Reply to Custody agreement - is there a way to keep him from just leaving kids with nanny?

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "Custody agreement - is there a way to keep him from just leaving kids with nanny?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Not trying to create trouble. The kids are school age. We both work, so we both will be leaving kids with the nanny 3-5 pm. Of course I understand he gets home later, so they will be with nanny 3-6 or 6:30.on his weeks.  But if he has a night event, or wants to go out after work, can't I have them? 
I just think that if we each only have kids HALF the time, social events can be scheduled when the othe parent has the kids, right? 
Same for weekends. If he wants to golf, I want the kids. Not the nanny. 
I am new to this. 
And nervous of being without them. 
Just trying to figure out how to manage this. 
Lawyer appt this week so I am hopeful. [/quote]

I am the PP who suggested right of first refusal.  IME, in order to make right of first refusal work, you have to offer it and not "enforce" it.  That is that you have to make it so easy for your ex-spouse to use that he'd rather call you than a sitter.  If he's paying the nanny anyway, even when he goes out and wants to have DD sleep there and be there with him in the AM when he wakes up, he may not be inclined to use it.  OTOH, if he is only paying for the sitter time he uses, then he may see giving you the time as a cost-savings.

But, if you start to track every time he doesn't do RFR, and if you are angry with him when he uses it (why aren't you spending this evening with your DD, you never see her on her time) or complaining that he asks you last minute, or using it as an excuse to change custody split, then it's unlikely that exDH will go along.

You also should consider the amount of transitioning your kid will do, distance between your houses, stability of routine, etc.  In other words, it sounds great that DD would spend time with you instead of nanny, but if this means an extra transition of house, caretaker and extra commute, late night switch, etc. it might not be worth it (to DD).  Especially if transitions are hard.

At a young age, our DD liked a stable routine best.  I made it so easy for my ex to leave DD with me whenever he wanted, that I ended up with way more custody time than originally planned.  Of course, this had a negative impact on my career and social life as I basically was always available to take her whenever.  And, in the long term, even though it was what my exDH chose, it meant he didn't spend as much time with her and thus didn't develop a tight relationship with her.  Now, in HS, she loves him, but she basically doesn't care if he shows up or not, since he has spent so much time not showing up.  I think he would have done that whether I offered RFR or forced him to deal with his 50% of time.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics