Next post from OP: my ex always expects me to watch the kids when it isn't my night so he can go to work events!

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to create trouble. The kids are school age. We both work, so we both will be leaving kids with the nanny 3-5 pm. Of course I understand he gets home later, so they will be with nanny 3-6 or 6:30.on his weeks. But if he has a night event, or wants to go out after work, can't I have them?
I just think that if we each only have kids HALF the time, social events can be scheduled when the othe parent has the kids, right?
Same for weekends. If he wants to golf, I want the kids. Not the nanny.
I am new to this.
And nervous of being without them.
Just trying to figure out how to manage this.
Lawyer appt this week so I am hopeful.

I am the PP who suggested right of first refusal. IME, in order to make right of first refusal work, you have to offer it and not "enforce" it. That is that you have to make it so easy for your ex-spouse to use that he'd rather call you than a sitter. If he's paying the nanny anyway, even when he goes out and wants to have DD sleep there and be there with him in the AM when he wakes up, he may not be inclined to use it. OTOH, if he is only paying for the sitter time he uses, then he may see giving you the time as a cost-savings.

But, if you start to track every time he doesn't do RFR, and if you are angry with him when he uses it (why aren't you spending this evening with your DD, you never see her on her time) or complaining that he asks you last minute, or using it as an excuse to change custody split, then it's unlikely that exDH will go along.

You also should consider the amount of transitioning your kid will do, distance between your houses, stability of routine, etc. In other words, it sounds great that DD would spend time with you instead of nanny, but if this means an extra transition of house, caretaker and extra commute, late night switch, etc. it might not be worth it (to DD). Especially if transitions are hard.

At a young age, our DD liked a stable routine best. I made it so easy for my ex to leave DD with me whenever he wanted, that I ended up with way more custody time than originally planned. Of course, this had a negative impact on my career and social life as I basically was always available to take her whenever. And, in the long term, even though it was what my exDH chose, it meant he didn't spend as much time with her and thus didn't develop a tight relationship with her. Now, in HS, she loves him, but she basically doesn't care if he shows up or not, since he has spent so much time not showing up. I think he would have done that whether I offered RFR or forced him to deal with his 50% of time.

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to create trouble. The kids are school age. We both work, so we both will be leaving kids with the nanny 3-5 pm. Of course I understand he gets home later, so they will be with nanny 3-6 or 6:30.on his weeks. But if he has a night event, or wants to go out after work, can't I have them?
I just think that if we each only have kids HALF the time, social events can be scheduled when the othe parent has the kids, right?
Same for weekends. If he wants to golf, I want the kids. Not the nanny.
I am new to this.
And nervous of being without them.
Just trying to figure out how to manage this.
Lawyer appt this week so I am hopeful.

Assuming you both love your children, can't you sit down and try to have an adult discussion about what you both can do to make this easier for them?

Make this not about "me" and "him" but about THEM.

Can you approach it as "In spite of our differences, we both love our kids very much. They are the best part of our marriage. Is there anything we can work out together to make this as easy for them as possible?"

Then go from there.

You both will forever be parents of these kids. Approach it focusing on your shared love for these kids. Not a who loves them more or you are dumping them with a sitter so you can party.

Your kids are the best parts of both of you. Act like it and do not make this a power struggle.

Not trying to create trouble. The kids are school age. We both work, so we both will be leaving kids with the nanny 3-5 pm. Of course I understand he gets home later, so they will be with nanny 3-6 or 6:30.on his weeks. But if he has a night event, or wants to go out after work, can't I have them?
I just think that if we each only have kids HALF the time, social events can be scheduled when the othe parent has the kids, right?
Same for weekends. If he wants to golf, I want the kids. Not the nanny.
I am new to this.
And nervous of being without them.
Just trying to figure out how to manage this.
Lawyer appt this week so I am hopeful.

Are you scheming for more child support?

Depends. There's a world of difference between "I want the kids Thursday night to Thursday night but I will still work the same 60-hour-a-week job I had during the marriage" and "I want the kids 50/50 but will go out and party hard until 1am the same way I would w/o kids and have babysitters/nannies 2-4x a week."

If the former, get over it, you're just trying to cause trouble as 19:16 theorizes. If the latter, then you can negotiate the "right of first refusal" stuff but then that just means you've got to do ADDITIONAL pickups/dropoffs.

How much time do yoh leave kids with a nanny? You are just trying to create trouble.

Anonymous wrote:PP's are right that you can do the right of no refusal, but it's up to him to respect it. Honestly, if the nanny is good at her job, don't worry about it. Your kids will someday realize that their dad didn't care to spend time with them, but their mom did. In the meantime, find some hobbies to keep you busy while they're in his custody.

This. Plus constant back n forth only hurts your kids not your ex. So you really need to think about why you're heading to court.

PP's are right that you can do the right of no refusal, but it's up to him to respect it. Honestly, if the nanny is good at her job, don't worry about it. Your kids will someday realize that their dad didn't care to spend time with them, but their mom did. In the meantime, find some hobbies to keep you busy while they're in his custody.

Right of first refusal sounds good, but I've learned of dozens of times I wasn't offered time he was not using and no judge has cared. He didn't offer the time because he wanted his 133 overnights a year.

Anonymous wrote:Go.to.court. This isn't the place to decide legal issues pertaining to your family.

Anonymous wrote:I have my lawyer consultation next week but I have a burning question - he is going to try to get 50/50 even though now he spends little time with the kids. But what's to keep him from getting 50/50, and just having the kids stay with the nanny during his time?
That's what he does now, for my monthly book club, so I have no reason to think he will all of a sudden want to hang out with the kids.

But it's a great place to get support and hear what other people have experienced.

Go.to.court. This isn't the place to decide legal issues pertaining to your family.

Anonymous wrote:I have my lawyer consultation next week but I have a burning question - he is going to try to get 50/50 even though now he spends little time with the kids. But what's to keep him from getting 50/50, and just having the kids stay with the nanny during his time?
That's what he does now, for my monthly book club, so I have no reason to think he will all of a sudden want to hang out with the kids.

Are you talking about while he works? Because that's unreasonable ....

Many couples have a "right of first refusal" written into their agreement. If one parent isn't going to use thei custody or visitation time, they must first offer it to the other parent before leaving kids with a third party.

I have my lawyer consultation next week but I have a burning question - he is going to try to get 50/50 even though now he spends little time with the kids. But what's to keep him from getting 50/50, and just having the kids stay with the nanny during his time?
That's what he does now, for my monthly book club, so I have no reason to think he will all of a sudden want to hang out with the kids.