her, and I haven't encouraged her to feel guilty about her behavior. She has shown she is unwilling, unable, and uninterested in being a true mother to either of these kids. They are better off moving on from her.

But since i have my own feelings of gratitude towards her, I don't know how to proceed here. She is scheduled to visit me (we live in different parts of the country) in February. I am not currently looking forward to the visit at all.

Lastly, [b]I want to add that I am aware of the issues that arise (RAD etc.) with some adopted children.[/b] I've spent a lot of time with these kids over the years, and while they are not perfect, they are good kids. They are kind-hearted, smart kids. I truly believe my friend is the problem here, not them. [/quote]

If this was really true, and you really did understand the nature of RAD, you would know that the kids are very smart and manipulative and that one of the features of RAD is have a very charming personality towards strangers.  Kind-hearted isn't necessarily a term I would use for a child with RAD.  Maybe "well meaning at times"  might be a better choice.

Until you have really lived the situation, you have no idea what her home life may have been like with this child.  Sure, her own response was poor but I get it. It's easy for a parent, especially a single parent, to be worn down by the behaviors. It can be very hard to find caregivers or even respite care for children with challenging behaviors as well.

Even if a child does not have a RAD diagnosis, it's possible they have other diagnosises.  FASD comes to mind and is a very difficult thing to deal with. It's not possible to know the extent of something like that until a child is older.

It's very possible the mom sought out counseling and help along the way. Many times parents are embarrassed to admit there are problems or even go into the type of the help they are getting so don't think just because she hasn't told you or denied it, that it wasn't really happening.

In the end, [b]it really can be in the best interest of the child to move to another home[/b].  Sometimes that is what is truly needed for the child to heal and move on with their life in the right direction.  
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OP here. I agree with the bolded, but I maintain my view, which is based on a lot of exposure over the years to this family.

She would tell you that the times she called the cops, sent them to institutions, involved social services, etc. were all due to their RAD issues but I don't see any evidence of intolerable behavior from the kids. They were not stellar students but did not get into trouble at school, for example. The other child started to thrive when she went to live with a different family member. The older child was the original demon, and the younger child was the original angel. She only started demonizing the younger child after the older child moved out of the house at 14 an in with another relative.

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