PP here with one other thought, you did not say if you all have tried couples therapy, if not then try it. With the right therapist it can really help.

So did he cheat on you or was it just his stress and anxiety leading to meanness?

I was a person whose untreated stress and anxiety and depression led to meanness on my part. Even after I got those treated, there was a significant amount of time (more than a year, and we are still working on it) when my DH have had to work on our marriage in couples therapy. Both of us are committed to that. I think we both would agree that things are worlds better now.

In the beginning we had not been intimate in a long time and I had to get myself to do it even though I had mixed feelings, to be honest. Even if your DH's worst behavior is over, there may still be problems that make you all feel a lack of closeness. But starting to be intimate, just trying, can help bring two people together.

And then, it just takes time to rebuild emotional trust. My DH and I seem to go through phases of feeling emotionally closer to feeling emotionally more apart. I feel attracted to him during the former but not during the latter.

We have to go out of our way to try to have fun together. Not just talk about the kids and chores, but go out and try to do something together and talk about that. At times it is surprisingly awkward for two people who have been married for 15+ years.

But you know, in any long term relationship, there are rough patches and desire also waxes and wanes. I found a few of books to be helpful: Passionate Marriage, another called Can Love Last, and another called Should You leave by Peter Kramer. I found the last one helpful even though I had no intention of leaving my DH. But it gave me some new insights into people's various dissatisfactions with marriage and how to think about them. It offers no easy answers--no yes or nos--but just lots of ways of looking at the various complaints that people have.

Best of luck to you. A long term committed relationship can be hard. I don't think people talk about how hard it can be, because people tend to think it's a betrayal of their marriage to reveal any issues. You look around at couples you know and it all seems so idyllic but I know people looking at my marriage would think that. And, in some ways, I think my marriage is idyllic. It just requires real effort and a willingness to grow and mature as a person....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Sexy come back for your ex or just in general towards people you were dating?

For me. It was a long before the divorce that I didn't feel sexy for my ex

OP here - yes I lost my physical attraction to him long ago, objectively I can appreciate his attractiveness but no part of me wants to lean in and make out with him. But I want to try to get that back, I do believe the other aspects are on the road to repair and we could have a good marriage. I don't know how to get the physical side back though - or whether that's even possible - and I don't want to stay married if I can't.

Was what I put in bold part of the discovered underlying problem?

Regardless, if you don't get your ''sexy back'' you could well find yourself getting it back with another man. It isn't all about sex, but rather the intimacy outside of sex and within sex as well. So, since no part of you wants to lean in and make out...that's a big issue for the vast majority.

OP here - I lost my attraction for him because he was a mean jerk due to poorly controlled stress and anxiety. Through therapy and meds he's addressed his anxiety issues which has made him a nicer person and better partner. I want to get back feeling attracted to him, not just thinking of him as a good / logical partner.

pp her.

Glad he got his issues taken care of. Being unable to control stress and anxiety is a terrible thing for the individual and those around them.

Was it a tough road for him to get past his issues? Did he do it as much for his family as himself? Is his kindness and improvement genuine and consistent?

If there are yeses to the above then I see two things. One is forgiveness...real forgiveness. The other is appreciation.

Keep this in mind, in the absence of chemical attraction and desire the mind and heart play big roles. So, don't think about sexy, just appreciation and a desire for more intimate connection. He has things he likes and hopefully so do you. Start simple and build from there. Don't think to much, just plan and do. And don't have a preset idea of how it should go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Sexy come back for your ex or just in general towards people you were dating?

For me. It was a long before the divorce that I didn't feel sexy for my ex

OP here - yes I lost my physical attraction to him long ago, objectively I can appreciate his attractiveness but no part of me wants to lean in and make out with him. But I want to try to get that back, I do believe the other aspects are on the road to repair and we could have a good marriage. I don't know how to get the physical side back though - or whether that's even possible - and I don't want to stay married if I can't.

Was what I put in bold part of the discovered underlying problem?

Regardless, if you don't get your ''sexy back'' you could well find yourself getting it back with another man. It isn't all about sex, but rather the intimacy outside of sex and within sex as well. So, since no part of you wants to lean in and make out...that's a big issue for the vast majority.

OP here - I lost my attraction for him because he was a mean jerk due to poorly controlled stress and anxiety. Through therapy and meds he's addressed his anxiety issues which has made him a nicer person and better partner. I want to get back feeling attracted to him, not just thinking of him as a good / logical partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Sexy come back for your ex or just in general towards people you were dating?

For me. It was a long before the divorce that I didn't feel sexy for my ex

OP here - yes I lost my physical attraction to him long ago, objectively I can appreciate his attractiveness but no part of me wants to lean in and make out with him. But I want to try to get that back, I do believe the other aspects are on the road to repair and we could have a good marriage. I don't know how to get the physical side back though - or whether that's even possible - and I don't want to stay married if I can't.

Was what I put in bold part of the discovered underlying problem?

Regardless, if you don't get your ''sexy back'' you could well find yourself getting it back with another man. It isn't all about sex, but rather the intimacy outside of sex and within sex as well. So, since no part of you wants to lean in and make out...that's a big issue for the vast majority.

My ex married within 2 years of the divorce and it was with the first man she met (bulb not so brite). I stayed in the marriage until she was done, and the rebound relationship got the sexy back. Start exercising and go outside your comfort zone. People will notice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Sexy come back for your ex or just in general towards people you were dating?

For me. It was a long before the divorce that I didn't feel sexy for my ex

OP here - yes I lost my physical attraction to him long ago, objectively I can appreciate his attractiveness but no part of me wants to lean in and make out with him. But I want to try to get that back, I do believe the other aspects are on the road to repair and we could have a good marriage. I don't know how to get the physical side back though - or whether that's even possible - and I don't want to stay married if I can't.

Oh, god. I hope it isn't impossible. Same sitch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Sexy come back for your ex or just in general towards people you were dating?

For me. It was a long before the divorce that I didn't feel sexy for my ex

OP here - yes I lost my physical attraction to him long ago, objectively I can appreciate his attractiveness but no part of me wants to lean in and make out with him. But I want to try to get that back, I do believe the other aspects are on the road to repair and we could have a good marriage. I don't know how to get the physical side back though - or whether that's even possible - and I don't want to stay married if I can't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Sexy come back for your ex or just in general towards people you were dating?

For me. It was a long before the divorce that I didn't feel sexy for my ex

We divorced. My first GF brought sexy back in a big way.

This is weird but I never lost the physical attraction. In my mind I hated his guts but I wanted him physically anyways. Kind of disturbing.

Anonymous wrote:Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Sexy come back for your ex or just in general towards people you were dating?

Didn't, we divorced. Within months I felt the sexy come back after dating.

Not yet fully. It's been 2 years. But somewhat.

For those that have been through an affair or other major betrayal - assuming you were able to address and work on the underlying problems, how long did it take for you to feel physical desire for your spouse again? How did you get it back?

We've worked on our marriage, we're in a much better spot, I do believe the underlying causes have been fully addressed, but while I love and enjoy my husband, no part of me feels physical passion for him after everything we've been through. Do I just need to fake it til we make it e.g., put effort into the physical side even if I'm not feeling it in hopes that it'll spark that again?