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[quote=Anonymous]So did he cheat on you or was it just his stress and anxiety leading to meanness?

I was a person whose untreated stress and anxiety and depression led to meanness on my part. Even after I got those treated, there was a significant amount of time (more than a year, and we are still working on it) when my DH have had to work on our marriage in couples therapy. Both of us are committed to that. I think we both would agree that things are worlds better now.

In the beginning we had not been intimate in a long time and I had to get myself to do it even though I had mixed feelings, to be honest. Even if your DH's worst behavior is over, there may still be problems that make you all feel a lack of closeness. But starting to be intimate, just trying, can help bring two people together.

And then, it just takes time to rebuild emotional trust. My DH and I seem to go through phases of feeling emotionally closer to feeling emotionally more apart. I feel attracted to him during the former but not during the latter.

We have to go out of our way to try to have fun together. Not just talk about the kids and chores, but go out and try to do something together and talk about that. At times it is surprisingly awkward for two people who have been married for 15+ years.

But you know, in any long term relationship, there are rough patches and desire also waxes and wanes. I found a few of books to be helpful: Passionate Marriage, another called Can Love Last, and another called Should You leave by Peter Kramer. I found the last one helpful even though I had no intention of leaving my DH. But it gave me some new insights into people's various dissatisfactions with marriage and how to think about them. It offers no easy answers--no yes or nos--but just lots of ways of looking at the various complaints that people have.

Best of luck to you. A long term committed relationship can be hard. I don't think people talk about how hard it can be, because people tend to think it's a betrayal of their marriage to reveal any issues. You look around at couples you know and it all seems so idyllic but I know people looking at my marriage would think that. And, in some ways, I think my marriage is idyllic. It just requires real effort and a willingness to grow and mature as a person....

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