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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a really positive thread, and echoes exactly what I do with my toxic NPD MIL, and the good results. It also helps when your husband has your back and has some understanding of his mother, but you can take the high road and keep firm boundaries regardless of what anyone else does. 
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Yes, it is KEY to me that my DH realizes his mother is difficult.  It didn't start that way, because she was just his mother, and he didn't think about it much.  But once we got married, I was there, holding up a mirror and showing him what she looked like.  It took time.  Lots of smaller conversations about ways she made me uncomfortable and ways she was NOT welcoming.  I had to do a lot of reassuring him that I didn't hate his mother, she was just difficult and I needed his support.  I did a lot of telling him that I WANT to have a good relationship with her, and that's why I wanted to talk about it.  It wasn't a "let's tear down your mother because she sucks" thing.  It was a "how can I fit this woman into my life".  I had to reassure a LOT that I knew she'd be a wonderful grandmother (she is) and that I very much wanted her in our lives, but that I needed HELP from him in managing her moods/expectations and negativity.

It's been 10 years, 5 married.  We are in a good spot now.  My DH absorbs a good amount from her.  We know she is still critical of our lives, but both of us have been able to grow a thicker skin and not care so much.  We treat her with love and kindness.  If we can let her "win" one, we DO.  If it's something we aren't flexible on, we just kindly stay firm.  It helps now we have a young child to spend our visits focusing on. She is a much more loving grandmother than MIL, and for that I am very thankful.  I know she'd do anything for my child, and that helps me feel more loving to her.  That's what I focus on when she makes other comments that bother me.[/quote]

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